Because I'm Terrible at Scrapbooks

wherein i start to sound like a broken record

Untitled

Sooo, the theme of my life these days is that I need to “be still.”

Just be still.

Sit tight.

Wait on the Lord.

Loud and clear.

I’ve posted about it a few times (as you can see from the links above) and have to remind myself that “being still,” is in fact the theme of my life this season.

The trouble is, I find “being still” anything but easy!

Anyone else feel me?

I’m sure you moms out there are raising your hands high in the sky.

I find it incredibly hard to be still. I am a do-er. 

If I want or need something done, I do it.

(And as an aside, Will is lucky that I have been so merciful and gracious not to completely overhaul the office and his man cave mess smile )

When I finished my master’s program, I suddenly had all this extra time in the evenings on my hands. It felt so strange, so “wrong,” to simply relax and watch TV.

I can’t sit still. The house is dirty, laundry needs to go into the dryer, and I should prep food for tomorrow.

And that’s just the physical aspect. Never mind the fact my mind is always busy, thinking of things, looking ahead, wondering…

Do you ever feel like you simply don’t have an “off” button?

I’m starting to think I don’t.

But deep down, I know I do.

And God is telling me to dial it down and BE STILL.

Just sit.

Last week, after I read some scripture, I spent my entire quiet time with my eyes shut, just sitting in the stillness of the Lord.

Can I please tell you how nearly impossible that was for me?

My mind would wander,

I would start to pray about things,

The dogs jumped on my lap,

He knows my prayers before I pray them, he knows my worries before I voice them to Him. Yet I feel like I need to be the one controlling the conversation all the time. Why do I do that?

All the while, I could feel him telling me just to sit in Him. To sit in the silence and feel his presence.

After reading scripture, my prayer time time with him was only 15 minutes, and most of that was full of my internal mind distractions. However, for the 5 minutes I actually did quiet my soul and sit still, I so experienced him the way he wanted and has commanded me to.

And it was amazing.

And of course, I immediately finished and rushed off to do the next thing.

So much for being still.

I feel like God is trying to point me in the direction of Mary, when all I want to do is be a Martha. I want to adopt causes, and save the world, and help people, and do good works in the name of the Lord.

Here am I, send me!

And I know he desires that of me, too.

But right now?

BE STILL.

Wait on Him.

He is guiding me, he is preparing me.

But oh guys why is this so hard?

Why is this lesson so hard for me to submit to?

It’s been months, guys. Many months, and still I’m being so stubborn.

I was never overly talkative in school, but I suddenly feel like I’m back in 5th grade and my teacher has something very important to teach me and all I can do is cause massive distractions to the lesson.

And when I think of it like that, it totally discourages me all the more.

Brittny, get out of the way!

I get so frustrated, because I feel like there is so much I could and “should” be doing in terms of kingdom work, but I so feel God impressing upon my heart to only move when HE calls, not me.

And it should be simple, but it’s so not.

And so six months later, I continue to post about this same exact lesson I’m learning, because it’s proving so much harder than I wanted it to be.

I want so badly, in the core of my heart and bones to honor God and worship Him and obey him, and yet when I think about doing those things, I think of action, as in filling my time with “good” and “spiritual “things.

However, the true action is this: I need to obey him in this one action. The action of quieting myself and sitting in His presence.

Just sitting there, being quiet and still and obedient. Waiting on the Lord.

In this action (that I clearly don’t see as an “action”), the other things will come. The giving, the serving, the loving, the leading. I know it will, and I know it will be guided and poignant (because right now? I want to do everything!).

I get so overwhelmed by wanting to do it all, that when I’m called to do what seems like “nothing” it overwhelms me all the more.

The fact of the matter is that he wants to pour himself out on me in this specific way, and I am missing out on these blessings- and for no good reason.

I’ve been much more meditative about it the last couple of weeks. Our pastor is preaching a series on how small changes can have huge impacts, and I’ve been applying those principles into this whole situation.

That means, I’ve implemented a plan to help be quiet down a little.

Less time on the phone,

Less committing to “things” even when they seem amazing and spiritual (but are things I do not feel as though I am being called by God to do).

More time being quiet in the car and during my times with the Lord.

All steps I am taking to add some “stillness” to my life and weed out the noise so I can hear Him all the more.

I don’t know how much longer this whole being still business is before me, but I have a feeling I’ve still got quite a ways to go. I’m making baby steps, and am thankful for God’s patience and grace.

I can only stop to think and wonder how amazing it will be when I finally have my a-ha moment, but until then, I have a lot to learn.

Continued prayers that I will quiet myself and wait on The Lord during this season. I know he has a plan and is fighting for me. “I need only to be still.”

<3
Untitled

Page 1 of 1 pages

About

brittny I'm B-Love. Lover of God, my husband Will, my doggies, OU football, weight training, plyometrics healthy eating (mostly!), peanut butter, and all things health related. Buckle up and get ready for my constant embarrassing moments, health and fitness tips,and my effort to rely on Christ while living life in the real world. Follow me on Feedly! Sign up for monthly emails at blove@theblovelife.com!


From Flickr


Archives



Most recent entries


Syndicate


Search



Site Meter