Actually said to me today, “I can’t wait for you to get fat!”

Girls are so nice, right?

Done with school!

Well- for a few weeks anyway.

My final was on the brutal side. What the hell is ANOVA and why don’t I remember reading about it during the last 8 weeks!?

Geez.

It feels good to have my first semester under my belt. Now I can focus on Christmas week.

Any cleaning my house.

It’s the messiest place on earth. I need someone to put me on that Clean House Showa pit.

Anyway- now that I’m done and have a few weeks off I can focus on cleaning and the important stuff like reading all the Women’s Health magazines I’ve been putting off for the last four months.

It’s the big things that count, really.

Okay- enough complaining about my messy house. Trust me, I’ve been doing enough. In fact, Will looked at me yesterday and was like- “You’re done with school. Sit down. Breathe. Take a couple of days off before you jump into boiling the house. And seriously, seriously please stop complaining about how messy it is.”

I get it. I’m annoying. I told him I’d keep it to a minimum.

So let’s move on and let me share with you how CRAZY Oklahomans are during the holiday season.

I don’t know if any of you have been to Oklahoma, or know any Oklahomans, or have some sort of stereotype in your mind about what people from Oklahoma are like (um- and if you’re using me as a comparison method and the word “goofy” or “awkward” keep coming to mind?… well please disregard)

Anyway, I like to think that as a whole, Oklahomans are nice people.

Sorry- let’s say that correctly. Everyone, get a slight southern drawl ready, and here we go-

Oklahomans are Naaaiiiccce.

There. Much better.

Well, it’s not true.

At least during the holidays, that is.

Will and I had to go to the mall Saturday.

A quick trip to the mall.

Because we needed two gift cards- and nothing else.

However, we should have known that at this time of the year there is no “quick trip to the mall.”

You may have intentions for a quick trip, but there is nothing quick about the experience at all.

Virtually every other Oklahoman had the same plan.

A quick trip to the mall.

Oh- and before we go any further.

Who doesn’t have their Christmas shopping done by now!? GEEZ. Seriously.

Okay, granted Will and I had to grab one thing, which is probably what everyone else out and about today was doing, but still- Saturday’s experience alone is enough to remind me that any amount of shopping the week before Christmas is a bad idea.

A.Bad.Idea.

And I hardly ever do it. Except, the girl who was going to get our boss’ gift had to leave town unexpectedly which meant I had to go to the mall to secure the gift.

And yes, I say “secure the gift” in a Jack Bauer sort of fashion, because it truly was some sort of operative mission involving stealth and skill and the ability to have no Christmas heart- even if it means taking out an old lady clad in a cute fuzzy Christmas tree sweater, equipped with holiday lights and bells.

You just have to do it. It’s Christmas. The season of joy and giving stealing parking spots and fighting over the last hideous pair of fuzzy Christmas socks for Aunt Margaret.

Speaking of stealing parking spots- I totally fell victim to a terrible little Christmas hater Saturday. The mall was fuller than a kid who downed a whole plate of oreo truffles and butter cake. We were driving around, circling, circling… much like sharks around a wounded seal.

As soon as a spot opened up- BAMO- it was taken.

Well I dropped Will off to start shopping while I tried to find a place to park and came upon the best.spot.ever. It’s almost as if it was golden and beaming and surrounded by a beautiful virginal choir clad in white robes singing and rejoicing, welcoming me into their space.

Except- as I began to make my turn into the spot a mini van-

That’s right- a VAN

A small little van full of a little soccer mom and her snotty kids and their Capri Suns and raisins and Christmas sweaters-

flew out of nowhere and descended right into my spot!

I was flabbergasted.

I was angry.

I laid on the horn.

I felt slightly better.

Do you not believe in Christmas joy you soccer mom Scrooge!?!

Granted, I’m sure she needed the spot more than I did- but I didn’t care.

It was the Saturday before Christmas. At the mall. It was war.

