I don’t work at CTU.

I wish I did.

Everytime I watch an episode of 24 I become enthralled with the whole idea of working for CTU L.A. I mean- think about it! They have some wild and crazy excitement-

“Where are we going to drop this nuclear bomb so no one gets hurt, Jack?”

“There is a flesh eating disease on the loose that is certain to destroy the entire U.S. if we can’t configure something really important and nifty on our super speedy computers!”

“Oh no! Nuclear meltdowns are going to destroy the planet. Quick Edgar- type something up really fast and make it stop!”

See what I mean? There’s never a dull moment down at CTU. I bet even on days when they’re not in constant communication with the President, or being chased by mountain lions, or kicking a nasty heroin addiction, they’re also not perusing Yahoo Sports to catch last night’s highlights. That’s too “normal” for them. They have much bigger and important things to do that all that- afterall, you never know when the next psycho mass murderer terrorist is going to pop up!

I always laugh when people at my office tell me they’re too busy to have a staff meeting, or too stressed to sign a few papers. People! You don’t know stress! Jack Bauer? That guy knows stress. Try faking your own freaking death and causing your loved ones pain and then “surprise!” you jump out from behind a tree to show them you had to “die” to stay safe. Or finding out your best pal and former girlfriend is not only a super crazy traitor our to destroy the Earth (insert evil laugh:Mwwwahahahaha), but also the woman that killed your beloved wife. See? Stress.

I love when someone asks Chloe to divert her attention to another task and she’s all, “I’m really busy right now, Tony! I don’t have time to trace and locate where the bomb is!” Being too busy to locate a bomb? Now THAT is being too busy.

I don’t work at CTU.

Yet you’d think that I do.

Everything is catastrophic. Everyone is scrounging, stressing, constantly on edge. I just don’t get it. I’m just as bad as all the others, but yesterday I had this huge and profound moment in which I thought to myself, “You know, this isn’t CTU. Things are going to be okay. If I don’t finish everything on my desk today people will not be faced with flesh eating bacteria. It will all be okay.”

Silly- but so true.

See, I got a raise (!!!), but with this raise came new “big girl” responsibilities. I’m loving everything I’ve been working on, but most of the day I feel like I want to throw up because I’m so nervous about making sure everything is perfect.  A lot of that is because I’m so new to a lot of the work, but also, people put a lot of pressure on this office. That led me to yesterday’s “CTU Revelation.”

I will say one other perk to the raise was that I got to move offices. I’m now one door closer to the BIDFY (see yesterday’s post), and well, I don’t have to tell you what that says about my status around here (ha ha).Yep, Pre-tty important (ha ha). That one door makes such a huge difference (totally lying). I’m sooo much closer to the bathroom now (again. lying.)

It’s all about BIDFY status, guys. If I can’t work at CTU, at least I can be one door closer to the crapper.

I’m supposed to be wearing a lightweight white sweater today.

However, as it turns out, I’m wearing more of an “orange-creme” sweater (the fancy color name makes me feel better).

I literally got dressed in the dark today.

Well, partially dressed, that is. I had everything on and was ready to go. I’m wearing a sleeveless shirt so I have to have something on top- a white sweater! Will was still sleeping when I got ready this morning, so I quietly grabbed the sweater, threw it on, and left. Afterall- I already knew what I looked like for the day. I just imagined that plus a white sweater. No need for a mirror check.

I got to work, did my normal thing for about 3 hours and then went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized what a disaster I was wearing! Apparently My white sweater got mixed in with the colors, because I’ll shades of oranges and reds. How in the world could I have missed that!? Even in the dark!?! It’s practically glowing. I’m like a walking orangey polk-a-dotted mess. Hmm, actually, it’s more of a tie-dye. It had a small comeback what, like 7 years ago? Sadly, however, I don’t think I can pull today’s look off as a fashion statement.

Note to self: Always, always get dressed with a light on.

***
PS- I also wanted to say thanks so much for the sweet and genuine words of encouragement when I needed it. I appreciate your thoughts so much. I felt so much better after reading what you had to say. It was also nice to meet some of the “lurkers (Hi Sara, Lydia, Megan! Well, Megan, I guess you don’t fully count. I hope you’re doing great!).” I feel a peace and a lot better about the whole thing. Thanks for listening.

