Because I'm Terrible at Scrapbooks
Sooner Nation

Part One (?)

After days of talks, weeks of misery, and months of frustration Will and I decided he will not renew his contract this coming May.

I’m sorry- do you need me to pick you up off the floor?

Wave a Snickers Bar under you nose to jolt you back to reality?

I don’t know how to properly begin this post because there are times in which I think I will be writing similar “life altering” posts like this one in the near future, so I don’t really know what to say aside from I feel sort of all over the place.

So up and down.

Like I just ate a bunch of Texas-Sized chili cheese fries and got on the Titan rollercoaster at Six Flags.

I feel good that I can honor Will and support him by “allowing” him not to renew. At the same time it’s got me stressed about the future too.

Are we going?

Are we staying?

What’s going to happen next?

I would hate it if we moved.

I would love it if we moved.

Like I said- all freaking over the place.

I think it’s pretty obvious that since he’s quit, staying in Kuwait is not going to remain a long-term goal any longer (unless of course something really good comes available in Kuwait outside of where I am working now).

Guys, want some insight to my heart?

I honestly have no idea how I feel.

There are times when I miss America and the regular everyday life we don’t have here, but there are so many things I love about the situation we’re in right here, right now in Kuwait.

Back in 2005, when we first moved here, I had a hard time adjusting to things here. Soon after arriving, I compiled a 10 page list of things I missed about home- a list I still have. I pulled it out the other day and it made me realize that I really do miss home. Whenever I read it I can’t get through it without tears. However, I could easily write the same list about things I love and would miss about life in Kuwait.

I feel so confused and torn. Kind of like Sabrina. Do you remember that movie? That’s where I got my first kiss- at Sabrina. Anyway, Sabrina was forced to choose between two men- both of which were great. What a predicament right? I guess I can empathize with Sabrina on some level. I know no matter where we are we’ll find happiness, but at the same time my heart hurts to think about change.

Change.

That is a hard thing for me to deal with at times. I guess it’s the reality of change. I’ve known all along Kuwait was a temporary trip, not our home. I knew that when we first got here- but I had no idea how attached I would become to my life here. Oh Sabrina- why can’t you help me!?

I am trusting God so much to reveal his plans for me. I have been looking for jobs in the States and my prayer is that if we’re supposed to move home than he will work out the details. I may apply to a job or two in Kuwait, but I’m primarily focusing on jobs back home right now. We had only planned to stay 3 years all along, but during our stay we got comfortable and lost sight of that plan. In my heart I wonder if the Lord is creating these waves of change and our restlessness because he knows we’ll just sit here and stay for 3more years if He doesn’t move us some way.

We told my parents and that was hard. They’ve been really supportive so that’s good. It’s just sad because we all know now that the clock is ticking on our time here. I don’t like to think about all that stuff just yet since I’m sort of putting the cart before the horse already, but it does seem as though God might be moving us home sooner than we were ready. Although- are you ever really ready for such big changes??

So that’s my big news. Well sort of big news. We’re still here and unsure about where God may take us right now. Just keep us in your prayers and I will definitely keep you guys updated on where we’re headed whether it’s Timbuktu or Tulsa! Ha ha

<3

Sit Tight

Changes are brewing for the B-Love Family. Keep us in your prayers.

More to come…

home sweet home

Alone I sit at the computer.

I just scarfed down my second bowl of Kashi (note to self- it’s not considered South Beach Friendly if you eat enough to feed a boy’s choir) and am listening to the night’s prayer call.

I prefer not to eat alone, and I prefer not to eat in front of this box, but I thought you would be more company than listening to the TV blare, so here I am.

Current listen?

Sia: Breathe Me.

I’m currently downloading a wealth of new songs. My sister keeps me cool. She emails me all the songs I HAVE to have, so I download them and she is usually right- it’s mostly good stuff.

So anyway, now that we agree you have to know all these stupid and pointless facts, I’ll move on.

This weekend was definitely an “I want to go home” one. I don’t particularly know why. Okay, maybe I do. Do you have time to listen? I don’t.