Except I couldn’t really wage war since I needed to continue on my hunt for a viable parking spot. Even if it meant parking on grass. Across the street. In a sketchy apartment complex.

Whatever it takes, darn it.

I needed to make that purchase and nothing was going to get in my way. Not even a Honda van.

I finally found a parking spot and fought my way through the army of Christmas resistance Christmas cheer.

First stop? JC Penneys for Will’s grandma.

I walked in and was greeted by a smiley young and pretty employee handing out candy canes and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas.

Which made me breathe a little easier and loosened up my tense shoulders.

Ha.

It’s as if they knew that for 30 seconds I was going to forget about the hell that was the mall parking lot so that I would enter their store and stay.

Only to be confronted with the SAME parking lot hell machines only this time instead of being in the form of cars it was in the form of patrons!

That’s right!

Patrons!!!!

They’re so mean and competitive! Yes- it’s like a whole “sport.” Them against me. “Five yard penalty for cutting the person in line.”

“Unsportsman-like conduct on the receiving team!”

It was like a losing battle the whole time. Does anyone win the weekend before Christmas? Are the sales worth it? Can your blood pressure handle it?

Because I’m pretty sure mine couldn’t.

I crumbled like a week old cookie= “Go ahead, push me around. Go ahead take my spot! Hey- have my first born while you’re at it!”

That’s my passive aggressiveness showing itself.

What makes me laugh is that these same “patrons” that stole my spot and pushed and nudged me around all huffy and rudely are the same friendly faces you and I know and love and buy presents for!

It’s crazy!

What gets into us!?

It’s like all our tact goes right out the window.

It’s brutal.

It’s painful.

It’s not festive at all.

And thinking about the whole experience annoys me all over again. Rude Honda van spot stealer!!

...

I get it.

Much like the messy house complaining, I need to lay off the crazy Christmas shopper complaining too.

Merry merry Christmas- and I mean that in the most non-Oklahoma mall shopper way possible.

Hey what about you guys? I gotta believe it’s not just Oklahomans that morph into courtesy killers. What kind of Christmas shopping annoyances have you experienced this season?

More to come! Hey- I’m out of school for a while. Do I see more consistent posting in my future?!

1.I can’t blow my nose in public. I just can’t do it. In fact, when I feel like my nose may run in front of others I get all panicked and plan an escape route.

Yes you read right, an ESCAPE route. It’s like a whole Jack Bauer thing- what’s my exit strategy? Are there Kleenex nearby? What about a mirror to ensure there’s no post nose blow drippage?

Oh- and I should probably mention that I am an awful nose-blower. I don’t even think I could properly blow my nose until I was a teenager.

Wow- the fact that I’m volunteering this information? So great. Thank God I’m not looking to join the Junior League anytime soon. I’m pretty sure this is the stuff that you don’t tell others, right?

2. The first Will I ever loved, Prince William, is getting married. Which totally dashes my dreams of ever becoming a real princess. Granted, my marital situation sort of dashes that too, but I like to think Will would have been okay with me bring a princess. But now? Now Prince William is engaged and my dream is all over…

What about you? Any fellow Prince William crushes?

3. Guilty pleasure: secretly loving when I hear a rap song that mentions another rap song’s lyrics and being able to totally understand the reference and what song it comes from. You have to have lofty goals, my friends, lofty goals.

4. I realize I’ve neglected this blog a little in recent years, for a number a reason- mainly because I’m a lot more grown up than I was when I started this thing at the baby age of 21 (can you believe I’ve been blogging that long!?!). However, I was going through and looking at old posts the other day and realized:
a. How young and silly I sounded most of the time
b. How many freaking ANNOYING emoticons I used- how did you guys bear through these posts back then with a smiley after every
fourth word!?
c. How I still am that same girl but just a little older and wiser
d. How this blog is a continual reminder about how much I enjoy writing and sharing of myself. And it makes me realize what I enjoy
in life and what I’m good at and that maybe one day I’ll take a different path in my life to focus more on such things.

