Because I'm Terrible at Scrapbooks
From the <3

The Nearest Faraway Place

That’s where I want to be.

I’m not exactly sure where that is for me. Bahrain? Dubai? Heck, I’d settle for on the couch watching a King of Queens.

Once again I’m working on the weekend. This is the 3rd weekend in a row, and the 4th time in 5 weeks.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed or not (HA), but I’m starting to sound a bit like a work martyr.

Can I just tell you how much those people SERIOUSLY annoy me!?

They come around your office all huffy and start touching stuff on your desk as they proceed to tell you HOW

INCREDIBLY

BUSY

THEY

ARE.

“I’m so stressed.

I’m so overworked.

I stayed at the office until 9:00 last night.

I’m SO IMPORTANT AND IRREPLACEABLE.

I can never go on vacation because I’m SO IMPORTANT.”

Sigh, sigh, sigh, boo hoo, etc.

Those type of people make me want to create a paper airplane out of my timesheet and fly it right into their freaking forehead.

Can I just say something? If someone has to tell you all those things about how important and stressed they are, they’re probably not.

However-

I realized last night that I’m sort of starting to sound like that, and trust me, I’m not important.

Are you guys getting your paper airplanes ready every time you see “This Isn’t CTU” is assigned at the bottom of my posts because you know it’s about work? Hey- I wouldn’t blame you.

This week had been a nightmare. It’s left me wondering if this is how life is in this field, or if it’s just my crazy company.

I don’t know what I want to do. I think next week I’m going to go into my manager’s office and really level with him and ask him if this is how life is in this field. If the answer is yes, I’m going to have to really think about whether or not this is a field I enjoy enough to sacrifice a large amount of down time for. If Will and I ever decide to have a family one day, I’m not going to want to feel incredibly guilty for leaving at 5 everyday like a normal person. I won’t want to feel guilty for “letting the team down” by taking a vacation. I feel that way now and I don’t like it. It will only be worse with kids one day. My heart hurts not seeing Will too. On normal week nights we only have one hour together, and lately we haven’t had even that.

I don’t even know where to begin!

The sheer thought of trying to verbalize everything I want to say and at the same time maintain some anonymity exhausts me.

I’ll just say that this week has been a bad week! I’m tired of my department looking like freaking idiots. That’s another story, though.

Will and I got into an argument about the whole situation last night. See, you might remember that I recently moved into a new office (Remember? The one that’s a door closer to the BIDFY?). When I moved into this office I started working lots and lots on new things. I didn’t get a promotion, but I did get a raise. At the time, my managers also posted two positions that were the same level as the girl that I’m currently working with. Well, because of the pay and experience required (Ha- not to mention the fact that the job is in KUWAIT and no one is going to leave their cushy jobs in America for that) they’ve had a hard time filling them. So, they’ve sat open for months and have thrust me into the position of having to do a large majority of the job without the pay or title.

At the time it was called a “learning experience and training ground” for me. Honestly, it was. I truly consider this place my training ground. However, with all this weekend work and the added responsibilities that have continually been squeezed of me, I’m starting to feel that I should apply for one of those positions. I don’t want to get taken advantage of because I’m “learning” when in all actuality I’m “doing.”

Will has been on my case for weeks.

My mom has too.

So has my coworker friend.

So has Theresa.

Want to know a secret?

I’m terrified to apply.

Yep- a chicken.

I’ll admit it.

However, this week was the last straw. I almost threw my application at my boss yesterday! I didn’t, though.

The truth is that this job requires 3-5 years of experience and I only have one. However, I’ve been with this company for two years. I know the workings, I know the people, people know me. I know the job, and heck- I’ve been doing it for 6 months now whether I’ve got the experience on paper or not. If I’m good enough to be doing it anyway, why not at least be compensated?

That’s what Will says anyway.

I feel like I’m in a quandry, and all I want to do is run to the nearest faraway place.

I prayed about it and feel like the confirmations of others telling me to appy without me even bringing it up has been one reason I feel maybe I should apply. However, I still feel uncertain. I started reading Jonah the other day, and I keep thinking to myself, “What are you trying to tell me? Is this my Ninevah? Am I in Tarshish and am supposed to be somewhere else? I’m I reading WAY too much into this story and just need to chill out?” I want God to call me up on the phone, darn it. I guess the awkwardness of turning in my tiny little resume to someone who will have to turn around and say “no” makes me sick to my stomach.

Meanwhile, the work keeps coming and there seems to be no end in sight. Things are constantly coming our way and I’m anticipating many more added responsibilities.

Can I switch gears for a few minutes and tell you guys a little side story??

I’m going to tell you what put me over the edge yesterday, and oddly enough it has nothing to do with work really.

I always get dressed up for work. Honestly, I think it’s ridiculous to have to get so dressed up when it’s a million degrees and a stand storm is blowing the desert all around you at 50 mph- but I still do it. Anyhow, I always try to look nice at work. Half the people at my company are over 55, have gigantor beer bellies that hang from their short tight little polos that go oh-so nicely with their unbrushed teeth and 3 inch long neck hair protruding out of the collar. It has nothing to do with money, they get paid just fine. I would never ever in a million years say something like that out of an ugly heart- trust me. SO- keeping that in mind- Thursdays (my “Friday) I like to dress down a little. Yesterday I wore a pair of khaki cargo pants and a fitted AE tee. Nothing fancy, but also- not slobbish.

My boss comes in and starts telling me about a meeting we’re about to have. I asked him if I needed to do anything for it and he said, “I don’t know Brittny! I just don’t know! By the way, glad you can get dressed up for the meeting today!” and storms out.

That went all over me. Granted, we had a horrible morning dealing with a slew of different issues, but still- that doesn’t warrant such a comment, does it? It just made me so mad. I was already stressed because of work, and angry about having to come in today, and then that comment just really annoyed me. I can take work criticism, but why say something about how I’ve chosen to present myself to the world if it’s not necessary? You know?

Okay, so that was my side story.

Back to what I was talking about before…

All-in-all, I still think I might apply for this position for experience sake. It’s just a matter of getting the courage to bite the bullet and do it! I’ve been saying I’m going to for weeks but have been way too nervous to do it. I’m such a wimp sometimes. I hate that.

I’m sorry for droning on about work. That just seems to be my life right now and I feel as if I’m at a bit of a crossroads. Not a big one, but one that requires a decision. All I know is that I really want to go home today. Really, really badly. The more I’m stuck at work on my days off. The more I let this job dictate my schedule and change my routine… the more I skip going to the gym or forgetting to do things because I’m scattered… the more I begin to hate what I’m doing and I really don’t want that because I like what I’m doing. I just need a break from it sometimes.

