I’ve never really been into potions and creams. I mean, call me a skeptic, but anything that tells me if I rub this magic serum on my face for only 46 weeks (and $745.00) I’ll look like Jessica Simpson (pre-divorce) has me a little wary.

However, as a Mary Kay lady, I’m a big advocate of trying all the new (amazing, wonderful, life-altering, YOU MUST BUY FROM ME NOW) products we’re coming out with so I’m familiar with how they work.

That means sometimes trying some of those serums that promise big results fast.

Want to know what I’m trying right now?

The MK Timewise Cellu-Shape Contouring System (yeah- try saying that fast 3 times in a row).

okay, okay, before you stop reading in fear that I’m trying to pressure you into buying something- I’m not. I <3 MK, but this post isn't about me trying to get into your pockets (hee hee).

(hmm, okay, it is a little- but I promise it's not intentional and this post has a point)

Where were we?

I'm on week two and so far so good. Now, obviously the stuff doesn't get rid of the fat, but it does help smooth out the bumps.

I'm greatly appreciative.

I think I was born with cellulite.

Seriously. I have memories from 20 years ago of people nailing extra shingles to their roof every time I came around because:

"I can't put my finger on it- but I've got a funny feeling a hail storm is coming."

I could barely crawl at this point or gurgle a meaningful sound. I'm telling you- all my life.

So, hey what have I got to lose, right? Prove me wrong, I figured.

I gotta first say that I just love the stuff because the nighttime solution is so darn fun. It's this super awesome pink gel. I'm always tempted to squeeze the entire bottle out in one sitting just because it looks so cool.

The results, however, haven't been nearly as cool as the pink gel.

Ladies, I'm sad to say that I think the cool pink gel has made me fatter.

Yep, that's right.

It's the gel, I tell you.

Sure, my legs look great and they're smooth and cellulite free, but guys- the fat has been displaced to my stomach and face.

It's terrifying. I went to button a pair of pants I can normally wear just fine (with a few deep breaths before SQUEEZE and button, of course), and you know what? I couldn't button them!

The only rational answer to my pants not being able to button is clearly the pink lotion potion!

Sure, the entire weekend I ate as if I were training for the World Famous Eat-a-Thon in Grand Rapids next year, and my most strenuous form of exercise this week has been picking up crap left by Boz and Lucy, but I'm confident this has nothing to do with the buttoning troubles.

Nothing at all.

I think I must have been applying the gel incorrectly. Too much? Not enough? Too much patting? Not enough patting?

I think I somehow rubbed the leg cellulite into my stomach, neck, and cheeks!

Blasted "upward strokes!!"

The box said 7 out of 10 women lost 1/2 an inch in their trouble spots, but they failed to mention that they GAINED 10 pounds in every other limb of their body!

I've been pinching and poking and standing in the mirror assessing the neck fat and asking Will if he thinks it's possible for lotion to "swoosh" fat from one area of your body to another.

He says I'm weird.

I think he's bought into the commercialism and their lies.

He can't be brought back, now.

Sigh…

So now I have stick legs, gigantor cheeks, and a beach ball for a stomach.

Instead of jiggle-ish legs, I've got jiggle-ih cheeks. My nose jiggles, guys. That’s not humanly possible! Also, the other day I sneezed and I swear pink gel shot out of my nose.

So, as you can see, I’ve got quite a problem on my hands.

Again- this has NOTHING to do with my weekend eating.

Period.

Uh, PS- this probably isn’t the right time to bring this up, but why don’t you order some MK? I think we both know where my fat has originated.