5. They’re making a new True Grit movie. Which makes me want to cry. I actually blogged about the first True Grit a few years ago, when Will
was on his John Wayne kick and we literally watched a new (ha well, new to us) movie of his every weekend. True Grit was pretty painful the first time for me- but it gave me so super great material to joke with Will about. “These corn pies taste like blood!” <- in the most Southern accent you can imagine of course. In fact- if you typed that phrase into my search bar I’m pretty sure the my post about John Wayne ( as well as 15 other things because, per number 4. Sub section a I sounded young and silly and scattered most of the time. Scattered… we should have added that to the list). Anyway- I have a feeling know I’ll be going to see that whenever it opens. A big sarcastic yay!

6. I don’t DVR it (cough- yet) but when I catch Teen Mom I totally watch it. Another awful guilty pleasure.

More to come!

I’m getting older. We all are. However, it seems like ever since I started school I’ve met this woman deep down inside of me that I never knew existed. Meet Grandma Brittny.

Grandma Brittny is alright… I suppose. I mean, she’s very concerned about coffee in the morning and obtaining ample fiber with breakfast.

She’s interested in the weather and whether it corresponds with the almanac.

She even wears big bulky socks to bed most nights.

She never watches the 10:00 news (because she’s already in bed, of course).

Guys- Grandma Brittny is KILLING Regular Brittny!

It’s like she’s taking over my body and is trying to control it remotely from some station in the clouds.

I don’t think I realized how bad it really was until a couple weeks ago. P and I FaceTime three mornings a week. We get ready together, which I find very fun.

“Should I wear the green shirt or the pink one?”

“Yogurt or eggs?”

“Ooh! That blush is so pretty!”

It’s great.

Anyway, the other morning we were talking and I mentioned how much I was loving my new deodorant and how wonderful it smelled. I went on and on about the stuff and how, “if they made it in a lotion in that scent I’d use it all the time.”

Finally P asked what kind I was using, and I told her, and she burst into laughter- “That crap smells like an old lady!!”

Busted.

I laughed, and agreed, and then cursed Grandma Brittny.

And then caved and had my FiberOne for breakfast- being sure to remember my multivitamin.

I had another similar encounter a few days ago before going to the gym.

I’m one of those annoying girls that sprays on the body spray before going to gym. In hopes of quelling the sweaty “yuck.” I noticed I was out of my old spray and used a new Bath and Body Works one Will’s mom had gotten for me last Christmas. I remember when I had gotten it I specifically said to Will, “ This stuff smells like something an old lady would wear!”

But because there was no receipt I wasn’t able to take it back. So, I kept it and figured I’d be able to use it for instances such as these- going to the gym, lazy days around the house, etc.

So I sprayed it on and headed to the gym. On my way there I began thinking, “Huh… this stuff doesn’t smell bad at all! In fact, it smells pretty great!”

I quickly realized what had happened. “Get a hold of yourself! Don’t you see what she’s trying to do!? She’s trying to weaken you!”

And I almost let her win.

So now I’m in full revolt mode. Out to take my life back and away from the feeble old hands of that old hag! Just because I’m in school again doesn’t mean I have to turn into a big Granny, right!?

I’m going out of my way to avoid bedazzlers and sweat suits in the mall, and eating Lucky Charms for breakfast. I’m cranking up the rap and avoiding the Hallmark channel.

Just regular old coffee? Pow! Extra shot of espresso please!

10:00 news? How about Conan!

Bulky socks? Lingerie!

I realize it’s petty, and it’s likely a matter of time before Grandma Brittny returns (and this time for good), but I’d like to think that’s still another 20 years away, you know?

So, when that day finally comes I’ll embrace Grandma Brittny with open arms- but until then? It’s war.

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! I hope you all had a great day. Mine was very nice. Will and I spent the day with his family and then came home and watched football. A pretty typical Thanksgiving day, but just what I needed. Plus I got to FaceTime with P which was pretty great too.