All I want to do is run to the nearest faraway place today.

I’m back to work now. You can refrain from throwing those timesheet airplanes. 

How Much Longer

Do you ever feel like you should create a list entitled “Things I Need to Remember to Stress About” just so you don’t forget the mountain of worries tapping at your shoulder?

I honesly came close just now. I really did. I decided to post instead.

Earlier today, Will and I had one of those big kid discussions about life

and how much longer we’ll be here

and how much is enough

and missing out on the little things in life

and everything besides the kitchen sink.

One of those conversations that I wish I could have had a cute little 1930s court stenographer with the bright red lips and beautiful wavy curls sitting quietly in the background typing an entire transcript of everything said.

Sadly, I didn’t have one!

Anyhow, here it sits Saturday night, work tomorrow, and it finally hit me- I need a vacation!

Although Will just came back from one, I know he’s ready for one too. One that’s a little more relaxed than running back and forth to a couple football games and jumping back on a plane.

We never really came to a conclusion at the end of our conversation, we simply decided we needed a vacation. I know Will is far more ready to go home for good than I am. Football season isn’t helping either! It’s so weird living in uncertainty. Sure, nothing is really “certain” (aside from salvation of course!) in this world and in the times we live in, but I think you know what i’m saying. I mean, I sort of feel like we’re floating. Like we’re in this incubator waiting for whatever is next, only we don’t know what “next” is!

In some ways I feel years ahead of my peers. In other ways, I feel so behind.

Sigh, you just had to be there today. I can’t really “re-verbalize” all that we talked about. In some ways we talked about everything, in others we talked about nothing.

Such a contradiction!

One silly thing I realized was that when we go home one day I won’t immediately have my dream house. It’s funny how this whole time I just thought we’d move home and “bam!” we’d either build our buy the house of our dreams. Uh- hello jobs and location! I guess I forgot those two important things. Leave it to me to be the dreamer! Jenny? I’m just going to have to live through you a while longer than I thought, okay?

I just don’t know! I know we don’t have to worry about making this big life decision anytime soon. We’ll still be here for a while, but it sure would be nice to know what lurks around the corner. It seems that every now and then Will and I have one of these big talks that makes my head spin

and wonder

and worry

and stress

and search for jobs

and go crazy

and make Will go crazy too!

Breathe, right? Just breathe. I know tomorrow will take care of itself. I just want to help it along sometimes. I guess I just need to look forward to that vacation of ours.

enjoy the weekend.

A Conversation with Will

Guess who is an indirect culprit in today’s post?

Yep-

the MIL.

How funny, I’ve gone months without mentioning her, and then all of a sudden she appears twice in one week!

Where should I start?…

Last night Will and I had a really really long and deep discussion about…

hmm, what was it about!?

“stuff.” Stuff about his mother. Stuff about another lady he likens to a mother, and stuff about how I feel about all of the above.

It all started when we were talking about his trip and everyone he visited. Well, then he casually mentions going to see “The Other Mother (ha- that sounds like a good enough nickname for this entry).”

When I heard this news I got so irritated and mad.

The Other Mother is a woman that Will was extremely close to during a period of his life. He truly did count her as a 2nd mother to him (hence the nickname). He grew really close to the whole family, took trips with them, etc. That’s the short story.

The problem is, however, that he dated her daughter.

And yes, I’m totally petty.

I’ll admit it.

I let stupid things like that bother me.

Once Will and I started dating, he didn’t see her as much since he practically lived with me and my family. She came to the wedding (as did the ex), but they sort of went their separate ways because he was busy being a newlywed and well, he didn’t really need that sort of friendship anymore.

I know the impact The Other Mother had on Will’s life… or at least I thought I did. I don’t think I really truly knew how important she was to him until last night.

When I found out he went and randomly visited her I became the “ugly” wife.

The one I really don’t like.

Why do we all have that ugly wife side!? Seriously! Have any of you found a way to de-program her!? If you have, please let me know!

Anyway, so I became the “ugly” wife with the Medusa hair and bulging eyes. I told him I thought it was disrespectful to me that he would go to his ex’s house. I told him if it were the other way around and I went to go see my ex boyfriend’s father I really think he would have a problem with it.

Will told me he was really surprised that I was upset and he had no intention of hurting me. He said he had hoped I would go with him next time to visit, because of how much she had meant to him. He explained that he knew his ex wouldn’t be there, and he knew I knew how he felt about their family so he really figured I would be okay with it.

I wasn’t. I was annoyed. I admitted to him that I guess some of it was jealousy (yeah I know. I’m terrible. Don’t judge. I suppose I’m the only woman in the world that’s ever been jealous, right!?), some of it was bad feelings about his past, and still more was the fact that I felt that if it were turned the other way around he wouldn’t be so cool with it either.

Then he said something that totally irritated me. He told me, “I think God allowed me to date ____ (insert ex’s name) so that I would meet her mother.”

What!? Are you on meth!? What the crap kind of statement was that?

I told him I thought that was stupid. So we talked about it.

We just talked,

and talked,

and talked some more.

We never broke out into an argument. Actually, it was one of the best conversations we’ve ever had with one another.

Hmm… I feel like this makes no sense. Oh well, let’s carry on.

So the conversation was basically me feeling upset that he went to see his ex’s mother, and him telling me how much he loves me and would never mean to hurt me and that the family meant a lot to him etc.

See, I never really got why this family meant so much to him. Will comes from a great family. Granted, his mother is a little bothersome, but still- a great Christian family. What would make him feel the need to become apart of another one? I asked him that question.

He began to explain to me why The Other Mother made such an impact in his life. He told me, “You know how my mom is! Imagine living with that for 20 years!”

Ha ha, I can’t even imagine!

He went on to say that his mother has poured cold water on everything he’s thought about or wanted his whole life. That is a very true statement. She doesn’t seem to believe in spending money, taking trips, and sometimes I even wonder if she believes in having fun!

She seemed miffed we went to the Super Bowl. She seems to think our 4 OU season tickets are extravagant…

She just can’t seem to let people make their own decisions.

The Super Bowl was a dream for Will. I don’t regret going on second.

Will wanted OU season tickets his whole life. Why shouldn’t he have them!? He works hard. OU is a passion. An obsession. He’s never happier than when we’re in Norman. I’m not exaggerating about that either.

