This is post is so beyond anything I’ve ever written here before. It is so not a “typical” post. So, you’ve been warned. Now, before I continue please be aware that although I am writing my heart out on a public blog, that doesn’t mean I’m ready for a million people to tell me what they think. I love you guys, but this post is solely for me today and I may decide that in the morning, once my mind has rested and I’m feeling less emotional, that this best would best be served as an inactive post that no one can read but me. Not to mention that these feeling are also heightened due to PMS. This has the potential to be a dangerous post! To top is all off, this is a post about God, which almost always leads to people arguing. So, please just either lurk and read this post or ignore it. I’m feeling all out of sorts I will just let you all in on my heart today. You can consider yourselves the lucky ones- ha ha, or the unlucky ones. If you respond to this post please respect me and my thoughts.

I am sitting in the pitch dark of my apartment, tears still filling my eyes. I’m trying my very best to type every so quietly so that I don’t wake Will. He has to work tomorrow. I have off because our company observes the 4th on the 1st.

I’m not sure where this post will take me. I’m not even sure what I’m thinking. I just know my heart hurts and I had to go somewhere. Will and I came off a great weekend and as the night came to an end I found myself tearing up and feeling down. We had watched Sooner Magic, a documentary over- you guessed it- the OU football team.

After watching it I was feeling understandably homesick and just felt sad for the weekend to be over. We went to bed, but I lay there wide awake, thinking of so many things. A few tears trickled down my eyes as I thought about “life.” I lay there in the quiet of the night trying my best to go to sleep. All of a sudden I heard the thundering “boom” of something unnatural. I continued to hear it and finally got out of bed and looked out the window to see what it was.

Fireworks.

It was fireworks.

I thought I might have a breakdown right there, but I knew I needed to let will sleep, so I sneaked out of the room and stood by the living room window. I peered through the curtains, watching the show. It was as if God had given me my very own fireworks show. They flew above all the tall buildings that normally block my view. I could see everything. It was so majestic and freeing and beautiful. It took me away from Kuwait.

I just stood by the window, hiding behind the curtain. I held my heart and just cried as I watched each carefree burst of life come careening into the sky, just for me. I know all this sounds so silly, but for so many reasons those fireworks were so much more than some election party gone crazy. It made me miss home and at the same time, it made me feel at home. I had not 1 hour before told Will how much I missed home and how I was starting to be homesick just as I was last year before we went home, and God just seemed to scoop me up and bless me with this intimate little fireworks show. Everything melted away and it was just me and the sky.

I wish I cold convey to you the vastness and meaning of this short moment, but I really have no words right now. I have more emotions than anything. Emotion and no words. For some reason those 5 minutes just grabbed my heart and made me feel so very many things. Things that I can’t really begin to express. I only wish the moment would have lasted longer. I don’t mean to sound greedy, but it was so powerful and special. It was like it was just me, all alone at that window with God showing me how much he loves His daughter, which is ironic because as I was lying in bed all I could think of was, “Are you there God? It’s me, Brittny.”

I know it’s some dumb title to an old Judy Blume book, but it’s all I could think as I was there thinking about the million things running through my mind. Of course I know that God is there, he’s always with me. I’m a Christian and have grown up in church my whole life. I married an ordained minister and know all the “right answers,” but lately I can’t help but as that question more and more- “Are you there God?”

After the fireworks came to an end I found myself terribly lonely. I hate that feeling. “Are you there God? It’s me, Brittny” I wanted to say. I remember hearing a preacher once say that there are times in our lives when we will ask that, “Where are you God?” and he said that in his life’s experience that when he has asked that question it was the time when he was closet to God, only he didn’t know it at the time because he was so consumed with “the problem” at hand. I’m not really sure if I agree with that statement, but it’s given me something to think on.

Lately I’ve been thinking heart wrenching thoughts. Thoughts I could only wish into a post that would never be. I have no words for it all. It comes down to how big my life has seemed to become since I’ve moved here.

“Do you miss the way we once were, God?” I want to ask. I think I’m afraid to. I know I miss the way we once were. I think about my life back home and the way things once were and I wonder if I’ve saddened God. Granted, I know he has taken us here, but I still wonder if he misses the way things were like I do.

Does he miss the people we once were? Life was so tiny back then. I miss the days of my church family. I miss the days of being a youth minister’s wife. I miss the lazy days out by the pool and sleepovers on the pull out couch with my sister. I miss my dad coming into my room at night, laying his hand on my head and praying with me. I miss the days of Falls Creek. I miss so many things. I miss how I could feel the presence of God in my life. Granted, I know God is bigger than a feeling. Feelings change and God remains the same, but I can’t help but miss that “feeling” of Him. I know that’s confusing, but I promise this all makes sense to be at midnight!