I’m looking forward to the next few days off. Today we got up late and didn’t do too much. I went to the gym in hopes of burning off a few of those thousands of calories I consumed yesterday (which was hopeless due to the gooey pumpkin BUTTER cake sitting in my fridge. Two sticks of butter is sitting in that cake pan. TWO STICKS. And Will isn’t big fan of pumpkin. Please don’t even tell me how long that means I’ll have to be on the treadmill. It will hurt too much).

We went and saw The Next Three Days- along with a plethora of others from Oklahoma. I guess I forget that seeing movies this time of year is sort of a “thing” people do. A post-Thanksgiving tradition, if you will. Much like Black Friday shopping, or putting up Christmas decorations. So now we’re home and contemplating pay per view movies. We shall see…

Tomorrow is a trip to Tulsa to see Will’s other side of the family. That will consume most of the day followed by the big game which will decide if we’re going to the Big 12 Championship or not. And then I’m scheduled to take Monday off! It’s my hope that I’ll be able to do so, but I might end up having to do some work but at least it will be at home, right?

So there you have it. As if you had even asked. Because I’m pretty sure you didn’t and I just volunteered it all.

More to come. We have lots to talk about!

1. We hardly ever have bread in our house. Like ever. Likely because I’m capable of eating an entire loaf in two days.It would be like an alcoholic keeping a bottle of Jose Cuervo in their pantry. Probably not a good idea.

2. There’s almost always a load of clean laundry piled atop the chest in our bedroom. I think Will would kill over if it was missing, so I like to keep it there for consistency’s sake. And to keep him alive.

3. I really love my sister. I know you know that, but recently (like the last couple of years) I’ve really, really grown to love her more. I think it has to do with our ages and where we are in our lives.

4. I really like the Bridget Jones movies. A lot. I’ve decided most either love or hate them. There’s not really an in between.

5. I like Extra Spearmint gum. I personally feel it’s the best.

6. I hope I made the right decision with a two year masters program. It has pros and cons. The pro is that you definitely aren’t as inundated as you are with a one year accelerated program. The con is that you spend two years of your freaking adult life doing school when you could have been done in a year.

7. I don’t own a coffee maker and I’m a grown woman. It’s probably more common than I think, but it’s sort of weird to me. Although Will doesn’t, I love coffee, and now that I’m back to school feel as though I may rely on it more. Perhaps I should invest in one.

8. I bought my first Scentsy last week. I think women are WAY too fanatical about that stuff. Yet, I became one of them and gave in and bought one. I’m skeptical because Will and I really like the Glade Plug-ins, mostly because we have Boz and Lucy inside with us and like to have a continual flow of good smelling-ness throughout our house at all times. With a Scentsy it only works when it’s on. Eh who knows. Perhaps I’ll be a crazy fanatical convert too. I’m just ready for it to come in!

9. I actually dreamed about APA citation last week. Who does that!?

10. Go download the YouVersion app if you haven’t already. It’s definitely been so great for me to have the Bible on my phone. There’s absolutely no excuse for me not to read it! In fact, I’ve spent several mornings reading as I blowdry my hair in the morning. So efficient.

More to come…

Food morning.

Yes.

You read that right.

FOOD morning.

In a letter to our customer, the Government.

Nice.

I’m pretty sure I’ve sealed my fatness for life.

In fact, you’ll probably find me in the broom closet later this afternoon with a giant spoon and a tub of vanilla frosting.

Aw hell, screw the spoon- people like us don’t use spoons.

Food morning.

I did an immediate recall.

But it didn’t work.

I’d like to blame it on the fact that the “f” and the “g” are right next to each other, but the sad truth is that it’s likely my deep subconscious acting out.

Geez… well at this rate all I can hope for is a Food afternoon.

1. Wake up on time. Even early perhaps.

2. Have a good balanced breakfast. You owe it to yourself- I mean you got up early, you have a big day ahead of you, go on- eat!

You’re making great time. You’re such a superstar and today is going to be great day.