I’m about to offend about 85% of you- so I apologize in advance. Please don’t hate me after reading this post. Simply agree. If you don’t agree, well, then I’m afraid I’ll have to come to your house and force compliance. This forced compliance I speak of will involve a lot of John Tesh cds and socks recovered from the army gym three weeks ago. For both our sakes- please, PLEASE agree.

I hate bluetooth ear pieces.

No, wait.

I DESPISE bluetooth ear pieces.

In fact- if you have one of those Secret Service freaking ear goiters in your ear right now, please, dispel of it right away.

Or at least until you’re done reading.

Guys- they’re driving me crazy!

Crazy, Crazy, Crazy!

Now- they’ve gotten on my nerves ever since they came out, but today- today I’ve been tempted to run up and down the halls of my work playing the role of the Ear Piece Bandit.

No wait- the Ear Piece Thief. That sounds even better.

Today I’ve fallen prey to the stupid freaking bluetooth ear pieces not once, but twice.

Maybe you poor souls have fallen prey to Attack of the Talking Ear Piece too?… If so I apologize.

I’ll tell you what happened during the 2nd attack. I call it The Accidental Join-in Attack.

I had to deliver a document to one of the “big wigs” in my company. I walked into his office with a friendly smile, information in hand.

He looked directly at me and said, “So what are you going to do about it?”

I gave him a look of confusion. “Well, I can set these on the table, if that will work.”

“That’s not good enough!” he replied.

I was baffled. Well! What the crap do you expect me to do!? Serve the papers at your feet while holding a tray of assorted grapes, cheeses, and olives!?!

“Well.. I could-” I began…

Ouch. I got the abrupt cut-off.

“Hang on. Someone is in my office” he said, clearly annoyed at my confusion. He took the papers, looked me in the eye. “Anything else?” he asked.

“No. Not at all.”

I turned around to leave but then stopped.

“Actually! There IS one thing you could do. You could warn someone that you’re on the phone for crying out freaking loud!! What a CRAZZZZY thought- right!?! I mean REALLY- you’re not THAT important. Can’t you hold the desk phone like all us “commoners” do? Ugh. This is your final warning. If I catch you pulling anymore Accidental Join-in Attacks on anyone else. Well, you don’t want to know what could happen.”

I then angrily stormed out.

...

Okay, I’m lying. The truth is that I really wanted to say that, but instead humbly said no and walked out of the office.

So you want to wear a fancy schmancy ear piece. Fine. But c’mon- can’t we establish some sort of social set of rules for these freaking things?

RULES! I NEED RULES PEOPLE!

I accept that these are becoming an “integral” part of society- like the cellphone, laptop, and jeans on Casual Fridays- but I think we need to monitor our freaking usage.

I mean, okay, so you want to talk and drive a car using both hands. Understandable. But really, do we have to have the ear piece glued to our face everytime we make a move?

I think ear piece wearers gotta let people know they’re on the phone the second non ear piece wearers start joining in on the conversation, innocently thinking you’re talking to them. We can’t fault the innocent Join-Ins for not knowing someone is on the phone.

I rest my case. I think we both know I could ramble on, but really- it’s not necessary.

Thanks, I feel better now. In fact, I feel a freaking extra-normal life update post in my future. Perhaps Wednesday.

I’m staring at this picture of a lab student with geeky protective eye wear.

He’s on my ink cartridge box. HP 35 something or other. Maybe you’ve seen him?

After staring all day I’ve concluded he’s sort of cute. Well, sans the goofy eye wear of course.

Yes, my friends, it’s been another boring day in Kuwait. I won’t complain, though. It was pandemonium for a long time. The break has been much welcomed.

I’ve visted every single site I can think of (twice), and figured there’s no better way to kill time than to post! If I’m bored, well, you all have to be bored too.

Being bored is a funny thing. I plays tricks on my mind. It makes me “hungry.” It makes me “tired.” It makes me “homesick (AHH! It’s attack of the quotation marks!!!).” The “ “ use is due to the fact that I’m really not any of those things (well… except homesick). Being bored just magnifies the need for me to think I am all of those things. Especially hungry. Then again, I always think I’m hungry. I don’t have to be bored for that one at all.

I think I’ve gone to the bathroom 11 times today. Again with the mind tricks.