His mother just doesn’t seem to get that. Like Will said, she’s poured a lot of cold water on things throughout his life.

Okay- so you sort of get why he needed another older womanly figure in his life, right? I understood too. I mean, I knew a lot of it, but after talking for as long as we did I finally got it.

What nailed it all down, though, is coming now.

So, Will was proceeding to answer my question. Then?

Then the tears came (and uh- don’t tell Will I told you that. He would totally freak out). I’ve only seen cry maybe three times during the five years we’ve been together.

If you’ve read a long time, you know how much Will’s dad means to him. His dad is his hero. As he continued on with the “cold water” stuff, he mentioned his dad’s truck as an example. He told me about how his dad worked so hard for his family his whole life and how his mother never wanted him to have a new truck, yet she would always get a new car.

Now, if you’re from the South you know how men are with their trucks. It’s a big deal to show off a shiny new truck! Stuff like that bothered Will. When he started talking about his dad, the tears came.

“ My mom and I didn’t get along very because of things like that. I guess I liked being around The Other Mother so much because she wasn’t like my mom and…

and… (insert that huge inhale you take right before the floodgates open)

because she was nice to me.”

And my poor Will really cried. Like real alligator tears. Ones he’s rarely cried before.

It broke my heart. I felt so silly for being the way I was about the whole situation. I know Will would never intentionally disrespect me by doing what he did. I guess most of it was my petty jealousies that got in the way of seeing how much that family meant to him during those college years.

I felt so close to Will last night. We shared so much and it was so good. It was truly one of the best conversations we’ve had in a long time. I learned so much.

I feel a little bare for sharing all this with you guys, but for some reason I thought I would. I thought maybe I would just make this a private post, but why bother, right? Exactly.

So, not a funny ha-ha post today. A lot more sharing than I normally do!

Also, I should say I feel bad for the MIL bashing lately. Will’s mom is a wonderful lady- seriously. Her love for God truly inspires me. I love his mom very much.

Wow, what a post! I feel like I dropped a 500 pound weight on my blog.

Run! Run away while you still can!

More to come. Hopefully not nearly as freaking revealing, right!?

<3

You Either Are an Expat or You’re Not

My boss said that to me this week.

I signed my life away to one more year here today. I had to get an appraisal and get my leave approved beforehand which required a meeting with my boss. Ugh. Can I just vent before I continue on with this post!?!

Thanks.

Half the people that do contract work take lots of short vacations. The other half hordes their vacation and takes a big, disgustingly long one month trip.

Will and I are hoarders.

When I told my boss we were planning on going home this December for a month, he freaked out.

He’s one of the short vacation guys.

It went all over me. Who is he to decide how I spend my vacations!?!

He told me he’d approve it this time, but not to plan on doing that ever again.

“You either are an expat or you’re not,” he said.

I left, extremely annoyed. His words have been ringing in my ears for the last few days.

You either are an expat or you’re not.

I don’t know what I am.

My first instinct is to say no. I’m not a bonafide expat. I’m simply doing this for a little while but plan on going home and living a normal life.

However, when I think about going home and living a normal life- it terrifies me. Not funny ha ha terrifies me- guys, it really truly scares the dickens out of me.

I know you guys probably think I’m crazy to be scared of going home and having a “normal” life (what is normal anyway?). If Will knew I was writing this he would freak out. See- Will is definitely NOT an expat. No doubt about it and no waivering. He’s a down home country boy that loves good Oklahoma folk, beans and cornbread, and OU football. He is out of his element here. He longs for home and has never thought otherwise. This is truly a temporary assignment for him.

It is for me too… I think.

Will and I touched on it a couple weeks ago when we had the “vomit conversation” I mentioned in Sunday’s post. He asked me if I could do this for a long time since we were able to take month long vacations back home. I told him I had seriously thought about it.  There’s a lot more to what was said, but I’m feeling lazy today.

I think about going home for good and it makes me realize how good we have it here. We’re sort of out of touch with reality. No bills, no taxes, no paying for gas, getting to go on these awesome excursions all over the world and stay in the finest hotels. You guys are going to think I’m COMPLETELY insane, but I also feel extremely safe here. Safer than I do when I’m in America. I know you think I’m a complete lunatic, but it’s the truth (okay, okay- aside from the psycho extremist groups). When we go home that’s all over. We enter The No Fun Zone. It’s back to the reality of paying bills, punching in,being afraid of crazy weirdos, and getting 2 weeks vacation.

Then the other, more spiritual side of me thinks about how I should be storing up my treasures in heaven. That I need to “set my mind on things above and not on earthly things.” Then I think, “Okay. Why am I doing this? Why are we slaving away over here!? We need to be back home doing ministry work and living a ‘normal’ life.”

Sigh.

I know that we’re not supposed to go home yet, as of today that is, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I know we have a ministry here, but at the same time I think about how we could probably be better utilized at home…

Part of me (okay a LOT of me) wishes we could go home and live out “my master plan” which is the best of both worlds. I don’t know if it really is, but it seems to be from where I’m looking.

I feel torn and in some weird, weird way- afraid to leave this life behind one day.

As much as I whine and complain about being here, you know, aside from the heat it hasn’t been bad. It’s allowed us to do things I never thought in my entire life I would ever see or do. We lead an interesting life. Am I ready to give that up? I don’t know.

I never in my wildest dreams thought leaving this behind would ever be difficult, but I’m afraid it’s going to be harder than I think.

Saying all this makes me feel bad. I feel bad because I know Will will have no problem leaving this behind. I know how anxious he is to get out of here, move home, and go to Norman, Oklahoma every Saturday each fall. Why don’t I feel the same way?

Maybe I do… I just don’t know.

You either are an expat or you’re not…

I know we’re not making any big decisions anytime soon, yet my mind continues to wonder about what the future holds for us. During that same “vomit conversation” Will and I had, he astounded me by saying that not only wouldn’t (sorry for the double negative) he be surprised if he was called back to full time youth ministry, but that he could also see himself being a pastor one day.

letting out a huge blood curdling scream

Okay- so I’m jumping the gun 10 years and freaking out about something that isn’t coming around for a long time, but still! Can I please shove a #2 pencil in your eye?

Am I ready for that? Am I prepared to do a total 180? I’m not talking about a 180 with the way I live my life, I’m talking about a 180 with our lifestyle. Going from trips to Jordan or staying at the Burj, to being stuck in smalltown USA cleaning our clothes with a washboard in the river. Am I ready to give this up adventure? I don’t know. I can’t believe I’m freaking saying this crap!! I was always just like Will- ready to get the hell out of here. I don’t know why I’m struggling with this stuff.