3. Shower, do your hair, makeup, etc. Take your clothes off the hanger (the clothes you responsibly ironed the night before) and get dressed. You’re so nice to yourself. In fact- you even made your lunch ahead of time too! So squared away.

4. Gather your things and get ready to walk out the door.

5. Hear your dog vomit.

6. Spend five minutes cleaning it up, only to realize there’s more. There’s always more.

5. Finish cleaning. Gather your things (again) and getting ready to walk out the door.

6. Notice the huge Aquafresh toothpaste stain on your shirt. The left boob to be exact.

7. Contemplate going to work as is.

8. Change your mind and address the issue.

9. Finally leave for work.

10. Encounter traffic. Spend the next fifteen minutes swearing and going on and on about how you NEVER encounter traffic.

What terrible luck!? I mean- you made your lunch the night before, for crying out loud! You got up early! Early.

11. Get to work. Realize you forgot your laptop at home.

12. Get in the car, bang on the horn uncontrollably, and go home.

And don’t come back.

Don’t.come.back.

Or at least far less excuses! I’ve recently joined the 21st century and have an iphone! Up until a couple of weeks ago I was sporting a Razr- which was functional, don’t get me wrong, but now that I’ve had my new phone for a couple weeks I think to myself- how did I ever survive!? Okay so I’m exaggerating but it has definitely made life a lot easier and has allowed for more efficiencies in my life- which will now in include blogging! I can’t really have many excuses now. Although I will say typing this post from my phone has been sort of hard.

Excuses excuses! I guess I better start posting more to get my practice right?

Much more to come!

It’s funny that even after almost six and a half years of marriage I’m still all about proving a point. Sure, I fully acknowledge marriage is about give and take, open honesty, and all things good. But let’s face it- we’re still women, and we don’t like being wrong.

Which means there are times in which we do silly things out of “principle” to ensure we’re always right.

Let’s begin in 2008.

When we first moved from Kuwait and into our house the previous owners left some pretty maroon curtains behind. I had my own plan for the curtains in the living room, however they were nice and I didn’t just want to get rid of them. So- Will thought they would fit nicely in his future “man room,” fill of OU crimson memorabilia and all things boy. I sort of scratched my head as to how regal curtains such as these would fit into the Room O Testosterone- but whatever.

We took them down and hung them nicely in the closet of Will’s future OU room.

And didn’t think anything else of them.

Last spring, the spring of 2009 mind you, I was in Will’s room and came across the curtains. I had intended to get them dry cleaned after taking them down but had long forgotten to do it, so I decided what better time to get these curtains dry cleaned?

I took them to my local dry cleaners that spring. The spring of 2009. I dropped them off- 4 curtains total (they were doubled up on each side of the rod) and was on my merry way.

Hmm… let’s camp out at the dry cleaners for a second. It’s somewhat necessary for the story.

To my knowledge there are only 2 dry cleaners in close proximity to me. This one, and another one. This one is what I would consider a “fancy” dry cleaners. Mainly because I’m a dork. It’s in a nice shopping center and the building is nice and the inside is nice and the people are nice, and well- it’s just nice. I feel like my clothes are properly tagged and put away and nicely cared for.

And the other one? Well it’s okay. I’m sure it’s a quintessential dry cleaners. Only, when compared to the “nice” dry cleaners, it just seems pretty dumpy. I don’t like going in there and I fear that as soon as I drop off my clothes they’re being worn my some old cougar with fuchsia lipstick.

So now that we have an understanding of the differences of my dry cleaning establishments, let’s move on.

A few days later I returned to the nice dry cleaners and paid and picked up the crimson curtains. I brought them home and put them in Will’s closet, where Will proceeded to tell me, “You know… those don’t look as thick as before. Are you sure you got all of them?”

Rolling my eyes “Yes, Will, I got all of them.”

“Are you sure? I’m telling you, I really thought these looked thicker.”

“Yes, Will. I’m sure. I wouldn’t have forgotten them.”

