1. I do not understand NASCAR. I mean, I understand the general concept. However, I do not understand how my husband can watch three hours of it in one sitting. The man doesn’t even like to watch me pull out of the drive way, yet if you put a man in a fancy suit full of various company patches and let them drive as fast as they want he’s enamored. I don’t get it.

2. Will got chocolate covered honey buns- and yes, they’re pretty freaking good. However, they’re like 350 calories for one. Do you know how much Special K with Strawberries I can have in place of that?!

3. I had black coffee last week which really surprised me. I’m much more of a skim milk, two sugars kind of girl. But last week was a pretty bad week, and therefore I draw the conclusion that I had to hit the hard stuff.

4. I’m really loving Mary Kay’s new Vitamin C Serum. It’s like magic.

5. It’s only 2 weeks until I’m reunited with my lovely ladies Sarah and Theresa and get to share in Theresa’s very special day. Actually, days! Her birthday is the day before the wedding. Pretty great.

6. I start school next Monday and am sort of freaking out.

7. Will and I are contemplating a December trip to Minneapolis. It’s not like an extravagant trip or anything, it’s Minneapolis, but if you’ve read my blog since 2005 you know it’s been a place Will and I have frequented and have definitely enjoyed each time we visited. I don’t want to go because in my mind we should just save our money and go somewhere we’ve never been, but Will’s argument is that it’s just a small “mini trip” and a getaway would be nice. Oh the fun of trying to make a decision. We shall see!

8. It’s fantasy football time again. For the first time in my married life I’m fully embracing being a football widow. I’m sure I’ll provide you all the details very soon, so we’ll just leave it at that.

9. Have you ever had a Whataburger with cheese? If you haven’t, you aren’t living and should really do it. Right now.

10. I’m really hoping for a good rain. We need it, but I also enjoy the rain. In fact, I have a few rain showers and thunderstorms downloaded on my ipod for when I can’t get to sleep. I feel sort of like an earthy hippie type writing that. I have no idea why.

Yes. I get it. My last twenty-five posts have somehow centered back to food. I clearly have a problem. I should be on Maury or Montel or The View discussing my awful obsession with frosting and dinners and celebrations that center around both.

Or maybe just the sick obsession with frosting.

I realize the food posts need to stop. However, today something happened that I simply had to share. I found myself hovering over the sink thinking, “Wow. I really don’t want to tell anyone about the shame I just experienced.”

And then five minutes later I was in the car laughing thinking, “Ahaha, I have to tell someone about this.”

So here we are.

Tomorrow is Will’s birthday. Yesterday we drove down to Will’s parent’s house to celebrate his birthday. We went to eat and afterwards Will’s mom sent us home with a dirty cake.

Heh heh. Dirty cake.

Doesn’t it just sound sleazy? Like you need to be listening to Keith Sweat or R. Kelly while you take the lid off? Or like you should be slathering it in some sort of edible oil?

Sorry for the visual. Let’s get back on track.

Anyway- dirty cake. Us. Taking it home.

We brought the cake home but didn’t have any last night. Which meant there was untouched cake in my house for more than 12 hours, which is pretty much a miracle.

In fact you may want to check page 22A of your local newspaper. I bet I’m in there.

So today for lunch I had to run to the post office to mail off my transcripts for my school application. I had already brought my lunch to work with me, so there was really no need for me to go home for lunch yet somehow I found myself getting into the car, as if on autopilot, and driving home. You know, to let Boz and Lucy out. Wink.

So I get there, let them out, and am standing around the kitchen thinking, “What am I doing here?” Knowing full well what was really going on in my mind. The cake.

So, I play with a little fire and open the fridge- and there it is.

In fact, as I opened the fridge I’m pretty sure I heard some Marvin Gaye playing in the back of the Crisper area- and as soon as I shut the fridge the music went away.

I peeked it open again, to be greeted with the same sound. Only this time I exercised some degree of willpower and got a nectarine.

Because, as we all know, nectarines are just as satisfying as chocolatey cake, yes?

I finished the nectarine and really realize I need to go back to work.

I mean that is Will’s cake! His mom made it for him! It’s meant for us to share it together in honor of his special day. What sort of sick, awful, hormonal person eats their husband’s birthday ca…

And before I could finish the word, there I was. Standing over the sink trying to slyly carve out a tiny piece of dirty cake so that Will would never know someone sampled it before he did. Only the tiny sliver soon became about half a cup.