I know I need to focus my mind on God’s will for our life. I have no idea why I’m stressing about a decision that doesn’t even need to be made now.

It’s because I’m crazy and in some sick way enjoy worrying about things.

I guess the combination of the vomit conversation and the expat comment really got my mind wandering and thinking about what an adjustment leaving here really will be. It’s brought to light the fact that life here is pretty okay, and I could probably do this contract thing a few more years. Maybe not in Kuwait, but somewhere else.

Want to know something funny? Someone just came in my office and said the exact same thing I just spent an hour writing. She went home for 6 months and ended up coming back because life just seemed different.

Maybe I’m not crazy afterall!

Maybe moving home really will be a dramatic adjustment for me. Maybe I’m not alone in my fears of the culture shock.

So am I an expat?

I don’t know.

I guess time will tell…

deny

I posted a few new pics on my Flickr bar. The pups got their summer shaved looks a few weeks ago. They’re not as cute, but I think they’re happier. I also got my hair “sliced (whatever that means).” I got a few brown streaks added. I used to think it looked silly, but well, I guess I don’t anymore. Ha ha, at least I hope I don’t because I just did it! I think I was inspired by Jenny’s new beautiful brown. I love it, Jenny! I’m too afraid to go all the way, so I thought this would be a fun little change.

That’s not the reason why I’m posting, though. I’ve been trying to formulate today’s post into coherent words, and well, I just can’t seem to. Everything gets jumbled in my mind and nothing makes sense. Nonetheless, I feel this immense burden to get my thoughts off my chest.

Today is definitely not a typical “B-Love post.” If you’re in the mood for a light-hearted Friday post, you definitely came to the wrong place. Hey- at least I warned you, right? I’ll be up front and say there may be a million and five typos in today’s post and you might walk away saying, “What the crap did she just write!?!” Today’s post is mostly because I just need to get my thoughts out, like I said earlier.

We’re told to lie here in Kuwait. For example, you never volunteer you’re from America. Even a lot of “good” Muslims here don’t like where we come from and what we’re doing. If I had to guess, I would say the vast majority of people living in the Middle East have an unfavorable view of America. So, we never walk around telling people where we’re from. Yes, that means poor Will can’t wear his OU gear out in public.

He hates it too.

That part of my time here doesn’t bother me. However, guys, I did something Wednesday night that I’m so very ashamed of. Something that brought me to the ground in pain. Something you’ll be disappointed about. I don’t know why I’m even about to tell you all this. Maybe just because I need to get it all out somewhere.

I flat out denied that I was a Christian Wednesday night.

Yep, you all can click off my post and think I’m the worst person in the world and hate me now. I wouldn’t blame you.

Thankfully, however, although I answer to a jealous God, I also answer to a forgiving God. So, if you’re still reading- let’s move on.

My whole life I knew that if ever confronted with a situation like that I would without a doubt stand for Christ and say, “You’re freaking darn right I’m a Christian!!!!!” however, when the time came, I caved in self-doubt and fear. Let me tell you about it.

I was working out at the gym Wednesday night. This lady kept staring at me the entire time, quite honestly making me feel very uneasy and comfortable. I got the feeling she was, for lack of better words, a “bad lady.” I can’t convey it all to you, and frankly, that’s not the point of this post. I just know I got the feeling she wasn’t out to be my friend by any means. She called me over towards the end of my work out, and like a freaking idiot moron I came over.

She began by asking me about the gym equipment, and I answered. Then, the harassment started.

“Where are you from? You American?”

I then lie.

She begins to stare me up and down with her darting and cold brown eyes.

“You married?”

I answer yes. She then asks me about my age.

I answer, but at this point I’m getting annoyed. I can tell she’s hunting for something. I’ve lived here long enough to know what she’s thinking, and I know it’s not good.

So, then it happens.

“Are you Christian?”

Guys, I froze. Like Simon Peter, I froze. Ha- I’m by no means “The Rock,” Peter, but at that moment I wondered if he felt the way I did at that moment so many years ago.

“What?” I asked.

“Christian- you Christian?”

I just sort of looked at her and flat out said, “No.”

Hanging my head in shame.

She looked at me harder, as if she wanted to reach inside of me and know the truth. She asked again, “You’re not Christian?”

I answered the same as before.

“Why do you need to know, I asked. What are you?”

She wouldn’t answer. She asked me one last time, “You Christian?”

Finally, I was angry. Angry with myself for what I had said. Angry that I became what I hated. Angry at this lady. I knew her. I knew what she was thinking. It made me angry. I thought back to the verse in the Bible that talks about denying Christ. I felt the Lord on my heart, pressing. Pressing.

“YES! Yes, I am a Christian.” I finally said. I said it with anger and annoyance in my voice. I was ready for the whole conversation to end.

“What kind? Cath-o-lic, Protestant, Born Again?”

I’m getting madder by the minute. “Why do you need to know?” I keep asking. She won’t answer, she just keeps saying the same thing over and over.

Finally I said, “I don’t understand why you need to know this information. It was nice meeting you.” I left. I didn’t even finish my work-out.

I went home, feeling like crap the whole way. “Did I really just do what I think I did?” I thought to myself. I knew I needed to talk to God, the person I sat there and denied, but the thought of it made my stomach sick. I’d rather hide away in denial, thank you very much.

I called Will. I needed to talk to someone. I started telling him my story and then the tears came. The fact that I was having snot issues this week didn’t help either.

Will and I talked a while as he drove home. He told me he knew why I did it, but obviously God doesn’t care about that. We answer to a higher calling than our fears. I already knew that. We talked about Cassie Bernall, the girl that was killed at Columbine for saying she was a Christian. Ha, granted my situation wasn’t even close to that, but it made me wonder. If I couldn’t hang with the big dogs in the situation I just faced, how in the world could I ever expect to be a “Cassie” if I was ever forced to be in such a situation?

Will ultimately said what I already knew, “Why are you talking to me about this? You know who you need to be talking to.”

I felt so ashamed. God has done so much for me. He takes care of me in ways I don’t even realize. His love and care is always with me, and that’s how I treat Him when the chance arrives for me to take a stand? Pretty ungrateful if you ask me. All I could say was, “I’m so sorry.” That was about all I could get out in between snot bubbles and dogs nipping at my feet. The embarrassment of going to God with what had happened was overwhelming. As a Christian that has grown up in church all her life, surrendered to ministering to others, and knowing all the Sunday school answers- I sure flopped. I’m pretty sure even people young in their faith would have fared better with the lady than I did.