And then on and off for the next three days Will proceeded to make comments about how he really thought the curtains looked fuller before and how he was afraid I didn’t get all of them.

To which I continued to assure him that he was wrong, and I was right.

What’s funny about this whole scenario is that neither of us ever bothered to open the plastic bag they were wrapped in to count them.

Ha.

Anyway- about 2 weeks later, during the spring of 2009, I received a phone message from the nice dry cleaners. They had my curtains! I had in fact only picked up 2 of the 4 and I needed to get the rest! Opps. So now not only was I wrong, but I had to pick up the rest of our curtains and somehow explain to Will that he was right and I had not paid attention- despite promising that I had.

Which wasn’t going to happen.

Unfortunately, through a series of events, I never went and picked up the curtains.

And every three months or so, the nice dry cleaners (because they’re so darn friendly, of course!) called and left me messages to pick up my freaking curtains.

Only for some reason, like a bad episode of Seinfeld, the calls deterred me from going. Too much time had passed! It would be too awkward! I was “that annoying girl with the two curtains!” I just couldn’t do it. Not to mention I wasn’t going to be wrong. Let’s not forget that whole matter.

Which is funny too because at some point Will would have opened up the bag to hang those girly curtains in his man’s room only to realize he was missing two.

However, when you’re doing stupid things such as avoiding picking up curtains YOU OWN from your dry cleaners, you’re just not thinking logically.

...

Okay, so anyway-

Let’s not forget that throughout this time I still had to get my clothes dry cleaned. Only, I for sure couldn’t go to the nice cleaners! How could I show my face there? I was the weird girl with a complex that wouldn’t pick up her curtains FOR NO GOOD REASON. So, I had to resort to the sketchy cleaners.

And soon realized that I couldn’t do that for long.

And then it turned 2010.

A new year. A year of new chances. Perhaps I would pick up my curtains?

The truth is, by then I had totally forgotten about those curtains. I mean, it had almost been a year. A year!

So pathetic.

I was quickly reminded of the curtain issue yet again when I needed to get something dry cleaned. Only I didn’t and nicely laid the item to the side in my closet.

And did it again.

And again.

And again.

Until my nice little pile became a little ridiculous. Plus I’m pretty sure Will began to wonder what in the world I was doing.

“Oh sorry honey- I don’t want to risk you coming home while I’m sneaking in the curtains I swore to you were already there!”

Did I mention pathetic?

At the time it didn’t seem so awful. Only now do I realize how utterly ridiculous I was.

So, two weeks ago I got another call from the cleaners saying that if I didn’t pick up my curtains within 30 days they were going to get rid of them.

I mean, even nice dry cleaners have their limits, right? Understandably.

So I realized I was going to have to do something. I began laughing to myself over the whole entire series of events, which meant I had to share my story with someone.

My mom and sister are visiting for a couple of weeks, so I told the whole lame story to them- which made them laugh. Of course they had the same expected questions of, “Why didn’t you just get them!?” and “Didn’t you think about the fact that at some point Will would have found out there were only 2 curtains instead of 4?”

Good times.

Anyway, we had a good laugh about the whole thing and I decided that I was going to go in there and get those freaking crimson curtains. I was going to use the whole, “My phone changed and I just checked my messages recently” excuse.

You know, because that makes perfect sense.

So I was resolved to go and do it, only later that day I got a text from my sister telling me that she had beat me to the punch. Apparently my mom went and got them for me! And not only that, but that awkwardness I had feared for so long? Wasn’t there at all. My mom had used the truth, “I have been out of the country for a while,” which made me laugh. What’s really annoying is that I had already paid for the curtains! I’m so weird sometimes.

My mom had saved the day, and I really could have taken care of the whole thing an entire YEAR before, had I not been such a crazy.

The only thing that remains now is to bring them home, as they are currently hiding out in my parent’s house. After having to go through this whole rigamarole I wasn’t about to just parade them into the house, so I will sneak them in later this week.

Because that’s what crazy wives do. And they’re always right.

Always right.