It’s funny to me how grown, professional, working women still resort to high school petty jealousies at the first sight of a newbie.

Why are we like that? I swear- we’re more territorial than a grizzly bear.

We might as well go around peeing on desk chairs and fax machines so we can properly mark our territory. “It’s Miiiiiinnnneeee. Alllll Miiinnee! Steal my job and I’ll rip your tacky coral cardigan to shreds!”

In some odd way, wizzing on a HP printer seems a little more dignified than the typical office games I’ve watched play out around here.

Guys, I feel like I’m in an episode of Man Vs. Wild. Survival I tell you - that’s what it’s about.

Remember The Beatniks (if you’re too freaking lazy to click the link- as I usually am- they’re the couple we went out with a few times)? Well, Mrs. Beatnik has temporarily been working in my department. She’s “on loan” the next few weeks, and if things work out she’ll probably get hired over here.

Nothing was said to any of us about her arrival, and they’ve sort of been hiding her away- like maybe we won’t notice that a grown woman is camping out in office 234.

That’s a whole other story.

Weird, I tell you. Weird.

When I found out she was here, I was sort of hoping we’d talk some, maybe go to lunch, but- no.

We’ve barely spoken.

We talked for like 15 minutes on our way from the BIDFY the other day, but that’s been about it. It’s been incredibly awkward. Forced. Uncomfortable.

I bet our football obsession turned her off. Or maybe it was dog thing (they don’t like dogs).

Note to self: get a new hobby and lose Boz and Lucy- they’re cramping your style.

Anyway- that’s another story and I’m getting off track-

I’ll admit I, like everyone else, was a little taken aback at her arrival. I mean, Hel-lo! What about the application I put in 2 weeks ago? My job had nothing to do with what she is doing here, but I was still hoping my managers would take some action since they went to all this trouble to bring someone else in for additional help. Aside from that, I’m laid back about the whole thing. What’s the big deal?

There have been some in my department, though, that have totally gone off the deep end about Mrs. Beatnik’s arrival.

Guys, they’re scaring me.

I’ve got the mother lion on one side of me licking her chops as she prepares to go for the jugular and feed the family, and I’ve got a freaking boa constrictor on the other side, ready to squeeze the life out of anyone that so much as looks at her the wrong way.

Please! Please dear God I pray- Just pee on the freaking chair already for crying out loud! I can tolerate your urine much better than your psycho-fly-off-the-handle employee relation complaint threats and whining!

Perhaps it’s because she’s pretty. Perhaps it’s because she wasn’t overly friendly to some of the staff. Perhaps it’s because she’s smart and good at whatever it is they have her doing in her super secret office. I don’t know. What I do know is that people’s panties are getting all wadded up over the fact that she’s here.

Can’t we all get along? Seriously- I’m having flashbacks to my awkward junior high days. Please don’t make me go back there. I thought this work relationship crap was supposed to be easier than junior high- why is everything digressing? Don’t they have seminars for this stuff?- “Love Your Cubical Mate” and “How to Foster Healthy Work Relationships While Maintaining Your Sanity” or “Killing Your Co-Worker: Why It’s Not Worth It.” I bet there’s one for “Chill Out, You Freaking Moron. That New Girl Isn’t Out to Steal Your Job- and PS: You Smell Like Icy Hot.” If there’s not, please, please somebody do something.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m the moron here. It could very well be. All I know is: Thank God for iPods. Seriously. There’s no better way to drown out the sound of high pitch territorial shrills like a good dose of Thievery.

Gotta go. People are continually loitering around my desk.

It’s as if their killer instincts have sniffed out this post and they’re circling me, preparing to pounce…

...

or maybe even worse…

the won’t invite me to the next office birthday party. (gasp!)