Want to know the worst part of all? I specifically prayed that morning that I would have an opportunity to be a light that day.

Was that my chance?

Did I miss it?

Surely God wouldn’t have placed Psycho Woman in my path, right? He would have given me a nice, sweet lady to be a witness to, right?

I’m not so sure. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for protection. I prayed that if Psycho Woman was in fact the opportunity I had prayed for, that I would have the opportunity again. I prayed I would be bold and courageous.

I still felt like crap.

In fact, I still feel lousy. Will and I talked about it yesterday. He said I haven’t “laid it down.” That I’m “wallowing.” That I’m still holding on to it. I know he’s right. I guess the thing that bothers me is- what a freaking character check, you know? What’s inside of Brittny? I’m not really sure anymore! I thought I knew. I thought for certain that when I was squeezed good things would come out, but now I don’t know. That makes my heart hurt. I’ve always been the person that knows all the answers, and now I feel so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t even answer the most basic one.

Maybe you’re reading and thinking this is all silly and isn’t a big deal, but it’s a big deal to me. I’ve devoted my whole life to loving God, and to turn around and do what I did? It’s shameful.

So now I’m not sure where to go. I still feel this huge “something” on my heart right now. I don’t know what it is, but it’s heavy! It feels like “yuck.” ha ha- whatever that is, right? I just feel sick about the whole thing. I want to honor God. I really do. I hope that “something” goes away. Maybe it’s the fact that I just can’t seem to let go of it, just like Will said. That confessing my guilt, accepting the grace I preach about all the time seems too easy and not “good enough” for something that seems so big to me. Or, maybe God still has more to deal with me about. I don’t know. I’m just ready to stop feeling the way I do.

I hope you’re not too ashamed with me. Believe me- I’ve beaten myself up enough. So, that’s the story. I just needed to write. I want so badly to live my life for Christ. To show people that don’t believe in Him that there’s more to life. That it’s not about rules and regulations. It’s about freedom. It’s not about looking at the “hypocrites” but instead looking at Jesus. That you can still live a fun life. That’s what I want. I just wish my heart would stop hurting.

An Abaya is Looking Better and Better

The night started with P and I getting flicked off by the driver who cut us off.

This should have been a sign the night wasn’t going to go as planned.

I don’t get to see P as often as I’d like, so I thought shopping for my Summer Swap partner together would be the perfect opportunity to spend some much need sister time. Plus, she leaves for D.C. this week and I’m going to miss her!

We headed to one of Kuwait’s many malls. The plan was to have a progressive dinner of sorts with shopping in the middle. We started off at one of our favorite stores, and everything was going well. We were having a good time and enjoying ourselves. We ended up heading to the food court for Round One. We went to a Lebanese restaurant a split a saj (YUM!). I’m not that adventurous with new foods, mainly because the thought of trying something new makes Will drool and break into convulsions. A saj is simply a crispy warmed totilla type bread filled with something yummy- in our case cheese and tomatoes and a few spices.

Afterwards I stopped by to say hello to my friend/coworker that I knew was shopping nearby. Then it was off for Round Two! That’s where the trouble ensued. One of the places at the mall has a delicious goat cheese salad. It’s simply freaking amazing. We headed to the restaurant only to notice there weren’t any tables. We walked around a little more and came back to see one table had finally opened! We sat down and began browsing the menu.

The restaurant set-up isn’t exactly the greatest. It’s indoor, but meant to have the feel of an outdoor sort of cafe. That means you’re sitting on teeny tiny chairs and sharing a table the size of a small school desk with whoever you’re eating with- not to mention you’re practically sitting on top of all the other diners. A set of three old men, clad in their traditional shiny, unblemished white dish dashy as, began to heckle us. They started taking pictures of us with their phones, and all turned their chairs towards us and sat and stared at us. It was simply Barbaric and inappropriate. We were so close it was if we were sharing a table at this point.

Oh- I guess I should tell you before going on. All non-Arab women get this. A lot. I would venture to say it’s rarely to that extent, but I can guarantee you every woman in this country has a similar story. That is something I could write a novel on, but I won’t. It’s just important to note that all Americans, British, etc. get this everytime they go out without a man.

Anyhow, P gave the waiter a look as if to say, “Do you see these men!? They’re clearly undressing us with their eyes and it’s simply wrong, especially for an Arab man who freaking outlaws all kissing scenes in public movies!!!!!” The waiter was gracious enough to move us. Sigh, thank goodness. However, the harrassment didn’t stop.

One of them called the manager over and proceeded to have a 5 minute conversation, presumably about us (I think the pointing gave it away). I know this whole story probably doesn’t seem like a big deal. I don’t think I could properly write it to convey the way the whole thing made me feel. I just feel disgusted and needed to vent to my blog today. P and I barely enjoyed our dinner.

Afterwards, we got up and headed to another store. One of the men got up and followed us! He stood outside the store, pacing up and down, waiting for us to come out. That’s when I got angry. It’s one thing to sit and stare at someone in a rabid wolf sort of manner, but to get up, follow me and my sister to a store and wait for us? Well, that’s another.

I called Will, and P called our parents. I really thought they were going to have to come and escort us out of there. However, I told them to hold off. I told P we needed to tell a security guard what was going on.

Ha- but then we had sort of a “duh” moment. There are two options of people we could tell- an Arabic man that worked at the mall and would most likely dismiss the matter, or a female Filipino security guard that has absolutely no power over an Arabic man. Hmm, choices choices! The man continued to stare into the store window, which I’m sure was ridiculous looking in itself to outsiders considering it was a young girl’s clothing store.

I got angry and told P that this man couldn’t keep us in the store like this. We both angrily stormed out, blowing by the dirty old man- who continued to follow us. We kept walking and walking and finally found a quiet place to sit. Finding an old Arab man in a white dish dash ya would be like looking for a freaking needle in a haystack here. Finding two blonde girls would be like trying to spot an elephant among ants. We just needed to stay somewhere inconspicuous.

Thankfully, P’s wonderful Kuwaiti boyfriend Z came to our rescue. He drove to the mall and sat with us while we enjoyed Round Three, shakes! I was so glad to have him there. It’s amazing how much the staring stops when a male is there. I never go out alone without Will. In fact, I can count on one hand the times I have the whole 2 years I have. I’ve had similar things happen a lot, but I simply can’t convey to you the way these men’s behavior sickened me. I, like the majority of Western women here, simply brush it off most times, but this was different. It was a whole new level of inappropriate.

