When in the world did I become so boring!?!

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Okay. When I say it like that it implies that at some point in time I was a wild child.  A barrel of laughs. A party waiting to happen. And, well, you guys know that’s never been true. Lately, though, I feel like I’ve brought my boringness to an epic level.

Is it possible to become even more of something- to include boring?

I guess so.

I mean, I think Carrot Top has become uglier over the years. Jessica Simpson has become more annoying. Orlando Bloom has become more gorgeous. So yes, one can definitely become more boring.

Perhaps this is all part of the natural progression of life- only they just don’t tell you about it because they don’t want to bum you out. I mean, how would you feel if you really knew the truth?

“Well, Suzy, when you get grow up you’ll go to college, and graduate, and get a great job, and get married, and have babies, and have bills, and a yard to maintain, and a house to clean, and fat to fight, and wrinkles to hide, and nothing to do, and then you die!”

Yeah… it’s probably good they skip over the last part.

Okay- so I’m exaggerating. A lot. Adult life definitely has its perks, we all know that. I mean how many seven year olds can have a Miller Light and Lucky Charms for dinner and then watch MTV until 11:00 (and um who am I kidding? I can’t even remember the last time I was up at 11 on a week night. Oh well, you get my point.)?

However, it does seem as thought since we’ve moved back Will and I have become really boring. Perhaps that is what happens when you’re in your mid to late twenties and live in Oklahoma?

Oklahoma.

Quintessentially the most boring of boring places one can live.

Maybe that’s my problem? The good old Sooner State.

I suppose I can’t blame all my infirmities on my state. I suppose there’s also nothing wrong with being “ok” with a night in (all.the.freaking.time :( ). Ha ha. Being “OK.” No pun intended. I’m hilarious.

I say all this because the other night Will and I were talking about what we wanted to do this weekend. Usually we go to church on Saturday and then go out to eat. I thought it would be fun to go to Bricktown and walk around and have dinner and see where the night took us. I even hinted that maybe he could take me dancing. Will, however, thought it would be more “fun” to go to a Chinese buffet.

Again.

(we did this exact same thing two Saturdays ago. I swear my anthem lately has been NIN’s, “Everyday is Exactly the Same” only I’m wearing different clothes.)

A Chinese freaking buffet.

There’s nothing wrong with that I suppose, but I mean… it’s Saturday night and we’re young and “fun” and carefree and childless. We should save the buffet days for, well, not Saturday nights. Something about a buffet on a Saturday night just screams awful and old and sad. And fat. 

I know- you guys think I’m utterly ridiculous. I probably sound silly. I’m not saying I want night after night of late nights and toilet hugging- I’m not saying that at all- I guess I’ve just got this urge to go have a fun night out.

What do you girls think? Are you in?

Now we just have to find a way to pry our husbands off of the Cashew Chicken and get them on board.

Here’s to a bunch of regular, boring, old married couples having a wild and crazy night on the town!

Don’t worry- I’ll make sure our fun ends at 9:00 on the dot. I know how you like to be in bed early.

It never ceases to amaze me how often I watch Will and I following the patterns and behaviorism of our parents.

For instance, the other day we were talking about how it was taking someone freaking for.ev.er to order at the Taco Bueno drive-thru. I’m making all of these jokes and being goofy and then Will randomly spouts out, “Maybe she hasn’t had much experience with drive-thrus,” all serious and with great thought as if he was concerned about her social well-being.

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I was more just complaining- but okay, if you want to get all serious on me.

“That sounds exactly like your dad!” I said, all creeped out.

Weird.

Or me.

If you irritate or annoy me you better be darn sure I’m going to let you know about it!-

under my breath and while I’m walking away of course.

Ugh! I hate passive aggressive people.

Ding Ding Ding- hello Brittny, welcome to your. life!

Sigh.

Anyway- it’s just funny to me how much we tend to resemble our parents from time to time, and I’m sure it becomes even more surreal after having kids

(Although, after today’s episode of MTV True Life: I’m Pregnant I’m pretty sure Will and I are pretty much on the same page of not having kids for a very long time.).

So I tell you all this because Will and I finally purchased a coffee table last weekend! We had to order it so it wasn’t ready until this weekend. We brought it home last night and decided around 10:30 to begin assembling it.

Oh- and I should probably mention that 10:30 is about our bedtime, so anything after that time can be equated to a drunk person trying to operate heavy machinery or a blind person giving you a perm. We’re simply not at our best after 10:30.

So we Will began working on the coffee table while I stood around offering moral support. The bottom of the table is a rich, dark, bronze-y metal so getting the screws to line up just right and fit the screws was sort of a challenge.

