1. Wake up on time. Even early perhaps.

2. Have a good balanced breakfast. You owe it to yourself- I mean you got up early, you have a big day ahead of you, go on- eat!

You’re making great time. You’re such a superstar and today is going to be great day.

3. Shower, do your hair, makeup, etc. Take your clothes off the hanger (the clothes you responsibly ironed the night before) and get dressed. You’re so nice to yourself. In fact- you even made your lunch ahead of time too! So squared away.

4. Gather your things and get ready to walk out the door.

5. Hear your dog vomit.

6. Spend five minutes cleaning it up, only to realize there’s more. There’s always more.

5. Finish cleaning. Gather your things (again) and getting ready to walk out the door.

6. Notice the huge Aquafresh toothpaste stain on your shirt. The left boob to be exact.

7. Contemplate going to work as is.

8. Change your mind and address the issue.

9. Finally leave for work.

10. Encounter traffic. Spend the next fifteen minutes swearing and going on and on about how you NEVER encounter traffic.

What terrible luck!? I mean- you made your lunch the night before, for crying out loud! You got up early! Early.

11. Get to work. Realize you forgot your laptop at home.

12. Get in the car, bang on the horn uncontrollably, and go home.

And don’t come back.

Don’t.come.back.