I don’t really know why I shared this story with you all. I just feel angry about the whole event. I know it probably doesn’t sound all that bad, but it was. It was angering. It was blatant. It was disrespectful.

Kuwait is okay. I’m finally at the point where I’m fine living here for a while longer (ha- unless you want to offer me a big time job, that is). However, it’s events like this one that anger me and remind me how far away I am from home. Ha- granted this happens a lot in the States too, but for some reason it just feels different. I guess because like I said, P and I can’t exactly blend into a crowd.

I simply needed to write today. I was so disgusted about the whole thing and needed a place for therapy.

Thanks for listening.

posted in From the <3,PDub,Q-8 bullet permalink bullet 6.07.2007

An Apology

I’m not sure where to begin this post!

I want to say I’m sorry to you ladies. I think this post caused some anger last week. I know I don’t have to apologize for anything I write on my blog, but I guess I was shocked about it. I reread what I wrote, and I guess I can understand how some people would be mad, but really- that wasn’t my intention. I think some of it was because I was so jumbled feeling myself, and I just started writing, not really stopping to think if everything I wrote was going to make sense to anyone other than myself.

My post was meant to say (a summary in 3 points or less!):

*We are all beautiful the way God made us.

*I think it is such a struggle for many women to feel beautiful because we constantly have to compete with the bazillion magazines, TV ads, and movies filled with gorgeous women- and we’ll never ever in a million years look “beautiful” if THAT is what beautiful is supposed to be. Heck- the models in those magazines don’t even look that way! They’re airbrushed!

*Again, I don’t think plastic surgery is bad. I think it has helped a lot of women feel better about themselves, including my mother who struggled with her weight for years.

I never ever meant to upset anyone with that post. I really wrote out of frustration because I was constantly being filled with stories of people getting things done, and it made me feel frustrated with my own effort. I was just writing to say it’s such a struggle to feel beautiful when I’m constantly being bombarded with people saying we need this removed, or this added… it makes me wonder if I’m supposed to feel the same way. Am I supposed to think those things too?

Sigh. I’m not even sure if this post made sense, but I felt I needed to write it. I hope you all knew my intentions in the last post. I love you all so very much, and I never intended that post to anger people. If anything, I wanted it to empower people to realize that we are beautiful. I’m sorry if it was misconstrued (or however you spell it).

I turned off comments on this post because I simply want it to be the end of my thoughts on the whole thing. I just felt the need to apologize to you guys if I upset you. Like I said, that was never my intention.

I hold you all very dear to me.

posted in From the <3 bullet permalink bullet 6.03.2007

home sweet home

Alone I sit at the computer.

I just scarfed down my second bowl of Kashi (note to self- it’s not considered South Beach Friendly if you eat enough to feed a boy’s choir) and am listening to the night’s prayer call.

I prefer not to eat alone, and I prefer not to eat in front of this box, but I thought you would be more company than listening to the TV blare, so here I am.

Current listen?

Sia: Breathe Me.

I’m currently downloading a wealth of new songs. My sister keeps me cool. She emails me all the songs I HAVE to have, so I download them and she is usually right- it’s mostly good stuff.

So anyway, now that we agree you have to know all these stupid and pointless facts, I’ll move on.

This weekend was definitely an “I want to go home” one. I don’t particularly know why. Okay, maybe I do. Do you have time to listen? I don’t.

Anyway, since we established the fact that I’m feeling a little homesick I’ll fast forward to today. I got a little hangy air freshener to put in the company car. It is a yankee one. I love those things. It is called Home Sweet Home, and honestly, if it hadn’t been named that, that’s what I would have said it reminded me of.

Was I torturing myself with this air freshener or what!?

In fact, I’m such a loser that I brought the wrapper upstairs with me so that I could remember the smell.

We learned in interpersonal communication (and an old spice commercial!) that scent is the strongest link to our memory. I believe it. I opened the air freshner about 5 minutes from my apartment and I was distracted by a flood of memories. So many memories all at the same time that I couldn’t even sort them through.

I thought about my parent’s house back home. It smelled like that. My mom loved spicy and cinnamony candles and would light them all the time. It reminded me of that house, and my heart hurt because after moving around my whole entire life, that was the house that anchored me and now someone else lives there. That is a post in itself but I think that might be one I never post publicly because it would drag on forever and make me cry.

It also reminded me of Christmas. If it hadn’t been called Home Sweet Home it should have been called Christmas. It reminded me of all the candles my mom would burn and all the cooking she would do and those scented big pine cones and a million other christmasy things. Gosh I want to go on but I vowed not to stay on here all night- and what am I doing!?

It reminded me of Sarah C’s house too. I had a lot of fun growing up there. I wonder how she is doing. I hope well. The last time I saw her was, gosh… I am thinking.. it had to have been Christmas break before we moved over here. We met at Atlanta Bread for lunch. That was the last time we talked. I know she is doing great. I know it.

It also reminded me of apple cider and freezing our butts off at high school games and OU games.

I was just shocked at all the things that were overtaking me. I just wanted to be home so bad.

I waver a lot about what we should do but I’ve just been homesick the last few days. I’m just tired of fighting for what is right and seeing everything bad win. I know that happens back home too, but I have to believe it is not near the magnitude that it is here. Someone said something that is sadly true about our company, “All the good people leave because they get tired of trying to fight the system.” It’s so true.

Will and I just want to work and go home but I’m afraid the first part may not be a viable option for us for much longer. I don’t know that for sure. I mean ask me tomorrow when I’m having a , “I can make it here” day and it might be totally different.

Anyway, so here I sit by myself.

I hate that.

Especially on I miss home days.

On top of that I’m tired and I just want to go to sleep.

Will is in charge of an april fool’s day run they’re having tonight so he won’t be home until late. I guess him being gone gives me time to get some stuff done, but I doubt I will. I figure I will take a shower, get ready for bed. iron tomorrow’s stuff (If I’m lucky!) and go to bed. Or at least make an attempt to. Days like today make me wish he were here to go to bed with me. Sigh.

I think a lot of it is that my emotions are heightened thanks to nature… do I need to say any more or give you a definition of nature!? I sure hope not. Thanks Brittny! We will all set our clocks to you. You’re a sunday start you say? OKAY!

Anyway, I’m just tender an tired and miss home today.

Yesterday.

Tomorrow.

Probably the day after too.