Anyway, since we established the fact that I’m feeling a little homesick I’ll fast forward to today. I got a little hangy air freshener to put in the company car. It is a yankee one. I love those things. It is called Home Sweet Home, and honestly, if it hadn’t been named that, that’s what I would have said it reminded me of.

Was I torturing myself with this air freshener or what!?

In fact, I’m such a loser that I brought the wrapper upstairs with me so that I could remember the smell.

We learned in interpersonal communication (and an old spice commercial!) that scent is the strongest link to our memory. I believe it. I opened the air freshner about 5 minutes from my apartment and I was distracted by a flood of memories. So many memories all at the same time that I couldn’t even sort them through.

I thought about my parent’s house back home. It smelled like that. My mom loved spicy and cinnamony candles and would light them all the time. It reminded me of that house, and my heart hurt because after moving around my whole entire life, that was the house that anchored me and now someone else lives there. That is a post in itself but I think that might be one I never post publicly because it would drag on forever and make me cry.

It also reminded me of Christmas. If it hadn’t been called Home Sweet Home it should have been called Christmas. It reminded me of all the candles my mom would burn and all the cooking she would do and those scented big pine cones and a million other christmasy things. Gosh I want to go on but I vowed not to stay on here all night- and what am I doing!?

It reminded me of Sarah C’s house too. I had a lot of fun growing up there. I wonder how she is doing. I hope well. The last time I saw her was, gosh… I am thinking.. it had to have been Christmas break before we moved over here. We met at Atlanta Bread for lunch. That was the last time we talked. I know she is doing great. I know it.

It also reminded me of apple cider and freezing our butts off at high school games and OU games.

I was just shocked at all the things that were overtaking me. I just wanted to be home so bad.

I waver a lot about what we should do but I’ve just been homesick the last few days. I’m just tired of fighting for what is right and seeing everything bad win. I know that happens back home too, but I have to believe it is not near the magnitude that it is here. Someone said something that is sadly true about our company, “All the good people leave because they get tired of trying to fight the system.” It’s so true.

Will and I just want to work and go home but I’m afraid the first part may not be a viable option for us for much longer. I don’t know that for sure. I mean ask me tomorrow when I’m having a , “I can make it here” day and it might be totally different.

Anyway, so here I sit by myself.

I hate that.

Especially on I miss home days.

On top of that I’m tired and I just want to go to sleep.

Will is in charge of an april fool’s day run they’re having tonight so he won’t be home until late. I guess him being gone gives me time to get some stuff done, but I doubt I will. I figure I will take a shower, get ready for bed. iron tomorrow’s stuff (If I’m lucky!) and go to bed. Or at least make an attempt to. Days like today make me wish he were here to go to bed with me. Sigh.

I think a lot of it is that my emotions are heightened thanks to nature… do I need to say any more or give you a definition of nature!? I sure hope not. Thanks Brittny! We will all set our clocks to you. You’re a sunday start you say? OKAY!

Anyway, I’m just tender an tired and miss home today.

Yesterday.

Tomorrow.

Probably the day after too.

I wish I knew the right thing. There are days when I think, “I don’t even know if I’m going to make it to tomorrow let alone August!” and then there are other days I think, “If we take a nice long vacation this fall I think I can make it until next May, but I’m not sure how much more after that.”

I am like a big rickety teeter totter.  If I’m honest haven’t prayed enough about it. I’ve prayed so quickly the last couple of weeks that I know I’ve missed out on some wonderful time with God. I need to listen more this week.

So anyway, I’m writing now, debating whether I will make this public or private.

Public or private?

My heart says, “Brittny! Make it private!”

I know I should.

I think I’ll make it public because I feel like being a jerk. ha ha. Totally kidding. I’m sorry for the downer post. You know I’m not like this a lot. I am just tired of things and am missing home and am bombarded with a lot of warm memories from home.

See- I’m kiling myself over here! I’m smelling the stupid wrapper this very second. What a dork. Yeah, THAT’S good therapy! smile

Okay, private.

Public.

Private

Public…

Should I toss a coin?

