Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
Which is simultaneously comforting and terrifying.
After all, we are reminded in Jeremiah that the heart is deceitful above all things, and the Lord searches and examines its depths.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what God sees when He looks at my heart.
Do I spend as much time on the inside of the cup as I do the outside?
I had Mohs surgery on my face to remove some potentially cancerous cells this past Wednesday.
I was a wreck the week after my pre-op and as I googled the surgery.
A word to the wise- don’t google worrisome things you’re facing in life.
You will lose sleep.
It’s pretty much a guarantee the most extreme cases or situations will be the first to come up in the search and will ruin you.
I was a wreck because I’m a woman in my 30s. While my best years are yet to be, let’s face it, I’m not shiny faced and 20 anymore. Makeup is a necessity these days and wrinkles continue to appear out of nowhere.
And now I have to worry about basal cells so early!?
The night after my pre-op (which was over two months before the surgery!) I googled and cried and googled and cried some more.
This went on for about a week each evening.
Will, dear Will, was no help.
He’s a guy.
To him there was a problem (possible basal cells) and a solution (the removal of said cells).
Yes, he’s right, but any woman knows there’s more that meets the eye. The worry of all the new spots they’ll probably find in the coming years (a result of my stupid decision to tan during my teens). A giant scar on my face.
One of my dear friends and prayer warriors completely got it. We cried together a lot that week and prayed even more. Her prayers were completely beautiful, true, and anointed. She reminded me of my value in Christ and that He bottles my tears and works for good no matter what.
Her godly prayers strengthened me so very much and the holy spirit used them to bring such peace during the painfully long time between my pre-op and surgery.
I had a of of time to think about my heart condition during the two months leading up to surgery.
There’s so much gunk and yuckiness deep in the depths.
Pride, jealousy, worry, entitlement.
Not only was I going to battle surgery and a scar on the outside, but I also needed some heart surgery on the inside too.
I’d like to tell you the inside surgery has been easier than the outside surgery, but I’d be lying.
It hurts to surrender to Christ.
Not because of Him- His burden is light.
But because of my own sinful nature and desire to rule myself and pursue my own desires.
Just as the doctor stripped away a layer of the bad cells on my nose Wednesday, the Lord has begun to strip away my own internal heart cancer layer by layer.
Pride, worry, spitefulness… The list goes on and on.
I can’t hide the scar on my face, it will always be there.
I also can’t hide my hurts before the Lord, He searches the depth of my heart and sears my soul with the promise He is ever present.
Just as my doctor took care to stitch me back together, the Great Physician, my Jehovah Rapha, heals my heart. He prunes away the things that dishonor Him, and fills me with more of His goodness.
My scar will take time to heal and will leave a daily reminder of what transpired. In the same way, my heart certainly also bears the scars of a heart broken by my own sinfulness and horrid decisions, only to be stitched together and healed by a God big enough to restore even the biggest of messes.
I’m not happy I had to go through this experience, but I am thankful for the reminder of where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m heading as I pursue Christ.
To our continued healing, inside and out. 💗
On a much lighter note, I’ve taken several days off to recover and have not done a single thing.
Not even kidding.
It’s been the most uneventful and lazy few days of my entire life. Will and I are surprisingly really good at being completely worthless.
I don’t think that’s a good thing…
I’ve only gone out to see my mom a couple times (my sister and Layla stopped by too!). I also went through a drive through twice, but that’s it.
I have church tomorrow and was a little apprehensive about going at first. You should have seen the awfulness of Will and I trying to appropriately bandage my face. 😂
Attempt number two
At this point I was having a complete meltdown. Thankfully Will went to the drawing board and engineered attempt number three, which was much improved over the previous two.
I get my stitches out Wednesday and am so ready! Thankfully attempt three made me feel slightly less garish.
I’m sure Will would agree- this staycation has been incredibly dull, but it’s still been nice to be together and heal up.
So there you have it, not only a devo but also a real life update.
Thanks for listening. More to come. 💗