I posted a few new pics on my Flickr bar. The pups got their summer shaved looks a few weeks ago. They’re not as cute, but I think they’re happier. I also got my hair “sliced (whatever that means).” I got a few brown streaks added. I used to think it looked silly, but well, I guess I don’t anymore. Ha ha, at least I hope I don’t because I just did it! I think I was inspired by Jenny’s new beautiful brown. I love it, Jenny! I’m too afraid to go all the way, so I thought this would be a fun little change.
That’s not the reason why I’m posting, though. I’ve been trying to formulate today’s post into coherent words, and well, I just can’t seem to. Everything gets jumbled in my mind and nothing makes sense. Nonetheless, I feel this immense burden to get my thoughts off my chest.
Today is definitely not a typical “B-Love post.” If you’re in the mood for a light-hearted Friday post, you definitely came to the wrong place. Hey- at least I warned you, right? I’ll be up front and say there may be a million and five typos in today’s post and you might walk away saying, “What the crap did she just write!?!” Today’s post is mostly because I just need to get my thoughts out, like I said earlier.
We’re told to lie here in Kuwait. For example, you never volunteer you’re from America. Even a lot of “good” Muslims here don’t like where we come from and what we’re doing. If I had to guess, I would say the vast majority of people living in the Middle East have an unfavorable view of America. So, we never walk around telling people where we’re from. Yes, that means poor Will can’t wear his OU gear out in public.
He hates it too.
That part of my time here doesn’t bother me. However, guys, I did something Wednesday night that I’m so very ashamed of. Something that brought me to the ground in pain. Something you’ll be disappointed about. I don’t know why I’m even about to tell you all this. Maybe just because I need to get it all out somewhere.
I flat out denied that I was a Christian Wednesday night.
Yep, you all can click off my post and think I’m the worst person in the world and hate me now. I wouldn’t blame you.
Thankfully, however, although I answer to a jealous God, I also answer to a forgiving God. So, if you’re still reading- let’s move on.
My whole life I knew that if ever confronted with a situation like that I would without a doubt stand for Christ and say, “You’re freaking darn right I’m a Christian!!!!!” however, when the time came, I caved in self-doubt and fear. Let me tell you about it.
I was working out at the gym Wednesday night. This lady kept staring at me the entire time, quite honestly making me feel very uneasy and comfortable. I got the feeling she was, for lack of better words, a “bad lady.” I can’t convey it all to you, and frankly, that’s not the point of this post. I just know I got the feeling she wasn’t out to be my friend by any means. She called me over towards the end of my work out, and like a freaking idiot moron I came over.
She began by asking me about the gym equipment, and I answered. Then, the harassment started.
“Where are you from? You American?”
I then lie.
She begins to stare me up and down with her darting and cold brown eyes.
“You married?”
I answer yes. She then asks me about my age.
I answer, but at this point I’m getting annoyed. I can tell she’s hunting for something. I’ve lived here long enough to know what she’s thinking, and I know it’s not good.
So, then it happens.
“Are you Christian?”
Guys, I froze. Like Simon Peter, I froze. Ha- I’m by no means “The Rock,” Peter, but at that moment I wondered if he felt the way I did at that moment so many years ago.
“What?” I asked.
“Christian- you Christian?”
I just sort of looked at her and flat out said, “No.”
Hanging my head in shame.
She looked at me harder, as if she wanted to reach inside of me and know the truth. She asked again, “You’re not Christian?”
I answered the same as before.
“Why do you need to know, I asked. What are you?”
She wouldn’t answer. She asked me one last time, “You Christian?”
Finally, I was angry. Angry with myself for what I had said. Angry that I became what I hated. Angry at this lady. I knew her. I knew what she was thinking. It made me angry. I thought back to the verse in the Bible that talks about denying Christ. I felt the Lord on my heart, pressing. Pressing.
“YES! Yes, I am a Christian.” I finally said. I said it with anger and annoyance in my voice. I was ready for the whole conversation to end.
“What kind? Cath-o-lic, Protestant, Born Again?”
I’m getting madder by the minute. “Why do you need to know?” I keep asking. She won’t answer, she just keeps saying the same thing over and over.
Finally I said, “I don’t understand why you need to know this information. It was nice meeting you.” I left. I didn’t even finish my work-out.