I hate writing down posts like this and then posting it for you guys who have your own problems, to read… but then again if you really want to know me I guess you should know all of me and know I am feeling homesick. Like the homsick where you heart feels like its constantly inhaling and can’t exhale. Like you can’t breathe for fear that if you do, that if you breathe out you will show yourself and all the tears and worries and everything else and they won’t be able to stop and you will just be left there the way you were before but in worse shape because you will be snoting on yourself and your eyes will be all puffy.  That sort of homesick. I would just prefer to inhale. I don’t know if I’m ready for the exhale part quite yet.

So, I guess I will apologize for being such a jerk for posting this on your guys’ weekend when all is perfect and “yes (E.E. Cummings).”

Thanks for reading if you did! Sorry to be a downer. I think I need to sleep, get through this week and get an answer from God! It sounds so easy when I say it like that.

Until then I’ll just shut the computer down for now and take my goofy little wrapper and reminisce of home

springing into the future

Dozens of soldiers, clad in flip-flops and shorts stroll the camp, fully enjoying the beauty that is today.

As I walked by the pool, every chair was filled with a bronzed body.

The breeze brought the smell of coconut tanning oil, filling my nose with fun memories of my puppy dog days, when life was much simpler.

Beach balls are being tossed about the water and a rowdy game of flag football is underway on the big field.

Spring is here in Kuwait, and things are alive.

And yes, I know it is not technically spring yet… but work with me.

The spring is notorious for bringing change- just look at how many pregnant women are typing on the nest right now! smile - and I feel that this spring, just like every other, will bring the waves of change to my life as well.

My heart aches for these changes because I’m not sure I’m ready. I thought my growing pains were over, but I fear in many ways they are just beginning.

Gasp, that’s right, yet ANOTHER downer post from me. I’M SORRY! I’ll get it right soon, I promise! Besides, I think this will be my last “life” post for a while. I’ll go back to normal after this one. I just wanted to give ya’ll an update.

Friday night Will and I agreed that he would go ahead and re-sign his contract, committing him to another year here. We then decided that come August, when my contract is up, if we are still unhappy, I won’t renew mine and Will will give a 30 days notice and we’ll come home. That gives us 5 months to really think about what we want to do. We thought that was the right decision to make right now. That way it gives us more time to think about things, though I think we both know in our heart of hearts what we are going to do…

As I sought God this morning, really asking Him just to reveal Himself to me regarding this matter, I was reading Proverbs 30 and saw something that really humbled me and has resonated in my mind all day. I wish I had my Bible with me here at work so I could share it with you (just read Proverbs 30- it’s a short chapter!), but it was this man, Agar I think ( I could be TOTALLY wrong, sorry!) and he was asking God not to make him too poor, so that he wouldn’t resort to stealing, but not to make him too rich so that he would forsake the Lord. He simply asked God for just enough. He knew that having all he needed was, well, all he needed.

I could give you a long drawn out analysis of what is going through my mind, but I think you know that this verse gives me a lot to think about. I know it’s not wrong to have nice things and have a good life, but what is enough? Have I lost sight of what I truly need here in this life? I don’t think there is anything wrong with the financial goal Will and I have set before us while we’re here, but the truth is, “God? Are you trying to tell me this labor is all in vain and we simply need to come home and live a ‘normal’ life with ‘normal’ jobs and that we should be content with having what we need?” I“m not sure.

It’s so ironic because one of my sweet friends emailed me something similar this past week and it really got me thinking, so this was just more for me to process.

So many things to think about in the coming weeks… are we going? are we staying?

Lots to ponder.

We work in a place where a lot of questionable things (not illegal, but things that make you think, “If this was a company in the states that so would have never happened this way.”) occur and everyone is miserable but, “Hey! At least we’re getting paid!” That’s no way to live, y’know? It’s like the joke at this company.

My thoughtful dad called and asked me out to lunch today. I felt like he had grabbed my heart and slammed it repeatedly on my desk and then gave it back to me. It was nothing he had done, but simply the thought that, “gosh. Can I really live without my parents nearby?” I don’t know. I could talk about that for a long time, but I won’t because I’m sure you can relate in some way or another.