Oh- I guess I should probably show you the table so you know what I’m talking about. How rude of me!

Here’s our new table. Chateau Rustique. I really like it. This picture doesn’t really do it justice. I’ll have to take a picture of the living room for you guys at some point.

Anyway- it’s just so funny to me how long it took Will to put the table together. He is such a perfectionist. One of the screws… nuts?… I have no idea. Screws! Yes- screws.  Anyway, one of those were stripped so Will had a hard time getting it to fit properly into the table. It took for.ev.er. I thought it was fine and perfect but Will, the “handyman” just like his dad, thought it could be better. I thought I was going to go crazy.

So- an hour and a half later my perfect coffee table was finally assembled.

I’m very pleased with our table. I am sort of afraid that it’s too big, but it might just be the fact that we spent a year without a coffee table and now I just need to get used to having one around.

I’ve already started to notice one thing about having this coffee table.

It’s another surface.

Another surface for Will to spread all of his junk atop.

That means more room for stupid crap mail and football magazines and newspapers.

Cringe.

His dad is a big time stacker of crap on surfaces.

Will is the same.

We have this gorgeous desk we bought last year which should really be displayed, only it’s hiding behind piles of Lord knows what.

I blame Will’s dad for this, you know.

My saving grace is that my parents are visiting next week and it will give us a good opportunity to overhaul his piles and organize everything the way it should be.

Let’s just hope it remains that way. Like father, like son I suppose.

Here’s to hoping.

So I mentioned earlier that I thought today was Friday.

For this reason I believe I’m having an off day.

When I wear flats with no socks I spray my feet with deoderant.

Only today I sprayed them with Pantene Pro-V hairspray.

I think that calls for some dry joke about having feet so healthy they shine.

1. I went to DC on Wednesday- for just one night- and have yet to unpack my bag a whole week later.

2. I made brownies last weekend just for the heck of it. I got the amazing and trashy ones and even slathered them in chocolate frosting. Hello fatness!

I made them Friday night and they were gone Sunday night.

Two days.

Two people.

You do the math.

I feel my teeth rotting and my butt growing just confessing that.

3. I’ve eaten more of Will’s birthday cake than he knows, but since I serve it to him he has no idea. Shhh! Geez I’m so fat.

4.(Ha! After sharing all my food fatness confessions) I think I’m going to run a 5k this October. I really want to do it but I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to run 3 straight miles between now and October (um without going into cardiac arrest, that is). I always do the elliptical and never run. I want to do this and challenge myself- and change up my workout- but at the same time I have this fear that I won’t be able to do it. Sigh- okay that was a sad confession! Let’s end on a good one.

5. I washed my hair last Wednesday and put a freaking TON of hairspray in it so I could wear it nice and curled Thursday while I was on my trip without having to wash it.

And I did just that- and wore it Friday too.

And Saturday.

And Sunday.

Yes. I really did do that. Perhaps I can say it’s because I’m “going green?”

Hey- this is about confessions, right?

Need to get something off your chest? 

I locked myself out of the house this afternoon.

But wait- there’s more.

There’s always more.

I keep waiting for a time in which my bad fortune no longer follows me, however that time has yet to come and once again reared its ugly head in the form of a locked door today.

Let’s get started.

Okay. So today is Will’s birthday. Yay for Will’s birthday!

I was determined to make today great.

Which was my first mistake.

I should know by now that if I’m out to make a day great something is lurking around the corner to squash my plans.

Will I ever learn?

Work was really busy all morning and I really needed to work through lunch, however I thought it might be a good idea to run home today, check on the doggies, and grab a quick lunch- which is what I did.

As I finished my lunch I noticed it was raining pouring outside. I thought I better get an umbrella to take with me to avoid the downpour, only I realized my umbrella was in my car- and Will had my car today.

Aha! I remembered I had a random umbrella out in the garage. So- barefoot and all I ran out to the garage (closing the door behind me, of course) and grabbed the umbrella. As I went to enter the house it happened.

The door wouldn’t open.

I then began to feel a little panicky, sick to my stomach and started experincing that yucky upper lip sweat.

I pryed and jolted and yelled (you know- because yelling always unlocks bolted doors) but nothing happened.

I then got the genius idea to use a screwdriver to leverage the door between the frame.

Um, the terrible dig marks in the door frame clearly yell, “That wasn’t a good idea you freaking moron!!!”

Yeah- so don’t do that.

So then I began to get totally irrational and ridiculous. Like a mad woman. “I know, I’ll run and thrust my body against the door to force it open!”

Okay- so I didn’t really do that, but trust me- I was quite irrational nonetheless.