I wish I knew the right thing. There are days when I think, “I don’t even know if I’m going to make it to tomorrow let alone August!” and then there are other days I think, “If we take a nice long vacation this fall I think I can make it until next May, but I’m not sure how much more after that.”

I am like a big rickety teeter totter.  If I’m honest haven’t prayed enough about it. I’ve prayed so quickly the last couple of weeks that I know I’ve missed out on some wonderful time with God. I need to listen more this week.

So anyway, I’m writing now, debating whether I will make this public or private.

Public or private?

My heart says, “Brittny! Make it private!”

I know I should.

I think I’ll make it public because I feel like being a jerk. ha ha. Totally kidding. I’m sorry for the downer post. You know I’m not like this a lot. I am just tired of things and am missing home and am bombarded with a lot of warm memories from home.

See- I’m kiling myself over here! I’m smelling the stupid wrapper this very second. What a dork. Yeah, THAT’S good therapy! smile

Okay, private.

Public.

Private

Public…

Should I toss a coin?

I hate writing down posts like this and then posting it for you guys who have your own problems, to read… but then again if you really want to know me I guess you should know all of me and know I am feeling homesick. Like the homsick where you heart feels like its constantly inhaling and can’t exhale. Like you can’t breathe for fear that if you do, that if you breathe out you will show yourself and all the tears and worries and everything else and they won’t be able to stop and you will just be left there the way you were before but in worse shape because you will be snoting on yourself and your eyes will be all puffy.  That sort of homesick. I would just prefer to inhale. I don’t know if I’m ready for the exhale part quite yet.

So, I guess I will apologize for being such a jerk for posting this on your guys’ weekend when all is perfect and “yes (E.E. Cummings).”

Thanks for reading if you did! Sorry to be a downer. I think I need to sleep, get through this week and get an answer from God! It sounds so easy when I say it like that.

Until then I’ll just shut the computer down for now and take my goofy little wrapper and reminisce of home

springing into the future

Dozens of soldiers, clad in flip-flops and shorts stroll the camp, fully enjoying the beauty that is today.

As I walked by the pool, every chair was filled with a bronzed body.

The breeze brought the smell of coconut tanning oil, filling my nose with fun memories of my puppy dog days, when life was much simpler.

Beach balls are being tossed about the water and a rowdy game of flag football is underway on the big field.

Spring is here in Kuwait, and things are alive.

And yes, I know it is not technically spring yet… but work with me.

The spring is notorious for bringing change- just look at how many pregnant women are typing on the nest right now! smile - and I feel that this spring, just like every other, will bring the waves of change to my life as well.

My heart aches for these changes because I’m not sure I’m ready. I thought my growing pains were over, but I fear in many ways they are just beginning.

Gasp, that’s right, yet ANOTHER downer post from me. I’M SORRY! I’ll get it right soon, I promise! Besides, I think this will be my last “life” post for a while. I’ll go back to normal after this one. I just wanted to give ya’ll an update.

Friday night Will and I agreed that he would go ahead and re-sign his contract, committing him to another year here. We then decided that come August, when my contract is up, if we are still unhappy, I won’t renew mine and Will will give a 30 days notice and we’ll come home. That gives us 5 months to really think about what we want to do. We thought that was the right decision to make right now. That way it gives us more time to think about things, though I think we both know in our heart of hearts what we are going to do…

As I sought God this morning, really asking Him just to reveal Himself to me regarding this matter, I was reading Proverbs 30 and saw something that really humbled me and has resonated in my mind all day. I wish I had my Bible with me here at work so I could share it with you (just read Proverbs 30- it’s a short chapter!), but it was this man, Agar I think ( I could be TOTALLY wrong, sorry!) and he was asking God not to make him too poor, so that he wouldn’t resort to stealing, but not to make him too rich so that he would forsake the Lord. He simply asked God for just enough. He knew that having all he needed was, well, all he needed.

I could give you a long drawn out analysis of what is going through my mind, but I think you know that this verse gives me a lot to think about. I know it’s not wrong to have nice things and have a good life, but what is enough? Have I lost sight of what I truly need here in this life? I don’t think there is anything wrong with the financial goal Will and I have set before us while we’re here, but the truth is, “God? Are you trying to tell me this labor is all in vain and we simply need to come home and live a ‘normal’ life with ‘normal’ jobs and that we should be content with having what we need?” I“m not sure.

It’s so ironic because one of my sweet friends emailed me something similar this past week and it really got me thinking, so this was just more for me to process.

So many things to think about in the coming weeks… are we going? are we staying?

Lots to ponder.

We work in a place where a lot of questionable things (not illegal, but things that make you think, “If this was a company in the states that so would have never happened this way.”) occur and everyone is miserable but, “Hey! At least we’re getting paid!” That’s no way to live, y’know? It’s like the joke at this company.

My thoughtful dad called and asked me out to lunch today. I felt like he had grabbed my heart and slammed it repeatedly on my desk and then gave it back to me. It was nothing he had done, but simply the thought that, “gosh. Can I really live without my parents nearby?” I don’t know. I could talk about that for a long time, but I won’t because I’m sure you can relate in some way or another.

So I will go ahead and close for today. I look forward to not having to post these melancholy updates for a while. So as spring approaches, I look towards the changes. I can’t say I’m ready, but I’m willing to go with God.

Bring on August.

Thanks for listening. A normal post tomorrow- guaranteed. smile Besides, dealing with this stuff is getting on MY nerves so I can imagine what having to read these posts are like! smile

Hope you had a great weekend. I love you girls.  I’m working on my feedback, slowly but surely! I might have the internet back next week!

Thanks for your friendship and support.

Welcome back.

i have a lot on my mind today

blue today.

it pretty much sums up how i’m feeling.

i so need a big fat hug and a whole bunch of genuine girlfriends to surround me with support. i say genuine because i’ve found it very hard to find true and loyal girlfriends that aren’t backstabbing and don’t glory in your defeat. i’m sure some of you can understand. anyway… why did i feel the need to say that?… i don’t know. i guess i’m saying please just listen to me today and be my friend and don’t think i’m crazy for my scattered thoughts.

i had a funny post all written up this morning that i was going to post when i got home, but that was this morning, and a lot has happened since 8:00. it was called “date night with fred and ethel mertz.” see, we were supposed to go out with them tonight because it’s her birthday. gasp. yes, that’s right, we were going to get the men in the same room together. i didn’t even have to drug and blindfold will to go along with it! i have to admit, i was nervous about seeing them interact together after their two little tiffs, but i was still excited about the evening. we haven’t been on a couple date since we’ve gotten here.