I went home, feeling like crap the whole way. “Did I really just do what I think I did?” I thought to myself. I knew I needed to talk to God, the person I sat there and denied, but the thought of it made my stomach sick. I’d rather hide away in denial, thank you very much.
I called Will. I needed to talk to someone. I started telling him my story and then the tears came. The fact that I was having snot issues this week didn’t help either.
Will and I talked a while as he drove home. He told me he knew why I did it, but obviously God doesn’t care about that. We answer to a higher calling than our fears. I already knew that. We talked about Cassie Bernall, the girl that was killed at Columbine for saying she was a Christian. Ha, granted my situation wasn’t even close to that, but it made me wonder. If I couldn’t hang with the big dogs in the situation I just faced, how in the world could I ever expect to be a “Cassie” if I was ever forced to be in such a situation?
Will ultimately said what I already knew, “Why are you talking to me about this? You know who you need to be talking to.”
I felt so ashamed. God has done so much for me. He takes care of me in ways I don’t even realize. His love and care is always with me, and that’s how I treat Him when the chance arrives for me to take a stand? Pretty ungrateful if you ask me. All I could say was, “I’m so sorry.” That was about all I could get out in between snot bubbles and dogs nipping at my feet. The embarrassment of going to God with what had happened was overwhelming. As a Christian that has grown up in church all her life, surrendered to ministering to others, and knowing all the Sunday school answers- I sure flopped. I’m pretty sure even people young in their faith would have fared better with the lady than I did.
Want to know the worst part of all? I specifically prayed that morning that I would have an opportunity to be a light that day.
Was that my chance?
Did I miss it?
Surely God wouldn’t have placed Psycho Woman in my path, right? He would have given me a nice, sweet lady to be a witness to, right?
I’m not so sure. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for protection. I prayed that if Psycho Woman was in fact the opportunity I had prayed for, that I would have the opportunity again. I prayed I would be bold and courageous.
I still felt like crap.
In fact, I still feel lousy. Will and I talked about it yesterday. He said I haven’t “laid it down.” That I’m “wallowing.” That I’m still holding on to it. I know he’s right. I guess the thing that bothers me is- what a freaking character check, you know? What’s inside of Brittny? I’m not really sure anymore! I thought I knew. I thought for certain that when I was squeezed good things would come out, but now I don’t know. That makes my heart hurt. I’ve always been the person that knows all the answers, and now I feel so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t even answer the most basic one.
Maybe you’re reading and thinking this is all silly and isn’t a big deal, but it’s a big deal to me. I’ve devoted my whole life to loving God, and to turn around and do what I did? It’s shameful.
So now I’m not sure where to go. I still feel this huge “something” on my heart right now. I don’t know what it is, but it’s heavy! It feels like “yuck.” ha ha- whatever that is, right? I just feel sick about the whole thing. I want to honor God. I really do. I hope that “something” goes away. Maybe it’s the fact that I just can’t seem to let go of it, just like Will said. That confessing my guilt, accepting the grace I preach about all the time seems too easy and not “good enough” for something that seems so big to me. Or, maybe God still has more to deal with me about. I don’t know. I’m just ready to stop feeling the way I do.
I hope you’re not too ashamed with me. Believe me- I’ve beaten myself up enough. So, that’s the story. I just needed to write. I want so badly to live my life for Christ. To show people that don’t believe in Him that there’s more to life. That it’s not about rules and regulations. It’s about freedom. It’s not about looking at the “hypocrites” but instead looking at Jesus. That you can still live a fun life. That’s what I want. I just wish my heart would stop hurting.
Oh sweetie! You feel that way because the Holy Spirit is tugging at your heart to KEEP talking to God. Yes, He has FORGIVEN you, but you HAVE NOT accepted yorself as forgiven yet and the Holy Spirit is going to keep at you until you accept that grace that God is trying to give you. Accept it Brittny. It’s what He wants you to do. I always say the same thing as you did....that I would stand for God, that I would proclaim myself christian to anyone and everyone. It is always a fight between the flesh and the spirit. It’s always satan tugging at you, trying to pull you away. It doesn’t make you a terrible terrible person....it makes you a struggling christian like so many of us. Learn from it and accept His grace. *HUGS*