Because I'm Terrible at Scrapbooks

sunny side up

“It’s so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk.”

I’ve heard that phrase so many times that every time the, “It’s so hot…” part begins to leave someone’s mouth, my brain turns to overcooked slimy egg noodles, and I begin to excrete a small amount of Polar Ice flavored saliva that trickles down the left side of my chin.

Yes. Yes it is hot.

I know this heat is a huge shock to you, considering we’re 2.34 miles from the equator, there are no inland water sources, and Satan himself set up a temporary hell that can be found 35 miles past Kuwait City, but please, if you’re going to live here you can’t say that phrase in May.

You think it’s hot now you little wussy? Ha, I laugh.

I can’t wait to see you in July when it’s so hot that you get butt sweat that trickles down your leg and makes a crashing splash mark on the sidewalk as you wait in line at the Taco Bell outdoor kiosk.

Or even in August, when it’s so humid that you walk outside and have to perform the breaststroke to get to your vehicle.

You are justified to complain then. But now? In May? No.

We all laugh at you and nod our heads in agreeance sarcastically saying, “Oh yes, yes. It is deathly outside,” knowing for a fact that 30 more degrees are about to be dumped on the Earth like 300 pounds of steamy manure on a European bean field.

It’s terrible to lead people to believe this is how hot it will get, but in some sick way it’s also fun. People did it to me, I’m sure others did it to them, and those before, etc. It’s the one tiny pleasure we have here, cut me some slack!

Do you want me to tell you what to do with your stupid egg, oh wise one who believes this is the maximum heat you will experience?

I’ll tell you what you can do.

When I was about 4 years old I experienced my first hot Oklahoma summer.Now, I was young, but I was smart enough to know that when it’s hotter than a cat in heat you have to do something to alleviate the swelter.

Eggs.

Yes, eggs were the first thing that came to my growing mind. I remember going to the fridge and getting two eggs. I pretended they were people, talking to each other about how freaking hot it was. And yes, I ‘m almost certain I said freaking as a 4 year old. It’s been a part of my vocabulary since birth. In fact I’m almost certain it was part of my first coherent sentence:

“Bring me my freaking sippy cup momma,” although she swears it never was.

Anyway, my freaking eggs were freaking talking some freaking, ‘It’s hot as crap out here Sally the Egg!”

“Why yes it is Earl the Scramble!”

I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, but I do remember the next sequence of events. Somehow, after my egg acquaintance conversation I decided what the crap cools better than egg?

Hmm.

NOTHING!

Down the eggs went, Down my pants.

Why?

Why?

Why the crap would you do something so moronic Brittny?

I don’t freaking know! I was four!

So anyway, down the eggs went, smashing on my little belly and running down my egg. “Ahhh, feels so gooood.”

”Where were your parents during this time, Brittny?”

Yeah I know, right!? What the crap were they doing when I was crushing eggs down my pants to cool myself? Probably down at K-Mart buying some Tom Collins mix and Cheetos (ha ha, totally kidding, my parents were never raging alcholics, but I do wonder where they were when I was shoving eggs down my pants or when I was cooking a cookbook in the freaking George Foreman Grill? Hmmm. I bet I’ll be a great mom someday! haha)

That was my chilling solution to a hot summer day. That. That my friend is what you can do with your freaking eggs.

Stick it down your pants and cool yourself down. You’re in for a long summer.

Welcome to Kuwait.

******************************

TGIW. Can you tell I’m ready for the weekend!? Wish us luck, we’re doing one of those couple things to show each other just how committed we are to the other person- buying his and her luggage this weekend. I so make fun of people like that. Well, now you can make fun of me because we’ll be selling Will’s sperm on ebay for the next month so that we can finance some Samsonite. Will has beautiful dark hair and shockingly blue-green eyes that are an amazing contrast together. Your kids would be pretty. Please donate to our samsonite fund! smile

I’m sure you’ll hear all about this adventure.

Have a good rest of the week.

Oh- and TheNewestIrish- do you have a blog??

Always remember to stock your fridge with eggs and spay and neuter your animals.

That is all.

posted in The Old Blog bullet permalink bullet 5.17.2006

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About

brittny I'm B-Love. Lover of God, my husband Will, my doggies, OU football, weight training, plyometrics healthy eating (mostly!), peanut butter, and all things health related. Buckle up and get ready for my constant embarrassing moments, health and fitness tips,and my effort to rely on Christ while living life in the real world. Follow me on Feedly! Sign up for monthly emails at blove@theblovelife.com!


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