So… what to do, what to do…

I had a pair of nasty old tennis shoes and a pair of tacky black cheap-o flip flops.

Choices, choices.

I lifted the garage, opened my umbrella and started knocking on doors up and down my street.

In the rain.

The pouring rain.

In a pretty white dress.

A pretty white dress.

In tacky black cheap-o flip flops (I figured that went better with my dress… in that trashy sort or, “I like to dress up but have no regard for what I wear on my feet” sort of way).

No one answered.

Why would they? They were al at work- where I needed to be.

Up and down the street. Finally! Someone answered. This woman across the street had just had a baby and was home- thank God for your baby woman! It was if God allowed you to have your kid so you would be home at this exact.moment.in.time.

Okay- so maybe not, but it did feel a little like a divine moment after trudging up and down my neighborhood in the pouring rain, pretty white dress, and tacky flip flops.

Anyway- she was gracious enough to let me in and use the phone. I called Will- who was not in town today (of course!). He told me to call a locksmith and work it out that way.

Oh- and he was annoyed that I managed to lock myself out.

Happy birthday honey!

Anyway, the lady told me that she could just go ahead and take me back to work so that I wouldn’t have to wait for a locksmith and pay for him to come out. I thought it was so nice of her to offer. I have very nice neighbors. I graciously accepted, took my tacky flip flops, got in her car and went back to work.

As we rode back I realized that there were a few bad things I had failed to think through when deciding not to call the locksmith.

1. My purse was in the truck, totally exposed for all the world to see and steal.

Genius Brittny.

Will tells me time after time, “Brittny- bring your purse inside and don’t leave it in the car!” And for once in my life he was so very right (actually, he’s always right about this one...). My freaking locked house was beyond safe at this point. I could most certainly confirm all doors were locked! Sigh…

Then there were the doggies.

The doggies stay in a kennel all day long because you may remember they’re quite naughty and cannot be trusted to roam around the house all alone.

Just recall this post or this one or this one.

Good times.

Anyway- they’re bad doggies and cannot be trusted.

And I had left them in the house.

All alone.

Home alone doggies.

To roam free.

And chew my wood.

And the shoes I was wearing as of 11:30 this morning and should have been wearing as I was riding to work.

I could just imagine what was happening to my house.

What a mistake to leave them out!

Sigh…

Will loved finding that out.

Oh- and I didn’t tell him. I just let him come home and be surprised.

Surprise! Happy birthday!

Anyway… it’s been quite a day.

Will picked me up from work and I felt back because I had to have him drive me to get his cake oh- and I had intended to get his birthday card on the way home too. Opps.

So- there you have it.

There’s probably a ton more I’m leaving our and need to share but Will wants me to watch “Dating in the Dark” tonight because this guy on his favorite sports talk radio was talking about how funny it was.

I think it’s weird.

But hey- it’s his birthday, and I did leave our kids home alone today.

Oh- and locked myself out.

Let’s not forget that one.

Genius. 

Or Agony.

But really- aren’t they one in the same?

Oh- and sorry to all you auditors out that that may read this. I know it’s your job and it’s helpful to us and all that crap- but seriously?- audits suck.

And I’m sure you hear that all the time.

P says I should be glad I’m having a work audit and not a life audit. She says scientologists have life audits or something like that.

Is that true?

I’m pretty sure I would fail a life audit.

It would go something like this:

Have you been diligent to stay below your alloted fat and calorie intake on a daily basis?

(silence)

Have you helped old ladies across the street?

(silence)

Have you read all the Harry Potter books?

(silence)

Have you read any of the Harry Potter books?

(silence)

Have you made sure not to daydream about famous actors such as Orlando Bloom or James Franco?

(silence)

Do you know who the Secretary of Agricultural Relational Studies and Law is? (ha ha)

(silence)

Yeah… pretty sure I would fail a life audit. Although, I thought of a ton of freaking hilarious questions that may have come up during this life audit of mine- only to avoid you guys thinking I’m a total wack-o I kept it mild.

So, there you have it. Getting audited- but thankfully not life audited.

Hope you guys are having a good week!

Fantasy football league sign-ups have started.

It was nice knowing Spring Will.

I like that guy.

I’m in for a very long summer

and fall

and winter.

Good times. 

It’s only Monday and my brain seems to be enjoying its three day weekend early.

I honestly feel like a restless fifth grader during the last week of school. I’m finding it so hard to concentrate and stay on track. All I can think about is swimming this weekend and being lazy and fireworks and fun (um and loads of terrible food- followed by the gym of course… perhaps...).