“Hmm. I’ve got nothing to do.... I know! I’ll go pee!” Because that’s what everyone does when they’re bored, right?

Probably not.

Most people become creative geniuses when they’re bored. Do you think Beethoven was a busy guy!? Ha- think again. I think I read somewhere that he spent 22 hours a day staring into space. Okay, that’s a lie- but I’m trying to convey that most people channel their boredom into masterpieces. I’ve yet to steer my boredom towards creative wonder. I can blame this on the fact that this job is rarely boring- or the truth, which is that I’m not good with creative wonder.

Wow. I have to pee again. Or at least I think I do.

Hoping your day is a little more eventful than mine…

Oh if only.

Oh if only I could talk about work. Do you guys realize what kind of material I have!? I could post for days. Weeks. Years. It’s good stuff I tell you.

The trouble, however, is that I yapped my trap a lot back during The Nest blogging era and a couple people caught wind of it.

It ruined our fun, guys. Don’t they want us to have fun!? I guess not.

We’re in The No Fun Zone apparently.

There have been so very many times I wish I could log into my blog and fire off the post of a lifetime, only to harness my zeal deep down inside and remember I work in The No Fun Zone.

Can I just say it sucks and isn’t fair!?! I spend almost 13 hours a day working, driving to work, looking at people at work… that’s alot of freaking time!

What else am I supposed to write about? Apparently nothing (Apparently. What a fun word. In fact, I’ve already used it twice… The word of today,kids, is “Apparently.” Each time you hear the word “Apparently” used in a sentence, jump up out of your seat, do a lap around your cube, toss ice water in your face, and yell, “Woot!” Then sit back down as if nothing ever happened.) .

Yep. The Forces of Work have spoken: “Thou shalt not blog about anything remotely juicy or interesting. Instead thou art resigned to crappy half-baked posts. Oh, and PS- James in Accounting needs yellow post-its.”

“C’mon Forces of Freaking Work! You don’t want me to suffer, do you?… Okay, maybe you do, but you don’t want my blog to suffer, right? That’s what I thought. So hows about you throw me a bone and give me some work leeway?”

To which they respond, “No! Because of your spitefulness you are hereby sentenced to one year of boring non-work related posts. In addition, you must wear beige stirrup pants, black loafers, and an oversized hypercolor t-shirt every other Friday.

Mmm. Wait. Beige stirrup pants are pretty brutal. I will show thee mercy. 6! 6 months of boring non-work related posts.”

“Stirrup pants and hypercolor tees!? What have I done to deserve such a sentence!?”

“Brittny, my child, you absolutely can not or will not post about work. It’s uncouth. It’s tacky. It’s just plain wrong. We forbid you to talk about how your coworker doesn’t wear undies to work, or how you have a manager who doesn’t know how to do anything in PowerPoint and therefore must spend 2 days feverishly drawing what the 25 slide presentation will look like so you can do it for them on the computer and they can take the credit.

There will be no talk of how you actually told a coworker you bet she was a good bulimic (by the way!- you’re a freaking idiot moron! Did you realize how horrible that was going to sound when it came out!? I highly doubt it.) or how you secretly spray Oust in your boss’s office when he’s not looking, simply so you don’t suffocate from the carcinogens (is he ever going to stop smoking in his office!?). He’s so on to you, by the way.

Wake up woman! There’s simply too many dangerous stories and we, The Forces of Work, must safeguard them for all eternity. Or at least until you get another job.”

“Umm, Forces of Work?”

“Yes?”

“You do realize you just told the blog world a few of my work stories.”

“Uh...well...mmm...uh...”

“Just say it, Forces of Work- you’re a freaking idiot.”

“Yeah.

Apparently.”

Why does my boss come in my office and smoke?

Oh wait- I’ll be a little more technical.

Why does my boss come into my office, stand halfway inside the door and smoke, trying his best to blow the billowy clouds of death away from me as he looks right at my face and speaks?

It doesn’t work.