Wow.

An all time low, I thought to myself.

So what was I to do!? I couldn’t let Will know I was such a selfish awful wife!

Think, Brittny, Think!

Ahaha!

If you’ve ever had dirty cake, you know that it’s topped with whip cream.

So, in my genius, I went to the freezer and pulled out our gigantic tub of Cool Whip.

Because, as you know, every two person household has a costco size bucket of Cool Whip in their house.

I went to work, almost artist-like, filling in the “tiny” hole I had created, and spreading the oreos overtop.

Brilliant.Before I knew it- Tada! Good as new. Like I never ate a giant hole through Will’s birthday cake.

So now I don’t feel so much like a heel. Now I simply feel like I need to spend all week at the gym.

I made myself laugh, so I figured I’d share the moment with you all.

Happy Monday!

Before we get started I just have to laugh and share. So I just wrote this post and reread it and see that on this same page, just a few posts down, I posted about cake in April. Nice. Does this mean I have a problem? Actually… don’t answer that.

Will turns the big 3-0 next week.

The big one.

Well, one of the big ones. A major milestone for sure.

We decided in honor of the big event we would take a trip. However, with a trip to Branson for his dad’s 60th right around the corner, Theresa’s wedding, oh and a small insignificant nuissance called OU football season, we decided it was best to put the trip off a few months.

Plus, I think I’m way more into this birthday than he is. Likely because it’s not me who is turning 30. It’s him.

So we’re doing a trip later this year or early next but I still obviously need to acknowledge the day of his birth right?

I mean, in my mind sure a belated birthday trip is great and all but to me it’s just a great trip at that point. You’ve been 30 for 5 months. In fact, let’s just celebrate your 30th and a half birthday while we’re here, yes? So to quell the craziness in my mind I have been pestering Will nearly to death about making plans for this weekend.

In fact, I’ve been annoying him so much he may die and never make it to 30.

“29 year-old man dies just short of his 30th birthday due to wife’s constant nagging for a ‘plan.’”

I can read the headlines now.

Will’s mom always makes a cake, which is so great and thoughtful and delicious and great. But I want to make one too. Which is wonderful in my mind, right? One cannot have too much cake. There is no such thing, and I’m sure it’s written in some sort of statute somewhere confirming I am correct.

Will doesn’t want me to make another one- “One is plenty,” but we all agree above that the statute will not allow me to just settle for one. I have to produce one as well. I don’t make up the rules. I mean, I don’t even like cake all that much.

(lying. totally lying through my teeth)

So I found out today that Will is going to spend most of the weekend running back and forth from his parents town getting our cars detailed, which is what he really wanted for his birthday.

With all of this time on my hands (when I’m not scouring the house, volunteering at the senior center, and working on my secret patent) I figured I’d make something delicious.

Only, I have this awful feeling I’m going to make it and then as I sit there waiting for Will all day I will find myself in a goey frosting stupor, wearing chocolate and crumbs all over my face.

It is a definite possibility.

Hey, I figure 30 is a big enough celebration to be shared.

Bring on the cake.

Disclaimer: The decision to eat an entire cake all by myself for Will’s 30th birthday in no way hinders my decision to shed a few pounds for Theresa’s wedding. Actually I’m lying. It does. It really does. Please disregard this post. I would delete it but, well, I’m lazy.

So I got my bridesmaid’s dress fitted for this gal’s wedding (so excited by the way!) and went to pick it up today. It fits like a glove.

Almost.

Almost as in it fits so great and snug and secure that I know after 10 minutes of having it on- or eating- I will be turning blue from the lack of oxygen to my brain.

Okay I’m exaggerating. Plus now I have Theresa in a panic that my dress is too tight (don’t worry, it’s not. It’s blog exaggeration). Plus- that’s what they make Spanx for, right? I will say, however, Theresa- I vow to try my hardest to get rid of some arm fat to ensure that my bouquet is held nicely and that there is no bulge in any of your pictures.

And I will try to forego seconds on desserts.

Every other time.

<3

You simply eat the whole thing so as to ensure there are no jagged edges to haunt you in your sleep.

My MIL made me my annual double decker strawberry birthday cake and brought it up yesterday afternoon.

It’s not just any strawberry cake.

