Because I'm Terrible at Scrapbooks

when nothing makes sense at all

It seems like lately, anytime I’m sharing something important or more serious, it always seems to get posted at the end of the week!

Although, let’s be honest, when have I ever had anything deep or meaningful to say, really?

Exactly.

Today is more about my streams of consciousness that I simply need to get out of my mind and onto “paper.”

So bear with me.

See, for a while now I’ve been feeling this internal conflict about my life.

You know the whole Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs stuff you learned way back in school?

I guess, if I had to simplify the whole internal mind game with myself, that’s sort of what it comes down to.

Self-actualization. Being who you’re made to be, in its fullest sense.

Only, instead of using Maslow, let’s use God. Because that’s really where in the crux of my quandary lies.

For quite a while now, I’ve felt like I have “something” just sitting on my heart. 

Some days it’s just a small little flutter of a reminder, but other days, when I’m really setting my mind on things above, it feels like an elephant is atop me. And it’s driving me crazy!

What is that something!?!

Seriously! Because I’m sitting here wasting away and wandering aimlessly all while trying to find what that “something” is.

And all I feel like I hear is the verse that says I will find God when I “seek Him with all my heart.”

Okay, sounds simple enough.

Um, only not so much at all!

Oh- and can we please take a commercial break for a second?

I realize some of you reading might be thinking I’ve entirely lost my mind!

What am I doing talking about God, and feelings from my heart, and “seeking?”

I understand.

So I get that maybe this seems like nothing but mumbo jumbo silliness. But it is not.

So for the sake of today’s post, and hoping that perhaps you read this blog because you like me, can you please just take a minute to let me get all this stuff out and also take a moment to assume that maybe, just maybe I’m right about this God stuff I’m talking about?

Okay, so let’s jump back into that “something” on my heart.

So I just feel so convinced there is this “something,” a purpose, if you will, that I need to be fulfilling.

And it frustrates me to no end because I can’t put my finger on it.

And in all honesty, my seeking “with all my heart stuff?” Yeah, I’m not doing that like I probably should either, further complicating the issue.

And then I think about my life, and how I go to a real life grown up job (for which I’m very thankful), and all the things I’m involved in (including things like working out and health), and I wonder whether any of it makes a difference in my grand scheme and purpose.

I wonder if I need to strike a better balance between my sincere passions for things of this world, and focus my passions for things not of this world.

Oh geez I hope this is making sense.

That Maslow’s “self-actualization” if you will.

At the end of the day, God could care less what I could leg press or that I eat “clean” (whatever that really means) all the time.

Because, that’s immaterial in the grand scheme of life.

I feel a tad like Solomon when he was writing Ecclesiastes, reflecting on the meaninglessness of so many things people pursue in vain.

And I know that, God I know that.

But, at the same time, I have such a hard time remembering that.

And then I think… what if my “something” is taking my worldy interests and hobbies and strengths and applying them to create opportunities where I could fulfill these spiritual holes and needs?

And then I wonder if I’m being totally selfish and trying to make up my own “something” based on areas that are good fits for me.

But then I think about the fact that God gives us certain gifts and abilities, and I know I have an encouraging and tender heart for a reason, and maybe, just maybe if I could merge my true love for others into something that ties into my hobby, that really is in fact my “something.”

Maybe that “something” isn’t a full time job, maybe it’s something I do on the side. Maybe it’s this blog. Maybe it’s something on a much smaller scale than I’m making it out to be.

And if I could just freaking figure out what that something was, I would get right to it. Yet, I feel really directionless. I feel like, although I feel the Lord stirring in me, that I simultaneously feel like He’s nowhere to be found, and I find myself feeling hopeful, and lonely, and frustrated all at the same time. I get annoyed because I feel like I’m wasting time, which restarts the whole cycle of trying to rationally walk through the above only to get lost somewhere in the middle.

And I was hoping writing this out makes me feel better and perhaps lead me to begin unraveling the something on my heart. only it hasn’t, and in a strange way it has made me feel worse.

I just want to set my mind on things above, and not on earthly things. I know it’s easier said than done, but I want that.

And I don’t really know how to do that.

I mean, yes, in theory I do.

“Hey come to church with me.”

“Hey, I stand for Christ.”

Yeah, I get that.

But more specifically, I’m talking about setting my mind on things above in terms of this “something.”

And I am trying to find this crazy balance between doing what I enjoy in this earthly life, and also making sure to make what I do count for living a God-filled life.

And ugh, I know I can’t do it all in my own power, I know that. Yet, I find myself trying to find that “something” in my own power quite simply because it’s sitting on my fictional chest suffocating me and I can’t break free to determine what the heck it is.

And all I find myself doing is throwing up my hands in defeat saying,

“What is it!? I just need to know!” and I don’t.

This is where the problem lies.

So I spew this entire post before your very eyes, more as an simple act of frustration and aimlessness as I wander and flail about trying to make sense of things. 

And perhaps this whole frustrating thing is the issue. I need to deal with my heart condition before I can move forward. I need to get rid of all the junk that’s hiding out in there. and as I type this, I can’t help but feel really small and humble and filthy in “junk” that needs to be cleaned out of my life.

And so, as I prepare to close, I hope that in the coming weeks and months I will begin to see more of the picture unfold and be able to really fulfill what’s in store for me. However, right now I do not feel like I am, and I hate that, and I don’t want to feel that way anymore.

So please be patient with me as this huge circus elephant continues to sit on me. I’m a work in progress and apparently need some more heart healing before I am able to pursue that “something.”

Until then? Time to simply walk in faith.

More to come...<3

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About

brittny I'm B-Love. Lover of God, my husband Will, my doggies, OU football, weight training, plyometrics healthy eating (mostly!), peanut butter, and all things health related. Buckle up and get ready for my constant embarrassing moments, health and fitness tips,and my effort to rely on Christ while living life in the real world. Follow me on Feedly! Sign up for monthly emails at blove@theblovelife.com!


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