i had to cancel today.

i feel like the worst person ever and what makes me feel the worst is that she is the nicest person ever and responded in kindness and totally wanted to make sure will and i were okay. i love “ethel” lots and i let down my only friend in kuwait down on her birthday.

i feel so sad for that.

anyway, i so wish i could tell you all that is going on in my life but i can’t.

maybe soon…

i will say it entails the possibilty of packing up and going home. i know it’s hard to tell you all something that big and not explain why, but i just can’t right now.

i just got off the phone with will. we had a 15 minute phone converstaion about this topic. i hate talking about something this huge and important over the phone. i mean, this is honestly a huge life decision and it doesn’t need to be discussed on the phone.

we are both very emotional about the subject and don’t seem to see eye to eye, which is never a good thing when you are talking about something so massive.

it’s so funny because we totally flip-flopped our opinions regarding this matter. okay, it’s not funny at all. it’s strange and bothersome because for so long one of us has relied on the other to keep us going and then all of a sudden we totally changed positions regarding the matter. one of us has such a strong conviction about this whole mess that they are talking crazy things! okay, not crazy, but just things that totally surprised the other one.

going home in our first year was never ever an option. never. no matter how miserable we were or how terrible people were, we were going to tough it out. i mean, it’s no secret i hate my job, but i am resoved to be a finisher. 4 years is our long term goal, though i am positive that regardless of what we decide it isn’t anymore.

we have to have a decision by the end of this weekend.

no pressure or anything.

ha.

i don’t want to make the wrong decision and honestly God is no where to be found when i pray about this. i know He is, but i just can’t seem to “find” Him when it comes to what we’re supposed to do. i mean “hello!!! this is a huge life altering decision and i would some input from You!” He already knows that. maybe i’m trying to rush Him. His timing is much different than mine.

i just don’t know what to do and i so wish i could talk to someone. i don’t want my parents to know this stuff yet (ha okay- i’m writing for hundreds of people to read, one of them being a good family friend and i say i don’t want them to find out that we’re thinking these crazy thoughts… hmm...), so i can’t talk to them about it. besides, we could totally decide “dang it! we’re freaking staying 4 years!” this weekend and telling them something now when we ended up decided to go ahead and say is unnecessary.

i need so badly to pour my heart out and say all the things that i’m thinking but i simply can’t right now and that is the absolute worst. in fact, i probably said too much with the thoughts of leaving stuf.

on top of that we got some bad news about will’s dad. that was the kicker. will is so down today.

his dad is his hero.

i have only seen him cry twice the entire time we’ve been together and one of the times was this past fall when he was missing his dad. he loves that guy and so do i. i won’t go into details, because honestly, we don’t know a lot, but i know that is another mountain of yuck that has been added to our stress pile. keep will and his dad in your prayers. they have a special relationship.

i’m worried about will. i know that really made him sad. the worst thing is that on top of that stress we seriously need to come to a decision about what we’re going to do with the “other situation” and instead of just being there for him, i forsee us both getting upset because we don’t agree on what needs to be done. i told him i would really rather talk about all that stuff tomorrow and tonight just be together and hold each other. he, however, want’s to talk about it.

amazing! i can’ never get the guy to talk about feelings and junk and all of a sudden he turns into a woman. go figure.

my heart feels so heavy and burdened. i’m not the strong one, will is, and all of a sudden i have to be strong for so many reasons.

i feel so tiny, hence lowercase today. i’ve felt like that for a long time but today has magnified everything. i just feel like i’m floating in the middle of the ocean uncertain of everything.

part of me just wants to log off the computer and watch crappy usa high reruns on tv until will gets home

another side of me wants to cry my eyes out so i’m better by the time he gets home

that is one thing that i admittedly hate about living here. besides my family i don’t have that “one friend“ to go to. you know what i’m talking about. a girl has to have one of those and i don’t. today i need one!

sorry for being so ambiguous. i just need to sort things out today and since i don’t have anyone to vent to (besides my family and ethel, whose birthday is today which means it would be easier and faster for me to set her gift on fire rather than ruining the day by venting) i vent to my blog.

this is my blog and i can say whatever the crap i want, therefore i assume by now you’ve all dropped out of reading so i can continue to write all i want just to keep myself together and not have to think that once again my life could be uprooted and totally change in the blink of an eye.

i don’t want to think about that yet.

wow, this is turning into a pity party. i just reread my post and thought, “i sound terribly pitiful and desperate and ‘poor me.’“ i have so many awesome things in my life and i am full of joy for so many things, and i think you guys have known me long enough to know i have an overall cheerful disposition, so don’t think i’m a weirdo for posting all this stuff. it just comes down to the fact that this was going to be home for a long time and all of a sudden it might not be and my mind is racing.

i should also say that all of this is due to our own personal feelings. no one has said, “you have to make a decision whether or not you’re staying or going.“ it’s nothing like that at all. this is all us, though we do have to have a decision that soon for another reason.

boy i didn’t forsee my day turning out like this! i thought at this time the mertz family and the wb family would be slapping our legs in laughter and telling old college stories over johnny carino’s.

such is life huh?

i guess i have good news. i got my travel check for being with the company for 6 months. that was a nice little bonus today. i guess that is one positive point of the day.

another one is that i decided to become active in selling mary kay again, hence the link. i love their skincare line- especially the moisturizer- so i’m glad i made that move. i’ve been a consultant for a long tiem but haven’t really sold in ages. i took 4 orders this week. that’s more good news. i get to order fun make-up this weekend. i can ship anywhere so if you ever want anything email me!

okay, enough with the sales crap. i’m just trying to get myself out of this “poor me“ rut and realize that God is in control and no matter where we are will and i have eachother and that is key.

okay, i think it’s time to get off for now. sorry for the melodramatic post and “oh poor brittny“ talk because frankly, i annoyed myself with it and i love myself, so i’d hate to think what all of you guys who simply just “like“ me were thinking! smile

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it TONS!
I love you bunches.
Tomorrow is a new day- thank goodness.

I look forward to writing a normal post tomorrow.

*~*When life gives you lemons, cut them up, put them in your iced tea and thank God you’re a southern girl.*~*

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brittny I'm B-Love. Lover of God, my husband Will, my doggies, OU football, weight training, plyometrics healthy eating (mostly!), peanut butter, and all things health related. Buckle up and get ready for my constant embarrassing moments, health and fitness tips,and my effort to rely on Christ while living life in the real world. Follow me on Feedly! Sign up for monthly emails at blove@theblovelife.com!


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