I fly out of Oklahoma tomorrow morning before the sun comes up.

Why is it that even when you’re flying before the majority of normal people are even waking you have to be at the airport at least an hour early to check in?

I think that’s ridiculous.

So much so that I want to arrive a little later tomorrow- but Will won’t let me.

Because he’s boring and isn’t a risk taker like I am (ha ha).

I’ve never flown for “business” before.

Granted the entire human public probably has at least one, but for some reason I’ve been thinking about it like its something really fun and grown up.

You know- because waking up before God, applying your make-up in the car, and sitting next to all sorts of weirdos “on business” is LOADS of fun.

Ha.

Every time Will and I would fly in the mornings I would cringe at all the “business people” travelling around us. Obnoxiously talking extra loudly on the phone- informing the entire world of their latest win or new business prospect. Their gigantic laptop bags the size of a large marsupial. The way that none of them ever.use.mints…

Cringe.

Retired blogger Sarah is a frequent business traveler (and never violates any of the abovementioned annoyances, I’m sure) and I’ll never forget her trick for how to cope with a smelly nearby passenger- she puts nice smelling lotion under her nose and it fights the funk for the flight’s duration. It makes me laugh every time when I think about it (I’m not sure why), but it’s a very good and practical idea. One I would highly recommend. As someone who has used it many times myself I will say it works amazingly- unless you’re on a transatlantic journey. Then? Not so much. You’re pretty much on your own on that flight. Every stinky man for themselves.

Was flying ever fun to you? When I was little it was a big deal and so.much.fun. Now it’s the biggest frustration that keeps me from where I am and where I want to be.

It is right about here -> in which I would be extremely positive and try to think of fun and exciting ways to make flying bearable. But yeah- why tease ourselves? It’s just a day trip, so the nice thing is that I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed.

Instead of lamenting over getting up at 1:58- I’ll watch The Mentalist, try to enjoy my two hours of sleep, and anticipate my 8:00 Venti Skim Latte. On business.

Venti Skim Lattes.

Heart.

Tomorrow will be great, I know it.

And hey- if nothing else it will provide a plethora of blogable material.

The following is an “everyday,” typical email exchange with my sister. My emails are in bold, hers are regular.I realize the fat talk gets old after a while, but I promise we switch topics from Panamanian prisons, to calculating tips, to even our own reality show during this conversation- so hang with me.These took place on two different days, but they flowed so well I lumped them together. Let the madness begin...

I just ate a whole pint of chocolate ice cream.

And it wasn’t even GOOD ice cream.

I think that that calls for me to use the elliptical tomorrow for the first time since last summer. I feel like I should celebrate this red-faced, sweaty momentous occasion with a donut or something.

**

Ha ha. I just had a large Java Chiller from Sonic- which is basically a whole pint of chocolate ice cream with a hint of coffee. I didn’t go to the gym at all this weekend and I had olive garden WITH dessert yesterday.

Fat.

**

Ughhh I KNOW. And- ugh i just don’t want to go back to school. I say we quit talking crap and book the tickets.

PS- I hope your Olive Garden dessert was good.

**

It was. Black tie. Yum. Plus I had fettuccine (um how in the world do people expect you to know how to spell that!?) which- well- you know how amazing that is.

We’ll sort all the logistics out when we get there. Although “fat,” I’m sure some Panamanian would love to give us a job at Panama Jacks waitressing. The only trouble is that I would suck at getting proper change and would most likely get us fired in a hurry.

**

Ha, that’s SO TRUE. Somehow the tip would be like “10% of 100” or something. Then we would get charged with embezzlement for taking an extra 80 dollars. Then wind up in Panamanian prison. Which wouldn’t be all bad, considering we could be the Scolfield’s. I definitely get Lincoln.

I’m sorry I can’t type properly, my fingers are so huge, swollen, and fat from the dairy I just consumed.