So I will go ahead and close for today. I look forward to not having to post these melancholy updates for a while. So as spring approaches, I look towards the changes. I can’t say I’m ready, but I’m willing to go with God.

Bring on August.

Thanks for listening. A normal post tomorrow- guaranteed. smile Besides, dealing with this stuff is getting on MY nerves so I can imagine what having to read these posts are like! smile

Hope you had a great weekend. I love you girls.  I’m working on my feedback, slowly but surely! I might have the internet back next week!

Thanks for your friendship and support.

Welcome back.

i have a lot on my mind today

blue today.

it pretty much sums up how i’m feeling.

i so need a big fat hug and a whole bunch of genuine girlfriends to surround me with support. i say genuine because i’ve found it very hard to find true and loyal girlfriends that aren’t backstabbing and don’t glory in your defeat. i’m sure some of you can understand. anyway… why did i feel the need to say that?… i don’t know. i guess i’m saying please just listen to me today and be my friend and don’t think i’m crazy for my scattered thoughts.

i had a funny post all written up this morning that i was going to post when i got home, but that was this morning, and a lot has happened since 8:00. it was called “date night with fred and ethel mertz.” see, we were supposed to go out with them tonight because it’s her birthday. gasp. yes, that’s right, we were going to get the men in the same room together. i didn’t even have to drug and blindfold will to go along with it! i have to admit, i was nervous about seeing them interact together after their two little tiffs, but i was still excited about the evening. we haven’t been on a couple date since we’ve gotten here.

i had to cancel today.

i feel like the worst person ever and what makes me feel the worst is that she is the nicest person ever and responded in kindness and totally wanted to make sure will and i were okay. i love “ethel” lots and i let down my only friend in kuwait down on her birthday.

i feel so sad for that.

anyway, i so wish i could tell you all that is going on in my life but i can’t.

maybe soon…

i will say it entails the possibilty of packing up and going home. i know it’s hard to tell you all something that big and not explain why, but i just can’t right now.

i just got off the phone with will. we had a 15 minute phone converstaion about this topic. i hate talking about something this huge and important over the phone. i mean, this is honestly a huge life decision and it doesn’t need to be discussed on the phone.

we are both very emotional about the subject and don’t seem to see eye to eye, which is never a good thing when you are talking about something so massive.

it’s so funny because we totally flip-flopped our opinions regarding this matter. okay, it’s not funny at all. it’s strange and bothersome because for so long one of us has relied on the other to keep us going and then all of a sudden we totally changed positions regarding the matter. one of us has such a strong conviction about this whole mess that they are talking crazy things! okay, not crazy, but just things that totally surprised the other one.

going home in our first year was never ever an option. never. no matter how miserable we were or how terrible people were, we were going to tough it out. i mean, it’s no secret i hate my job, but i am resoved to be a finisher. 4 years is our long term goal, though i am positive that regardless of what we decide it isn’t anymore.

we have to have a decision by the end of this weekend.

no pressure or anything.

ha.

i don’t want to make the wrong decision and honestly God is no where to be found when i pray about this. i know He is, but i just can’t seem to “find” Him when it comes to what we’re supposed to do. i mean “hello!!! this is a huge life altering decision and i would some input from You!” He already knows that. maybe i’m trying to rush Him. His timing is much different than mine.

i just don’t know what to do and i so wish i could talk to someone. i don’t want my parents to know this stuff yet (ha okay- i’m writing for hundreds of people to read, one of them being a good family friend and i say i don’t want them to find out that we’re thinking these crazy thoughts… hmm...), so i can’t talk to them about it. besides, we could totally decide “dang it! we’re freaking staying 4 years!” this weekend and telling them something now when we ended up decided to go ahead and say is unnecessary.

i need so badly to pour my heart out and say all the things that i’m thinking but i simply can’t right now and that is the absolute worst. in fact, i probably said too much with the thoughts of leaving stuf.