1. Read about 234 blogs 2 different times in hopes that maybe, just maybe, someone updated their freaking blog at 4:00 a.m. Eastern Standard Time

2. Logged my food into Sparkpeople.

3. Checked out the Iron Maidens Spark Group page.

4. Thought maybe I should totally join.

5. Read some entries from the Iron Maidens.

6. Changed my mind.

7. Sat and stared at this blank screen for about 16 minutes, debating if I wanted to post.

8. Decided to go to Fitness Magazine instead.

9. Got bored really fast.

10. Sprayed my french vanilla air spray in the room because I had tuna for lunch and, well, I don’t have to tell you that would totally knock anyone into the opposite wall, striking them unconsious.

11. Accidentally went to this scary lady’s website that had muscles on top of muscles and scary twitchy veins protruding from every angle of her body.

12. Clicked off really quickly.

13. Splashed cold water on my face to take away the shock.

14. Looked at my list of things to do four times.

15 Realized I haven’t done freaking any of them and thought to myself, “I should get on that!”

16. Decided to get on my list right after lunch.

17. Or Thursday at the latest.

18. Went to the nest to see if I missed it. Decided maybe I do.

19. But seriously? Not so much.

20. Checked out about 13 more of the “famous people” blogs. Thought to myself, “These bloggers are so cool.” Yes, that’s right I have some sick adoring elementary school puppy love crush on famous bloggers. I admit it.

21. Stared into space.

22. Wished I would have went out for lunch instead of sitting at my desk.

23. Totally spied on what my coworker was looking at online. I think she noticed. Quickly looked away and pretended to be busy.

24. Looked over my workout plan for tonight.

25. Actually wished someone would come into the office to give me work.

26. Quickly snapped out of it and changed my mind.

27. Remembered I needed to call Will.

28. Decided I’d do it after I posted about the thrilling things I did on my lunch break.

29. Frantically searched for a Crystal Light On-The-Go Pack, only to realize that I didn’t have one.

30. Cried.

31. Checked my email. When nothing new was waiting in my inbox I loudly complained, “What!?! People’s fingers don’t work anymore!?!”

32. Had my coworker look at me as if I was twitching out on some unidentified substance.

33. Watched her write something down about my odd behavior.

34. Decided to keep it down for the remainder of lunch.

35. Jammed out to my iPod.

36. Almost posted about the top 30 song you need to freaking download now.

37. But obviously, as you can see, didn’t.

38. Contemplated the Presidental election.

39. Wondered what I would say on MTV’s Rock the Vote if I ever ran for President.

40. Wondered if they even did that on MTV anymore.

41. Decided that if they didn’t, I wouldn’t run for President.

42. Wondered if I could pull off Hillary’s hair cut.

43. Started laughing.

44. Remembered I decided to keep it down for the rest of lunch.

45. Stopped laughing.

46. Remembered that my eyebrows were slowly taking my face over.

47. Made a note to add, “Make an eyebrow appointment” to my list of things to get right on after my lunch.

48. Decided I really needed to pee, but changed my mind because it’s too freaking hot to walk to the bathroom.

49. Checked the weather forecast for Kuwait this week.

50. Cried.

51. Decided I definetly need to take my lunch out of the office tomorrow.

I’ve been a baby snatcher, but now I’m a coffee snatcher and I feel like huge coffee snatching dork.

This morning one of my former coworkers came in with 2 steaming Starbucks coffees. One happened to be for my new coworker. He handed it to her and set the other cup down.

I joked about how thoughtful he was for bringing coffee. I then reached for the 2nd cup and was all like, “So what did you bring us!?” As I pick up the cup I realize it’s almost empty. He then was like, “Oh, uh, I didn’t bring you anything. Sorry. I just stopped by because I told _____(my new coworker) that I’d bring her coffee.”

Ugh, rejected by a Grande Mocha Latte with skim milk and 3 sugars. Could things get any more awkward!? Here I was thinking I was going to get a morning surprise by my old coworker only to be pushed to the back rack like priced slashed white linen capris in the middle of December. What a way to start the morning. I could have used a big flavored coffee too.

I must say, I felt very loved and remembered by the many responses and questions regarding my new job. The fact that you guys remembered that I got a new job really touched my heart. I know that may seem silly, but half the people that I know in real life didn’t even remember, so when you did, I felt loved.

The truth is, it’s only my 3rd day and I feel like I’ve got about 3 weeks of blogging material! I’m not really sure what to say and where to start. I will simply say, I think I’m going to enjoy my job. The things I’m learning here are building blocks I will be able to use anywhere and that’s always a good thing.

