I turned 25 on the 14th.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s not old, but it does seem as if 25 comes with a whole new host of responsibilities and expectations. 25 is so… adult. I know I’ve been an adult for quite some time now, but when I look back and think about the times I heard someone tell me they were 25 I assumed certain things about them and their life. I’m quickly finding how silly assumptions are!

25 comes with financial stability, “when are you having kids?” and a real career. It’s not playtime anymore. It’s not a “cute” age. If I had a dollar for every time I was called a “baby” at work because I was 24 I wouldn’t have to live in Kuwait anymore. I could go home and retire. 25 surpasses all those things. I’m officially not at the kids table anymore. It’s all silverware and white tablecloths from here on out.

I guess I’m feeling reflective because 25 seems as though I should be at a certain point of my life and I don’t feel as though I am. Sure, you can’t plan life. You can spend a whole lifetime planning life and be disappointed when all those plans never come to fruition. It’s not that I mapped out my life, it’s just that I guess when I think of being 25 I don’t think of “this-” as in me this very second.

I don’t know…

I guess it’s got me thinking about a lot of things. About kids. About how I always thought as I got older I would want to have them. How I constantly told myself I didn’t want any ever and how I knew I was saying that just because I was young and I was just sure I would change my mind as I got older. Granted, perhaps that’s true. I’m still young, and maybe as I creep into the late 20s my mind will change, but I’m really starting to think that maybe what I’ve said all along is honest- I really don’t want to have kids.

It’s got me thinking about what the hell I’m doing here. Seriously- what am I doing here? Is God using me the same way He could use me elsewhere? I don’t know. I’ve been so convinced He’s had me here for this huge purpose and plan- but is that true? I mean, I know God is in control and he can do whatever he wants, but I guess I’m wondering if perhaps He’s trying to tell me something and I’m not listening. Are we really here for “God’s glory?” I truly believe he has allowed us to live here for some reason I just don’t know what reason that is. Maybe I’ll never know. Maybe it is some huge “purpose and plan” as I mentioned earlier. Maybe it’s something totally unnoticed by all but one. I don’t really know.

The above subject inevitably gets me thinking about home. Do you realize that initially, when we first arrived here back in 2005, our goal was to stay 3 years and then go home? Can you believe 3 years is already done? In about 3 weeks I will have lived here 3 years. Technically, if we go back to that “mapped out plan” I referred to earlier we’re supposed to be closing up shop and heading home. We talk about another year, another 2 years, and sometimes leaving tomorrow… we have no real plan just yet.

Then I think about how badly I’ve been hurt and constantly screwed by my job and it’s got me thinking I really just need to start looking for something elsewhere. I think about how I don’t think I’m ready to leave. How I want to stay so badly. How it would break my heart and will to have to move home right now. I’ve lived near my family for the last 25 years and to think of them being in Kuwait, my sister being in college over here, and me back home? It pains me. I think about how maybe that’s all apart of God’s plan. I think about if that is part of his plan and how much it would hurt me. How mad and ripped off I would feel. How hard it would be to obey God, and how heartbroken I would be. I know obedience is not always easy, but what I know and what I feel are so different.

I think about work this week and how awful it was. How in the last year I have seen so many people come and go, come and get fired… just so much pain and turnover. It takes a toll on the people that have had to come here everyday and witness these constant changes- it gets tiring after a while! I feel like my department is the kid whose parents have gotten divorced and now there’s some huge custody battle that never ends. I’ve had a very crappy week professionally, and the thought of coming in to work today really took a toll.

Then I think about Will’s dad. In the middle of the night yesterday we got a call from Will’s brother (I started this post before we got this call).

Middle of the night calls are never good.

We learned that his dad had collapsed- and thankfully Will’s mom was still at the house to find him and call 911. They rushed him to the hospital where they’ve placed him in ICU. He has a massive blood clot in his heart and lung. It was a real close call and very scary. Will and I took the day off yesterday as we awaited updates. He’ll be in ICU for the next few days, but thankfully he started breathing on his own again yesterday afternoon so that was an encouragement. We’re hoping the worst is over. It was such a scare and I worry about Will. He’s so close to his dad. Yesterday’s news really drove home the fact that life is short and we really need to begin thinking about our future plans and were we’re supposed to be. Is it here? I’m not sure…

I just have a lot on my mind my first few days as a “real” adult. Life is about so much more than the small package we seem to create for it. I don’t know what all that means, but I know it’s got me thinking about a lot of different things and possibilities.

Please keep us in your prayers. I will update you guys on Will’s dad as I hear things. Thanks for your support and letting me vent. It’s been quite a week.