on top of that we got some bad news about will’s dad. that was the kicker. will is so down today.

his dad is his hero.

i have only seen him cry twice the entire time we’ve been together and one of the times was this past fall when he was missing his dad. he loves that guy and so do i. i won’t go into details, because honestly, we don’t know a lot, but i know that is another mountain of yuck that has been added to our stress pile. keep will and his dad in your prayers. they have a special relationship.

i’m worried about will. i know that really made him sad. the worst thing is that on top of that stress we seriously need to come to a decision about what we’re going to do with the “other situation” and instead of just being there for him, i forsee us both getting upset because we don’t agree on what needs to be done. i told him i would really rather talk about all that stuff tomorrow and tonight just be together and hold each other. he, however, want’s to talk about it.

amazing! i can’ never get the guy to talk about feelings and junk and all of a sudden he turns into a woman. go figure.

my heart feels so heavy and burdened. i’m not the strong one, will is, and all of a sudden i have to be strong for so many reasons.

i feel so tiny, hence lowercase today. i’ve felt like that for a long time but today has magnified everything. i just feel like i’m floating in the middle of the ocean uncertain of everything.

part of me just wants to log off the computer and watch crappy usa high reruns on tv until will gets home

another side of me wants to cry my eyes out so i’m better by the time he gets home

that is one thing that i admittedly hate about living here. besides my family i don’t have that “one friend“ to go to. you know what i’m talking about. a girl has to have one of those and i don’t. today i need one!

sorry for being so ambiguous. i just need to sort things out today and since i don’t have anyone to vent to (besides my family and ethel, whose birthday is today which means it would be easier and faster for me to set her gift on fire rather than ruining the day by venting) i vent to my blog.

this is my blog and i can say whatever the crap i want, therefore i assume by now you’ve all dropped out of reading so i can continue to write all i want just to keep myself together and not have to think that once again my life could be uprooted and totally change in the blink of an eye.

i don’t want to think about that yet.

wow, this is turning into a pity party. i just reread my post and thought, “i sound terribly pitiful and desperate and ‘poor me.’“ i have so many awesome things in my life and i am full of joy for so many things, and i think you guys have known me long enough to know i have an overall cheerful disposition, so don’t think i’m a weirdo for posting all this stuff. it just comes down to the fact that this was going to be home for a long time and all of a sudden it might not be and my mind is racing.

i should also say that all of this is due to our own personal feelings. no one has said, “you have to make a decision whether or not you’re staying or going.“ it’s nothing like that at all. this is all us, though we do have to have a decision that soon for another reason.

boy i didn’t forsee my day turning out like this! i thought at this time the mertz family and the wb family would be slapping our legs in laughter and telling old college stories over johnny carino’s.

such is life huh?

i guess i have good news. i got my travel check for being with the company for 6 months. that was a nice little bonus today. i guess that is one positive point of the day.

another one is that i decided to become active in selling mary kay again, hence the link. i love their skincare line- especially the moisturizer- so i’m glad i made that move. i’ve been a consultant for a long tiem but haven’t really sold in ages. i took 4 orders this week. that’s more good news. i get to order fun make-up this weekend. i can ship anywhere so if you ever want anything email me!

okay, enough with the sales crap. i’m just trying to get myself out of this “poor me“ rut and realize that God is in control and no matter where we are will and i have eachother and that is key.

okay, i think it’s time to get off for now. sorry for the melodramatic post and “oh poor brittny“ talk because frankly, i annoyed myself with it and i love myself, so i’d hate to think what all of you guys who simply just “like“ me were thinking! smile

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it TONS!
I love you bunches.
Tomorrow is a new day- thank goodness.

I look forward to writing a normal post tomorrow.

*~*When life gives you lemons, cut them up, put them in your iced tea and thank God you’re a southern girl.*~*

sorting my Katrina thoughts

"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and heal their land.”
2 Chronicles 7:14
My mind and heart have been far from Kuwait the last few days.

This may become a strange, blabbering, and confusing post today, but I just need to get it out- so just know I am making sense to myself and I apologize if I make sense to no one else… though it wouldn’t be the first time.