The office dynamic, however, is a different story. I think the for the most part the office is a great group of people, but I think I just happened to start at the worst time. I guess there have been some things mounting and then yesterday they just exploded. Half the office was in tears, and today has been the same scenario with an investigation, an administrative leave (the person this is happening to was my trainer, which means I have no one to show me my job), and a termination- and then Here I am, goofy Brittny in my own little ivory tower world with absolutely no clue about what is going on!

I swear, the second I walk into an office trouble ensues! I must be a big black storm cloud walking from place to place tossing lightening bolts at people or something. What bad luck.

So, my first few days have been sort of a whirlwind and I feel like I’m being thrown in the fire.Talk about sink or swim! The one person that knows their job and is supposed to show me what they do is going to be gone and I’m left to figure it all out myself.

There you have it. My first few days in a nutshell! I feel pretty clueless about everything, but with all the madness it’s probably a good thing. I only wish I knew my job better, but maybe this is an opportunity for me to shine? I hope so. I have this terrible feeling like I know I’m supposed to feel stressed because I know the enormous pressure on this department and my position, but I have no idea what to be stressed about, so I’m just sort of in a holding tank.

Are you sorry you asked about my job? Ha ha, I had no idea it would be like this either, but I have to believe once this all blows over it will be okay and I will enjoy what I’m doing. Let’s hope so, right!?

I hate job talk.  I know I’m boring you all to tears, but it felt good to tell someone my day. I obviously can’t tell anyone outside my department about the overhaul that occurred today (though they’ll obviously find out on their own), so I feel a little relieved getting it all out.

If only I had the slightest clue what I’m doing.

Just look cute, smile, and pretend- right?

Let’s hope so.

PS- I forgot to wear deoderant this morning. Ugh.

It really is time for me to go- in more ways than one.

I got a freaking new job guys.

I type this to you in shock.

Here I was, getting on to write my last post from Kuwait and say my goodbyes and mention how I’m going to suck at feedback for the next week or so-

and then it happened.

I got a new freaking job.

For all my nestie friends that have known me for a long time now, you guys might remember the constant whining and crying about my current job. You’ve been with me through the days of the Emperor in Waiting, and then the New Emperor, Scotty, and everything in between. I’ve posted about it a lot over the last year. And then you might remember that a few weeks ago I mentioned applying for another job. Well- that “another job” is the job I got.

I’ll be honest. i’ve sort of been holding out on you guys for about a week (I’m terrible, I know). I got a call from the department manager last week saying he wanted to hire me, even knowing I’m getting the hell out of here for a month in a half (again, the praise chours lets out a deafening shout). He said he didn’t care and he wanted to hire me and we could work out everything else later.

So-

I got the call, and the call was great.

But it was just a call.

I still had to wait on the molasses of a HR department to process everything while I did the “Please let everything go through smoothly” dance. So, I’ve been dancing about a week now.

I thought I was going to have to dance during my vacation too. Nothing ever happens in a timely manner here. It’s like the heat zaps our will to work or something.

So, I’ve been doing the “Please let everything go through smoothly” dance for a week, extrememly stressed that I had to trust other people to make sure this all happens (I hate relying on people that don’t really care what happens to your crap, you know?).

In fact, I’ve been so stresseed over recent events that this weekend Will and I got into a tiff over how I worry incredibly too much (he’s right). I decided this morning that he was right.

During my time with God this morning I gave my worries to him. I told him that I knew that the department wanted to hire me and that I knew I just needed to trust that God was big enough to take care of all the things that I was worrying about. I stopped trying to be in control of the situation and simply gave everything over to him.

Well..

God was faithful. This morning I got a call from HR saying everything was ready to go and I was clear to freaking start tomorrow!
That’s right ladies!

Bye Bye Marketing Admin!

As of tomorrow I’m officially a brand new woman!

I got a really fast paced, always changing job in a great department. Basically, our department justifies why our company is here and why the army needs to keep us. It’s a huge job with constant negotiating and writing up proposals, and I’m so excited to be apart of it.

Yay! Brittny has a new job!

So, my secret is out and you all know. I’ve really wanted to tell you but I thought I better wait until I knew for sure everything was taken care of.

Like I said, I thought I was going to get on today and talk trip stuff and in turn I had job stuff to talk about too!

Now lets talk trip stuff.

