Let’s face it. The quintessential “I went shopping at the last minute for Christmas gifts and had to fight the masses” story has been way overdone.

WAY OVER-FREAKING-DONE.

I mean really! How incredibly thoughtless of you! Do you really care about your loved ones?

Nothing says “Wow. I sure do love you and thought about these gifts for AGES” like getting your Mother-in-Law a Family Guy figurine set and your Father-in-Law Nickelodeon Gak.

(ha ha gak. Do you guys remember that stuff? It was so great…)

No one cares about your thoughtlessness!

No one cares that you waited last minute and had to go to the mall on the coldest day of the year and spent 27 minutes trying to find a parking spot.

No one cares that the only reason it only took you 27 minutes was because you cut off a Grandma and had your husband violently throw his body on the ground to cover the spot. He then began to throw his arms and legs in the air declaring, “Miiiiine!!! Alllll Miiiinnnne GRANNY!”

Yeah.

No one cares.

No one cares that you finally made it into the store and were engulfed by the crowd of all crowds. No one cares that you were just.trying.to.get.to.the.body.shop. and that everyone else was going the opposite direction.

No one cares that during the crowd fight of your life you began to sweat like a hog in labor- which most definitely includes the most disgusting sweat of all- upper lip sweat!

(shudder)

No one cares that you had to fight your way through the strongest, swirling human current ever- all the while being attacked by plastic bags filled with iPods and scarves, and Build-a-Bears.

No one cares. You should have done your shopping earlier!

No one cares that you finally fought your way through the “English Channel” and made it to your destination with only one naughty word uttered and two bruises. No one cares I you finally found the one thing you needed: the Satsuma gift package gleaming all bright and shiny in all it’s juicy and fresh glory.

However when you went to reach for it some tiny little teenage tart in tight black leggings and shiny ballet flats blew right by you (as she popped her gum while talking to “Connor” on her iPhone) and grabbed the set first!

(this is where I…er… I mean you proceed to imagine yourself bulldozing her like a professional NFL lineman and grabbing the gift back and kicking her shiny iPhone- all in Christmas joy of course)

No one cares that I was starving all day and wanted nothing more than to share a Panda Express meal with my husband but much to my surprise found the most. crowded. food. court. EVER.

Not only was the food court crowded but ever single freaking greasy, sticky chair was taken.

TAKEN!

ALL OF THEM!

I can not- CAN NOT- eat chow mein standing up! I just can’t!

Picture it! A Body Shop bag, a purse that weighs as much as much as Jon & Kate Plus 8, a drink, and a plate of chow mein and orange chicken- somehow miraculously in two hands.

It can be done by some.

But not by me.

But no one cares.

I should have planned earlier. Who shops on 23 December!?

I know.

But then there would be no over-told Christmas shopping story to share, right?

It was my blogging duty to procrastinate.

Let’s just hope my FIL sees it that way too.

I hope he likes Gak.