Because I feel I’m among friends, I will start with a paranoia I’ve been having all afternoon.

Girls, I think my feet smell.

What is worse than that!?

I have been so worried all day long and trying to take big whiffs of air to make sure I’m in the clear.

See, I’m wearing ballet flats without socks. That isn’t typically a problem for me, except it miraculously rained here today (which is very odd for this time of year!) and my shoes got all wet and sloshy and so now I know, I just know I’m steaming off something bad.

I mean lethal bad.

I think my nose is used to the smell. “Please God, let everyone else’s’ nose be immune too.”

Okay, that is my paranoia. I had to get it out because I’ve been worried all afternoon and I can’t call “Ethel” to tell her about it because everyone will then know it’s ME emanating the scent that made their flowers die and fruit spoil.

The Horror! The Horror!

Okay, sorry. I will now move on- that is if you will still read this post after I announced the worst thing ever!

Actually…

Let’s camp out here.

I hate feet. In fact I hate them so much I don’t even like to say that word. I can say it once or twice and not want to throw up, but for the sake of this post I just can’t keep saying, “feet” without getting sick. In fact, I just threw up a little.

Let’s call them fairies.

(Too funny, you’d think I was talking about nether regions or something. Nope! Just feet.)

I am not a fairy person at all. I never have been. Only recently have I gotten a lot more comfortable with the idea of fairies.

This is largely due to the fact that when I had my fairy surgery they were constantly fondled and stroked and rubbed and ever sexual word you can think of and twist to make seem miserable.

That’s right. If I wasn’t okay with fairies before, I had to have a quick come to Jesus meeting last spring because my fairies were on debut for the world to see!

If having my family know about my fairy problems wasn’t bad enough, Will’s sweet mom- totally meaning well- told the whole freaking world about my fairies. I had no choice but to come to grips with them! I think the turning point was the February family get together, full of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins where I was kindly asked every intimate detail about my fairy surgery and on top of that, “Show us your fairies!” Um, can I die now please? Oh that AND the whole month I was on her Sunday school prayer list. I mean, I so know the sweet woman loves me and genuinely wanted prayer for me, but my view of fairies is comparable with being stripped naked and standing in front of her whole class.

Yeah.

About the same thing.

Anyway, I’m more open to touching Will’s fairies and letting him touch mine. Oh my gosh- how sick did THAT just sound!!? Sorry. Maybe I should have used the real “f” word in this instance instead of fairies to avoid any miscommunications and random google searches when my blog comes up under hot sex or something.

Before, I would totally freak out if someone wanted to touch my fairies or wanted me to touch theirs- not that I get a lot of requests for me to touch people’s fairies, but you know what I’m saying…

I remember one time I was on a mission trip in Romania and at the end of our whole trip we went down to the river and were supposed to wash each other’s fairies, just like Jesus did with his disciples. I totally freaked out.

“Are you there, God? It’s me, Brittny. Hi. Look. I know you did this whole washing fairies thing and all and wanted us to follow your example, but can you make an exception on me? You understand, don’t you?”

Okay, I didn’t really say that, and I totally washed my team’s fairies and it was a really awesome experience, but trust me, I was freaking out inside.

The scary second toes longer than the big toes,

the hairy tops,

the corn infested bottoms… it was hard to “Let Go and Let God” that night, let me tell ya.

Luckily I’ve grown up a little since then. I can handle Will’s clean fairies now and it’s not a big deal. In fact, if he wanted to touch mine I might get grossed out and wince a little at first but then be totally fine soon after. It’s pretty bad when you don’t even want to touch fairies with your best friend!! Sorry Will, nothing personal. Anyway, I’ve made great strides this year and am not ashamed to say I’m becoming okay with fairies!

In fact, I should hug a podiatrist today.

So anyway, I give you that whole stupid drawn out fairy conversation because I’m a little nervous about my wet shoes and the smell they are producing. Sorry girls.Thank goodness the day is soon over. For me and for everyone else!

I don’t know if I am able to talk about anything else now that I just said all that. Am I? Can I seriously justify a real conversation after all that nonsense? I just don’t know!

No… I think the answer is no on this one. You can send the hallelujah chorus in right…

About…

NOW!