You know I love you, that’s why it hurts to write this letter.
Remember all the fun we had my first couple of years of college? Y’know before my boyfriend (who later became my husband) made me get a job- taking me away from you and our special hour together? Of course you remember. You were as devastated. I had to hang up on you because I couldn’t talk through all your sobbing. I’m sorry I had to cut the cord that day. The truth is, I think Will felt threatened by the connection we shared. I know, you probably get that a lot, but this time it’s real.
Who could forget our discussions over weight loss, Brad and Jen (pre-split, of course!), and how great Texas beef really is? Oh the laughs we shared, and the tears we cried. Every weekday at 4:00 was such a special time!
And now… now there’s a chance that we might reunite! I know you were just as thrilled as I was. I’m sure the same things that were going through my head were going through yours when you learned I would be in Kuwait.
“Has she changed since we last met?”
“I hope she remembers me.”
“I hope this pink shirt doesn’t make me look fat.”
Don’t worry, Oprah, I remembered you- oh, and you look great in that shirt! Stop saying you look fat!”
Unfortunately, as excited as you’ve been to meet me, I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel.
I know, I know, you rearranged your “busy schedule” to come all the way over to the middle of nowhere, but the truth is, Op, I’m a busy lady in high demand. These websites I visit just can’t wait and I am not going to let them down, darn it. Not even for Oprah Winfrey.
So, I knew this news would be upsetting, and I knew you would have your people call my people to try to arrange a get together. How many more ways can I say, “I’m Busy!” without hurting your feelings!? Gah. Just let it go. You’re really beginning to look desperate.
Okay, I see you are going to pester me about meeting you, so here’s what I decided to do. Here is a list of the reasons I can not meet with you today. I don’t think I can make things any clearer than this!!
10. I wore entirely too much blush today. The lighting in my bathroom isn’t the greatest. I thought I needed a little more because apparently it just didn’t seem like 50 swipes was enough. I reapplied the pink horror one last time only to shock myself in the office bathroom this morning.
I look like a cross between Tammie Faye and a Rose Parade float. I can’t see you like this.
9. If the blush encompassing my entire face wasn’t enough, I have yet another unwanted entity sitting on my face, unrelated to makeup. That’s right, Oprah, I have a huge zit on the left side of my chin. Talk about embarrassing. I’m greeting people before I even get to them. My chin shows up 20 feet before the rest of my does! I thought there was a chance it would clear up so I could meet you, but that just isn’t the case. In fact, I even bought some “Super Strength Will suck the life out of your zit in 3 minutes or your money back” stuff hoping it would help. Sadly, it hasn’t, and I look the exact same way I did yesterday. Only with more blush and a zit the size of a large ferret dancing around my chin with each word I speak.
8. There is a very strange smell emanating from one of the cubicles in my office. I am very paranoid it is mine. It smells like someone put a fresh bag of kettle corn inside a squishy and explosive baby diaper and let it marinate for 2.5 hours. I keep sniffing, trying to inconspicuously catch where the pungency is coming from, but I can’t be certain. I hope it’s not my cubicle.
7. I am having a fat day. I know you can relate to this. I mean, I’ve watched your fluctuate in the 80s and early 90s to finally blossom into one fit chick. Anyway- you know what’ I’m saying. My shirt is getting tucked into my little stomach roll, so unattractive. I can’t have you see me like this.
I am having a zitty, smelly, blushy, fat day. I could stop in my countdown, walk away, and you would totally understand, but here is more, so much more.
6. There are a whole bunch of new eastern hires standing around dour office. They have been standing around and trading turns on the couch for 4 hours. It’s very awkward because They are staring at my screen and it’s freaking me out. On top of that, I stick out in the office because I look like a typical American and so they keep looking at me and I’m getting creeped. Oprah, I don’t want to add to the awkwardness. If you came in here a riot would ensue. I know these young bucks are huge fans of your successful made for TV movies, and I know they know who you are and appreciate you just like the next guy. However, I am certain things would get out of hand and you would feel overwhelmed. I know you’re not used to autographs and pictures and I wouldn’t want to scare you.
5. I walked into the bathroom earlier today (after I saw my scary blush) and saw I had a little microbooger on the tip of my nose. How much more embarrassing can my life get!!? Too much blush, a huge zit, a FAT DAY, AND a micro-booger!!!? These things are supposed to happen one at a time! Oh, Oprah, you’re not familiar with this term?
Sorry, let me catch you up to speed. A micro booger is a teeny tiny little hanging booger just out the cavity of your nose. It’s not terribly noticeable at first site, but trust me, people see you with it.
Therefore from the time I went to the restroom this morning and saw “Big Blush” to the time I saw “microbooger” I have been walking around with crap coming out of my nose none the wiser. Living my life and talking to people and everyone wants to throw up their tuna salad and I’m smiling and having no clue why everyone is rubbing their nose and giving me strange looks. JUST TELL ME! Don’t let me walk around looking even MORE stupid! Ugh. Oprah, do you feel my pain!?
4.I have a VERY, I mean VERY stressful and demanding job, Oprah. Even more high profile than yours. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Today I was swamped with a load feedback, and then I was weighed down with meetings at AOL.com, and to top it off I am so stressed about finding new sandals for my Saturday deadline. Ugh! Crucial stuff Oprah! As you can see I don’t just leave work at the door when I come home. I bring these things home. I carry the weight of my shoulders, but someone has to do it. You understand, don’t you? I guess not. I mean, you only have your own production company and TV show. That’s not all that hectic.
3. I’m in training. That’s right. I’m working out tonight and can’t talk to anyone. It’s sort of the age old rule of no sex before a game because the guy needs to be focused. That’s the same with me except I’m all about the first thing and not all about having meaningful conversations today. That means Will wins and you lose. Sorry Oprah, I just can’t waste my sentences. I need to keep to myself and remained focused on the challenge before me.
2. As of 3:00 today I am taking a vow of silence- until 6:00, that is. The only window I MIGHT have had to meet you would have been between 3 and 6, and I am not speaking then so we can’t meet. It would be me staring at you and you talking away all about A Million Little Pieces and everything in between. I just wouldn’t be much company.
1. Will wouldn’t let me.
Thanks for understanding my situation. I’m just too busy for you and can’t really squeeze you in right now.
I know I’ll see you again sometime. Until then, we’ll always have your show…
Your Friend,
Brittny
***If you haven’t already guessed, the Oprah thing appeared to be a bad rumor. Sigh…