That’s right.

I’m entitled to a really long post right? Afterall, I’m not going ot be posting for a few days! I know you guys are all dying ot know my itinerary for the first few days (ha ha), so let’s get to it!

I start my new job tomorrow. It will sort of be weird starting a brand new job tomorrow knowing that tomorrow night I’m gone fr 45 days, but nonetheless it should be an interesting day and very fast paced. I’m also attending a quickly thrown together appreciation luncheon for yours truly too, so the day will fly.

We fly out tomorrow at midnight.

We get into Minneapolis on Monday afternoon (I love flying to the states and gaining all that time back, it’s great). From the airport we’ll probably check into our hotel and go straight to the Mall of America. They have a Cingular there and we’ll get temporary numbers for our phones for the next month or so. After that it’s off to Don Pablos where we’ll have our first American meal (actually, we have “American food” all the time here… but you know what I mean). From there it’s back to the hotel so Will can…

you guessed it…

watch Monday night Football.

I’m sure I’ll be extremely tired from all the travelling and I will conk out while he’s watching the game. Plus i’ll need my sleep becuase the next day is shopping at the MOA!

Okay okay, I know you’ve heard enough of my life for today. We’re bringing our laptop so you won’t miss a thing! ha ha, lucky you. So, you’re not rid of me. Sorry guys!
Speaking of which, I figured I might as well be honest and say I’m going to suck at reading blogs for the next week or so. I promise I’ll be keeping up while I’m home though, it will probably just take me a lot longer than normal!

So that’s my big update. I’m trying to type quickly because I didn’t expect to leave tomorrow and I have a few loose ends I need to tie up before I go (ahahahhhh! I still can’t believe it’s all happening!!!).

I love you guys.

Say goodbye to the admin,

Say goodbye to the girl in Kuwait.

See you all soon! Well, not really, but at least I’ll be a lot closer!

We got a new guy in the office today.

It’s such a funny thing- new people.

I feel so sorry for the guy. It’s like everyone in the office has become a 5 year old male St. Bernard and they’re out to hump his leg as long as it takes to get some attention.

Seriously, this guy’s poor leg. It’s getting more action than Paris Hilton. Don’t you think a St. Bernard would make you fall over? They’re huge, right? Well, apparently this guy is The Hulk because he’s patting their heads and is like (in his best “dog voice”):

“You’re such a good boy! Yes you are! Yes you are! You love your new boss, don’t you? Don’t you? Now, get down! Get down!” And they (well notsomuch they, it’s more one head St. Bernard I’m talking about) get down for like 5 seconds and then are back on him like Aqua Net on a Texas Woman (sorry Sarah, I know you don’t have big Texas hair). Did I say I feel bad for the guy? I do.

What is it with new people that make us act like raging lunatics!?

I mean, we attack them with “This is THE way- the ONLY way things are done. We’ve done things this way forever and you need to learn it and never ever think outside the box.”

We bombard them with our rules, “social systems”, what to do , what not to do, and we end up making their heads spin because we’re talking (literally!) 1,00 words a minute and wonder why at the end of the day the guy is rubbing his temples.

Seriously- we start talking like the micro machine guy (do you remember him? From those 80s commercials?) and dislocate his poor shoulder from dragging him here and there with so much zest and enthusiasm (as well as making sure to point out all the negative aspects of the system- zestfully and enthusiastically, of course).

Rule number one- be warm, be friendly, be available to answer questions, but don’t maul the guy! Gah. Seriously! I guess this is the PR degree in me coming out. I’ve just sat back and watched all day. One thing that has already bugged me is how (subconsciously) he has begun to reciprocate the things he’s learned. Long story, but the short of it is that it’s pertinent. “We’ve” fed this poor guy with so much:

“They system here sucks, things are bad, we feed your children to HR, blah blah blah”

and instead of being eager to begin work and make change, you sort of feel a little disenfranchised your first day. Anyhow, I think he will be really good for the department, despite all the leg humping and negative talk from the St. Bernard.

I just had to post to tell my future employer (whoever you may be) to please never hump my leg to death. Just be available to show me things and answer questions. My leg can’t take it, and really, someone will totally end up writing in their blog about you.

Thank you very much and have a nice day!

Short post today (perhaps a recent record for me??). As always, more to come…