A few weeks ago my ego suffered some trauma.

I’ve been anxious to post about the traumatic event, and time has finally allowed me the opportunity (ie: I’m way too lazy making an effort to breathe. Therefore the thought of Photoshopping my work badge out of the picture gave me an ice cream headache).

Will and I got to meet Drew Brees and Donnie Edwards, two very talented (and cute) NFL football players. Will was so excited the whole morning as we prepared to meet “the guys (yeah- I talk like we’re real life friends and swap low-carb recipes).” He even ordered an offical NFL football and had it sent here so he would be all ready for “the guys” to sign when we finally exchanged greetings.

We arrived, all smiley and ready to meet the guests of honor. Then we stood in line.

And stood

And stood

And stood some more

And I complained for a while

While standing

And then I told Will I had to go to the bathroom

No, Will, REALLY have to go to the bathroom

To which he said under no circumstance I was able to get out of line

Not even if God Himself told me too

But then he retracted and said ONLY if God Himself told me too.

Standing… Standing… Standing…

FINALLY we were next in line.

I told Will I was kind of nervous, to which he replied, “You’re weird.” I told him I had to know exactly how things would go down so I didn’t look or do something stupid. He finally realized I wasn’t kidding and that I actually was nervous and wanted to make sure I knew to hand Drew the ball with my right hand and shake with my left, or high five Donnie Edwards and tell him he totally rocks on the Chiefs instead of messing up and saying the Cowboys or something else offensive (like THE BEARS! ha ha, love you Mrs. BFW!).

We went over what I would do a couple times, and I felt pretty confident I couldn’t flub anything up. I would hand Drew the football while Will would shake Donnie Edward’s hand, and give him the poster to sign. We’d then switch.

Easy, right?

Right.

It was finally our turn. As Will and I were heading onstage to meet the guys, I ran into an old coworker- a photographer. He was taking pictures of the event and insisted he get a picture of Will and I with “the guys.”

But… but that wasn’t in the plan! I was thrown off.

We approached “the guys” and it went down like this:

I smile, hand Drew the football, Will does his thing, etc. Everything was perfect and smooth. I even confidently told them how Will specially ordered his football for their arrival. We even made small talk about Oklahoma. Everything was perfect. We were all going to be life long friends and their wives and I would go shopping while Will and the guys played flag football every Saturday. I could picture it all…

and then it happened.

A gargantuan horse fly started buzzing around. Flying, flying flying… And out of all the freaking places to land, all the places in the whole entire freaking world- ALL OF THEM!!- it lands on my lips.

I then flail it away, making annoying spitting sounds with my lips to ensure no fly remnants remained on my lips.

“Dude that fly almost went it your-”

“Say Superbowl!” The photographer exclaims.

We then smile as if no-man-eating fly ever attempted to swallow my face, take the picture, and then it starts again.

“Dude! That fly almost went in your mouth!” Donnie Edwards says.

“Yeah” I say, “What’s up with that!?” Sigh. There’s no way to pull the whole event off. Really, what was I supposed to say when I was getting clowned by Donnie Edwards?- “Maybe if you played as good as you talked the Chargers wouldn’t have gotten rid of you!”

“I guess that happens in the desert though, huh? Those crazy flies,” Donnie Edwards says- as if he really wants to drive it home that I had an embarrassing moment in front of him and Drew.

“Yep. Sometimes....” I say- gritting my teeth and smiling and dying to leave the premises. Did I mention a million soldiers were watching as this all went down?

“Drew! That fly almost went in her mouth!”

“I know, man,” Drew replies. I finally grab Will’s arm and yank him off stage.

Seriously- it was just a fly! Perhaps one the size of Drew Brees’ head- but IT WAS JUST A FLY!  Why did it have to be that big of a deal!?!

Who would have thought something as simply as shaking hands and getting an autograph would become such an ordeal!?

In fact- I think I should go to a Chiefs game and heckle him like he heckled me! “Hey Don Don! Duuuude! That ball totally went through your hands!”

Just a thought.

Anyhow, I’ve attached the infamous picture. You’d never know how embarrassed I was, or that Donnie Edwards totally went on and on about the fly that almost when in my mouth. Well, except for the bright red face.

Yet another reason to hate football.