I miss that all so much. I wonder if God misses how I used to be too? I am growing and changing so much here that there are times when I don’t even know who I am! Life was so different back then, so defining. I had no idea how greatly my life would change. I thought my home would forever be that red brick house in the cull de sac. I knew for sure my parents would live in Oklahoma forever and they would be the same people I’ve always known them to be. That’s how life was supposed to be. Living in Kuwait was the biggest curve ball of my life! I was supposed to be ayouth minister’s wife and live a simple and quiet life. What happened? I’m not really sure. I know God has us here for a reason, but I’m not really sure why. It seems I have been stretched and squeezed so much during my stay here, stretched to the point that I am constantly asking God where he is. Perhaps the reason He has me here is to grow me and teach me how to truly know Him. I really don’t know.

I just miss the days when I knew life. When I knew who my parents where and when P was my baby sister. Yes, I know life changes. I know all that, but I guess as I contemplate just what in the hell I’m doing here, I can’t help but wonder about everything. I can’t help but feel that somewhere along the way, my family has gotten lost in the desert. Sometimes, as we pray over our dinner I just want to say, “Why are we even praying?” God doesn’t want us to pray because “that’s what you do when you’re about to eat.” He would rather us just not even say anything at all than just go through the motions. I know that sounds so terrible, but it’s just like I feel like they’ve forgotten God. I know it is not my place to judge, my family is so great, and they are wonderful people, but I always feel things have become so ritualistic and insincere. I even feel that about Will sometimes. I told Will I feel that way and he got upset with me. I guess my thoughts are one of those things one should never really verbalize, but I couldn’t help it. I just think about the powerful things God did through Will in the past and it makes me sad.

I know all of these things must are probably making your heads spin. I’m just reeling and crying and need a place to lay everything out. Things that have been tucked inside my heart for a while now.  I wish I had a phone line to God 24 hours a day. Now, if you’re a Christian and reading this you all know the church answer, “The Holy Spirit is your phone line to God.” Yeah yeah, I know all that. I mean, I really wish I had a real, physical phone I could dial up 555-5555- do you guys know the area code to Heaven? Hmmm…

Anyway, I wish I could dial up Heaven and have good old Michael answer the phone and put me right into God and I could know what I’m doing and why things are the way they are and why we’re supposed to be here, and why- even thought we’re supposed to be here- all I can think about is how I can get away from here. I know all the Sunday school answers to these questions, and I could give you 10 stories from the Bible to answer these questions, but I can’t help but want to really hear the voice of God say, “Well Little Sister, let me tell you why things are the way they are…” and then go into just why everything has turned out this way. I know God wants me to trust in Him, I know all that, but I can’t help but wonder what he thinks of this whole “mess;” I know it’s no mess to him, it’s all apart of his master plan, but considering I can’t see into the future as He can, things just seem so confusing.

I just miss the way I used to know people. I feel like we’ve become the Israelites, wandering the desert. Being a Christian over here is so hard, which adds to all this madness.

Tonight’s firework show was for me. If you all are people who don’t believe God can do that, you just think I’m crazy- though you probably thought I was crazy long before you got to this sentence. However, for those of you who do believe God takes care of his children, you know I’m not crazy. Although my mind is all busy and jumbled, my heart has a peace. A peace that brings me to tears, though I’m not really sure why. I don’t even know what this “peace” is. Is that what the bible meant about “peace that surpasses all understanding?” maybe. I have this peace and I know that God is going to take care of us, and I know He has a plan. I know he comes to give us a hope and a future, but it is so easy to lose sight of that sometimes and focus on the “why” of how things are unfolding. I do that all the time. I only wish I could stop this moment and hold on to this peace. I know tomorrow will be full of it’s many worries and wonderings, but I hope I will be able to pray for that peace and be reminded that everything is going to be okay because God is going to take care of us.

There is so very much more I want to say, but I’ve already said too much. Most of all this is pms supra emotional type talk, but some of it is my deep heart. I do miss who we once were, but I trust that God will continue to mold my life and this whole life experience into the people He wants us to be, which is what I really want.

I’ll simply close saying I feel a little bare and embarrassed for writing all this for you to read. I know when I wake in the morning I will be mortified that I shared all this and will hide it right away. So, please be kind and respect my beliefs and opinions and I try to do each time I read someone’s post. This is my blog and I’m free to say whatever I want. If you think I’m insane, well, just quietly exit my blog and know I’m allowed to express myself just as you are on your blog.

I have grown up so much this year and I’m thankful for that. I love Will so much more this year and I’m thankful for that. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be most thankful for that. Especially for the day when God calls us home. So, “thank you God for showing yourself. You are uninhibited. I know I sound like a crazy person (that’s largely due to AF), but I do trust you. The fireworks were great.”

Have a wonderful weekend. I hope you all make it to your town’s fireworks show on the 4th. When you see the pink ones, think of me.

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