It’s pretty much the best strawberry cake I’ve ever had. It has crushed up real strawberries in it and everything. It’s delicious. And it’s fruit. So it’s healthy.

I shared my cake with the family yesterday- cutting four nice sized slices.

It left a little more than half after that.

Then Will and I, being incredibly slothful and fat, had another generous piece each after our evening walk last night.

So then there was less than half.

Then I came home for lunch today.

And started “evening out” the cake.

A sliver here. A cut there.

You know… to even it out.

Two giant “even-ing out” slices later and there were just two nice size pieces left.

Fat.

Then I came home from work.

Went for an hour long walk outside.

And came home and killed the rest.

Two pieces.

By myself.

After already eating like literally half a cake in a 24 hour span.

I’m pretty sure that type of gluttony is outlawed any other time except for your birthday week. 

Hi!

So it’s somewhat late, I’ve had a long day, and I’m sleepy (read: boring). However, I wanted my first “real” post in half a year to be a little different so I made a few boring videos!

My face is hilarious in this one.

And because I feel really bad for being such a terrible blogger and friend I wanted to embarrass myself as a peace offering. Please excuse the fly-aways, sausage fingers, and giant zit.

So you guys have heard me talk TONS about food lately. You probably think I’m confined to my bed all day and can barely breathe let alone turn myself on my side without a harness and firefighter assistance.

I swear, despite me love for food, that is not the truth. I can still move without a crane. Promise.

To prove it you I figured I’d post my current weight lifting program. You should try it. This will be my third week and I’m loving it lots right now. I’ve got two upper body and two lower body days- with different exercises on each day. I don’t do upper and lower on the same day, I split it into four different days if I can. I also do a set of abs in between each set of exercises, so you’ll be constantly moving during the entire workout which means more calories burned (ie: more fried snickers you can consume. ha ha. Just kidding… sort of)!

For weeks 1-4 I’m doing three sets of between 8-12 reps. This range helps with endurance.

Weeks 5-8 will be three sets of 6-8 reps. This range is for hypertrophy.

Weeks 9-12 will be three sets of 1-5 reps. This range is for strength.

Day One Upper:
Bench Press
Bent Over Barbell Row
Shoulder Press
Skull Crushers
Barbell Curl

Day Two Upper:
Dips (using the chin dip machine)
Pull-ups (I wish I was amazing enough not to need assistance with these, but I use the chin dip machine)
Lateral Raises
Tricep Pushdowns (using the cable machine)
Cable Curls

Day One Lower
Squats
Stiff Legged Deadlift (AMAZING. You MUST be doing these.)
Leg Extension (machine)
Leg Curls (machine)
Calf Raises

Day Two Lower
Step Ups- Grab some weights and step up onto a bench and down. I know it sounds stupid and easy, but it’s a good leg workout
Leg Press
Dumbbell Lunges
Calf Raises
Hyperextension

So I promise that I’m still working out despite my lust for fried snickers. Just reading this program makes me break into a sweat.

More to come!

1. I have way, way more patience than I think I do.

2. A banana isn’t enough for breakfast.

3. But monkey bread someone brought in for the office is.

4. I have bad luck in San Antonio, and it looks like that streak will continue.

5. I have a really hard time liking people that work in the field of finance.

6. Did I say a really hard time? I’m sorry. I meant to say I think I may drive a stake through my eye if I have to hold another conversation with someone from finance this week.

7. When I joke about wanting Coldstone Creamery for lunch, I actually mean it. Other people don’t.

8. I suck at history homework.

9. I really like having dessert after dinner. Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve become accustomed to. I decided to wean myself off this dependency this week- which I have now 100% decided that it’s a really stupid decision. So I like chocolate. What’s the crime in that!?

10. I need to become a millionaire.

Year One: Roses, a Card, and Chocolate

Year Two: Roses and a Card

Year Three: Roses

Year Four: Card

Year Five and Seven Months: A Gigantic Box of Dunkin Donuts Chocolate Cake Donut Holes

And the clothes come off as if you had been sent a tennis bracelet.  I mean- what beats Dunkin Donuts?

It’s all about romanticism really.

<3

Going over my sister’s grocery list and having full detailed discussions about the food she plans on buying.

You’d be amazed at how fascinating 100 Calorie Packs, avocados, and yogurt can be.