I think the dog days of summer have hit me hard. Our neighborhood is full of kids and I secretly envy them everyday I get home from my work, clad in my dress clothes and clunky purse. I’m fully convinced our school system sets us up to drag during this time of the year as professional adults. I mean- you get three whole months off your entire life and then all of a sudden- BAM- the no fun zone. The occasional single day off observed on Memorial Day, 4th of July, and Labor Day.

Um- yes, I’m whining- but I secretly think you agree.

Or at least I like to think so.

I’ve been humming, “School’s Out for Summer” all day today- and it’s killing me slowly.

I think I like Monday holidays better than Friday holidays. I think I stay on track better. I have no idea why- so let’s not camp out here.

I have a few pictures to share with you guys I’ll have to post soon, and a short little video of our little Patriot babies! Our groomer always dresses the dogs up in the cutest little bandannas for each season. Right now they’re all red, white, and blue- it’s so cute. I’ve been calling them all sorts of random made up Patriotic names, big long ones that annoy Will. Like, Little Lucy Martha Washington or General Bosworth John Hancock. I’m loving it. Will isn’t. But I secretly think he does.

But I’m probably wrong.

I usually am about those sorts of things.

You would think his annoyance would prompt me to stop- but it only spurs me on. You’re so lucky you don’t live with me. I would most certainly drive you crazy. There are times in which I think Will is on the edge- but I think that’s why God gave me someone so freakishly strong and stubborn. Nothing is going to drive this man crazy, not even me.

So what are you guys doing for the 4th? Are you taking time off this week? Going out of town? Hanging out with lots of friends? Guys- all this talk is making me want to start our weekend of festivities early! Let’s have a potluck at my place this Thursday? Yay for cook outs with friends! Um- only we still don’t have a grill (depressing, I know) and the George Foreman? Frankly. It sucks. I should reserve this frustration for its own post.

However- I will sarcastically say, “Clean up is SO easy!” HA. have you ever tried to clean that thing? You literally need a freaking car sponge followed by a brillo pad, acid, and holy water.

But I digress.

So, perhaps the cookout won’t work as easily at my place-unless you want to load up your grill and come over? If you’re lucky I might even get all wild and crazy on you guys and breakout the sparklers!

I know- I’m out of control!

Sigh… it’s only Monday night and sadly I have several long and busy days ahead of me.

Here’s to happy thoughts of swimming, (finally) getting tan, eating, friends, fun, and freedom.

Happy Short Week!

1. I bought a shirt the other day from The Gap that Will doesn’t know about. In fact- it was only $5 but I still gave it to Rachel to hold until our next gym date. I’m a dork and have no idea why I did that. Perhaps because we’re going through Dave Ramsey’s course and I felt a little guilty? (yes- a freaking $5 shirt. What a crazy.) Anyway- I figured it was a good confession to share.

2. I saw someone I work out at the same gym with at Walmart this afternoon. I secretly LOVE that I ran into someone that works out at the same place I do- especially when I’m having a good hair day and look put together. I.look.beyond.awful. when I go to the gym, so I always feel Ace when I run into someone who has seen me sweating all over myself (you know- sweat dripping from every nook and cranny, red puffy face, veins popping...)- and then sees me “normal.” Trust me guys- I’m a scary sight on gym mornings.

3. I ate fried alligator today. Really- I did.

4. I did end up bringing a bottle of “water” with me to the wedding weekend extravaganza. It turned out to be a good decision.

5. I found out this afternoon that someone I work with was a stripper to pay his way through college. This in and of it self is sort of hilarious- to find out someone you have a professional relationship with used to wear textured and colored thongs and probably had some sort of signature “move."However, what makes it even more hilarious is how totally out of character it is for this person- a very cerebral, brainiac. Not the stripper type at all. Anyway- my confession is that everytime I saw him this afternoon I couldn’t stop laughing. I literally had to excuse myself from an office he was in today because I thought I might snort trying to keep myself from laughing. Good times.

Anything you need to share?

P:I just read your blog. I’m pleased to hear you were wearing underwear.

Me:Yeah- I was just going to direct you there. It was bad. I felt all dent-y and fat all day.

P:Believe me he wasn’t looking at that. He hasn’t seen young a** like that in 30 years. You just gave him his Father’s Day early.

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Coworker:You should have just played it off and talked about it- making everyone else uncomfortable too! You should have been all, “Hey Mother-in-law- I didn’t mean to leave you out! I guess you need to see too!” and then pretend to lift your skirt.

HA HA

Yeah- I can just imagine how that would have went over with Pat.

Fun times. Just thought I’d share because both these comments cracked me up.

Watching “Jon and Kate” right now. I think they’re announcing their divorce tonight. I know we’re outsiders looking in, and we only see a portion of their life, but anybody have opinions on this situation?

More to come <3