Alone I sit at the computer.

I just scarfed down my second bowl of Kashi (note to self- it’s not considered South Beach Friendly if you eat enough to feed a boy’s choir) and am listening to the night’s prayer call.

I prefer not to eat alone, and I prefer not to eat in front of this box, but I thought you would be more company than listening to the TV blare, so here I am.

Current listen?

Sia: Breathe Me.

I’m currently downloading a wealth of new songs. My sister keeps me cool. She emails me all the songs I HAVE to have, so I download them and she is usually right- it’s mostly good stuff.

So anyway, now that we agree you have to know all these stupid and pointless facts, I’ll move on.

This weekend was definitely an “I want to go home” one. I don’t particularly know why. Okay, maybe I do. Do you have time to listen? I don’t.

Anyway, since we established the fact that I’m feeling a little homesick I’ll fast forward to today. I got a little hangy air freshener to put in the company car. It is a yankee one. I love those things. It is called Home Sweet Home, and honestly, if it hadn’t been named that, that’s what I would have said it reminded me of.

Was I torturing myself with this air freshener or what!?

In fact, I’m such a loser that I brought the wrapper upstairs with me so that I could remember the smell.

We learned in interpersonal communication (and an old spice commercial!) that scent is the strongest link to our memory. I believe it. I opened the air freshner about 5 minutes from my apartment and I was distracted by a flood of memories. So many memories all at the same time that I couldn’t even sort them through.

I thought about my parent’s house back home. It smelled like that. My mom loved spicy and cinnamony candles and would light them all the time. It reminded me of that house, and my heart hurt because after moving around my whole entire life, that was the house that anchored me and now someone else lives there. That is a post in itself but I think that might be one I never post publicly because it would drag on forever and make me cry.

It also reminded me of Christmas. If it hadn’t been called Home Sweet Home it should have been called Christmas. It reminded me of all the candles my mom would burn and all the cooking she would do and those scented big pine cones and a million other christmasy things. Gosh I want to go on but I vowed not to stay on here all night- and what am I doing!?

It reminded me of Sarah C’s house too. I had a lot of fun growing up there. I wonder how she is doing. I hope well. The last time I saw her was, gosh… I am thinking.. it had to have been Christmas break before we moved over here. We met at Atlanta Bread for lunch. That was the last time we talked. I know she is doing great. I know it.

It also reminded me of apple cider and freezing our butts off at high school games and OU games.

I was just shocked at all the things that were overtaking me. I just wanted to be home so bad.

I waver a lot about what we should do but I’ve just been homesick the last few days. I’m just tired of fighting for what is right and seeing everything bad win. I know that happens back home too, but I have to believe it is not near the magnitude that it is here. Someone said something that is sadly true about our company, “All the good people leave because they get tired of trying to fight the system.” It’s so true.

Will and I just want to work and go home but I’m afraid the first part may not be a viable option for us for much longer. I don’t know that for sure. I mean ask me tomorrow when I’m having a , “I can make it here” day and it might be totally different.

Anyway, so here I sit by myself.

I hate that.

Especially on I miss home days.

On top of that I’m tired and I just want to go to sleep.

Will is in charge of an april fool’s day run they’re having tonight so he won’t be home until late. I guess him being gone gives me time to get some stuff done, but I doubt I will. I figure I will take a shower, get ready for bed. iron tomorrow’s stuff (If I’m lucky!) and go to bed. Or at least make an attempt to. Days like today make me wish he were here to go to bed with me. Sigh.

I think a lot of it is that my emotions are heightened thanks to nature… do I need to say any more or give you a definition of nature!? I sure hope not. Thanks Brittny! We will all set our clocks to you. You’re a sunday start you say? OKAY!

Anyway, I’m just tender an tired and miss home today.

Yesterday.

Tomorrow.

Probably the day after too.

I wish I knew the right thing. There are days when I think, “I don’t even know if I’m going to make it to tomorrow let alone August!” and then there are other days I think, “If we take a nice long vacation this fall I think I can make it until next May, but I’m not sure how much more after that.”

I am like a big rickety teeter totter.  If I’m honest haven’t prayed enough about it. I’ve prayed so quickly the last couple of weeks that I know I’ve missed out on some wonderful time with God. I need to listen more this week.

So anyway, I’m writing now, debating whether I will make this public or private.

Public or private?

My heart says, “Brittny! Make it private!”

I know I should.

I think I’ll make it public because I feel like being a jerk. ha ha. Totally kidding. I’m sorry for the downer post. You know I’m not like this a lot. I am just tired of things and am missing home and am bombarded with a lot of warm memories from home.

See- I’m kiling myself over here! I’m smelling the stupid wrapper this very second. What a dork. Yeah, THAT’S good therapy!

Okay, private.

Public.

Private

Public…

Should I toss a coin?

I hate writing down posts like this and then posting it for you guys who have your own problems, to read… but then again if you really want to know me I guess you should know all of me and know I am feeling homesick. Like the homsick where you heart feels like its constantly inhaling and can’t exhale. Like you can’t breathe for fear that if you do, that if you breathe out you will show yourself and all the tears and worries and everything else and they won’t be able to stop and you will just be left there the way you were before but in worse shape because you will be snoting on yourself and your eyes will be all puffy.  That sort of homesick. I would just prefer to inhale. I don’t know if I’m ready for the exhale part quite yet.

So, I guess I will apologize for being such a jerk for posting this on your guys’ weekend when all is perfect and “yes (E.E. Cummings).”

Thanks for reading if you did! Sorry to be a downer. I think I need to sleep, get through this week and get an answer from God! It sounds so easy when I say it like that.

Until then I’ll just shut the computer down for now and take my goofy little wrapper and reminisce of home