Katrina has made me miss home so much more. I know that may sound totally off the wall, but for some reason, homesickness was one of the emotions I’ve been feeling all the more since the hurricane hit.

I feel so detached from life back in the States. I just feel so far away and not up to date on the things that go on. We have a few news channels here, mostly middle eastern and international, and we have one 24 hour American news network (which isn’t the greatest because it takes show from several different American news channels and a lot of the time they are talk shows like Hardball), but it isn’t the same. For example, the big news over here has been the Iraqi bridge tramplings, with the hurricane also being covered but not extensively like back home.

I guess I’m talking generally in the paragraph above, that is an everyday detachment I feel, but with the news and details of the many things that are ensuing after the hurricane, I feel so lost. Okay, so you may say, “It’s bad. It doesn’t take a genius to know that, and you could be on the most desolate of islands and know this information,“ or “Why would you even want to have your eyes glued to the tv watching more footage of the same tragic things?“ You are right. I just wish I could do more with the knowledge I have. For Will and I all we can do is send money- which is definitely something that is needed, but I wish I could just go and volunteer and do so much more than send a check. I’m sure lots of other people even living back home but in states far away from the mess feel the same way, but I guess I just feel like things are a little more impossible over here.

My heart feels so sad about everything that has taken place this week. I have yet to read a good story of hope, though I have to believe there are some that deal with rescues. I have felt so discouraged with the selfishness of our people, but then i have to stop and wonder if I was poor and had nothing to begin with, and had the few things I had were ripped away from me in a storm, would I be the same way? Would I be the same Brittny if my life was like some of those affected? I don’t really know. Okay, maybe I should clarify. I’m not talking about the terrible things going on like rapes and shooting at helicopters or stealing TVs, but I mean just the basic instinct of chaotic survival that has seemed to consume the thousands of people affected. I just have to thank God that he spared me from this tragedy so I didn’t have to find out.

We were without power a few hours this week, which was a minor inconvenience, but you would have thought hurricane Katrina ripped through our complex with the way some people were complaining. I was so angry with the selfishness of some people. I wanted to bring a New Orleans citizen over here to testify that there are bigger things to worry about than not having power for a night.

As we ate our pizza over candlelight that night we thanked God that we had our family in one piece, knowing our minor electric problem would go away quickly. So many thousands of people are not as fortunate, and I wish I could have had them all over and fed them and given them a place to stay for the night. Visions of grandeur I guess.

I think back to the saying “it takes a villiage to raise a child,” and I firstly wish that were always true, but I also wish it could be applicable to the situation at hand. I wish- and I guess this is me wishing we lived in a perfect world- people would have come together in strength and numbers to be a huge team through all of this. Sadly it seems any bond has fallen apart, as I read in one article that as a woman asked a police officer for some sort of aid he curtly replied, “Go to hell. It’s every man for himself.” That seems to clearly sum up the way many people are responding to what has happened. Is that how it really is there? Is that how things really are with most people? I hope not, but it guess I am left to wonder after the way people are responding.

I am rambling on and on, and rambling has never done much good. It has never made a huge difference.(I believe there is power in words- but not so much in my scatterbrained ramblings). Words can only go so far, and truthfully they don’t go very far when something like this happens. It is actions, not words, that make change. I wish I was able to take more action, but I will do as much as I can over here. I pray others will cease with the verbage and the “I hopes“ and take action too.

Anyway, my prayers, as well as the things I can do are with those affected by the storm. It is hard to see that God has a plan with something like this happens, but He is a perfect God and I know He does.

Thanks for letting me sort that out today, whether it made sense or not, I feel a little better getting it out.

Have a wonderful Friday

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About

brittny I'm B-Love. Lover of God, my husband Will, my doggies, OU football, weight training, plyometrics healthy eating (mostly!), peanut butter, and all things health related. Buckle up and get ready for my constant embarrassing moments, health and fitness tips,and my effort to rely on Christ while living life in the real world. Follow me on Feedly! Sign up for monthly emails at blove@theblovelife.com!


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