A flower shop would be nice! We could go the simple route an own a cafe, and employ Panamaniann business students (who know how to calculate tips so we wouldn’t be
getting screwed).

Are you at work?

**

We are so resourceful- your plan is brilliant! Actually- I used to think we sucked at being resourceful but then we went on the cruise and functioned totally fine in like 19 cities. I know for sure we’ll kick butt on amazing race one day.

I’m having 2 PB sandwiches for lunch. Why do I feel nostalgic all of a sudden? Like I need a blue mat to nap on and a carton of milk??

**

My favorite food ever. I decided a while back that if I was living on a deserted island alone for the rest of my life, peanut butter and/or reeses would DEFINITELY be my food of choice. Seeing as I wouldn’t have to worry about all the saturated fat I was consuming since I would never see anyone ever again, it works. What about you?

**

That is hilarious- and a very valid point. I think I would go with that too, or perhaps pasta. I could eat loads and loads and if I was able to take different sauces too (which is something I assume you have to negotiate in when preparing to go to a deserted island forever...) I’d be set for life.

And happy.

When do you leave for Kuwait?

**

I leave on your anniversary. Thank the Lord. Its been 3 weeks since I was there last and I feel like it’s been too long. How could anyone possibly think I like it here? AHHHH I need to start this Panamanian flower shop business ASAP.

**

We ought to make a countdown to the semester’s end and you move back. Seriously. What’s you’re last day of school? How fun would that be!? I could make the first half and you could make the 2nd half. We wouldn’t have to make it a chain or anything, but just something you could pull off and throw away.

The chain reminds me of the one in Mareena Towers. As crazy as it sounds, when I look back that summer was pretty fun

(Just FYI- if you’re curious you can read about this time during the summer of 2005 archives)

**
Oh my gosh me too. It was the weirdest time of my life, such a crazy transition period. I have a playlist for that summer titled “MIA” for 2 reasons: 1) we never left that apartment 2) M.I.A’s “bucky done gun” was a very integral part of that summer hahaha. But yeah, it’s so so bittersweet to think about that. It’s the last time we’ll have ever lived together under one roof.

**

I think we should SERIOUSLY send these back and forth emails to someone, plus our goofy videos and make them make us famous. We should have a reality show about creating our Panamanian flower shop. ha ha. How great would that be? Plus highly entertaining. Seriously- I’m in need of that. People are so fickle. Family is forever..

**

OMG YES, a reality show about the making of our new life. Do you know how well that would work? We could start this season while we’re still apart, so it would mainly focus on the emails. And then we could start season 2 when we’re in the same country and ahhhhhhh tiny orgasm, I think viewers would LOVE US. You live in America, the land of endless possibilities- make it happen!

**

sidenote- her email above makes me laugh every singly time. Tiny orgasm HAHAHAHA...

Seriously- I’m literally laughing out loud right now. It’s a little embarrassing and I’m glad everyone is gone to lunch.

**

Sorry to disregard your last email, but I blame you for the fact that I just consumed 7 servings of peanut butter with honey since you reminded me of peanut butter, which then reminded me that I still had some in my cupboard, and BOOO, NO ALLI.

Haha anyways, seriously? Will you PLEASE look into a director? Because even if we get one season and they hate us, we’ll still get a book deal (uh, you can write it) and then a few endorsements. OH! MAYBE WE CAN BE THE NEW FACE OF ALLI. I love it.

**

Very good and valid points. Okay so I assume you’re about to go to bed. Oh- and want to know something funny? I had no idea that we sprang (sprung HAHA springed? I have no idea...) forward this weekend. dad had to tell me. Too funny. Anyway- that means we’ll be an hour closer now so that’s really great!

Alright, I’m off to file some stuff. I’ll be in constant contact with you tomorrow. Have a good night and talk to you tomorrow!

**

Wait, ugh, I have no idea how many hours apart we’ve been this whole time. I usually just say 8, wherever I am in the world. “Oh you’re in Kenya, great, only 8 hours away!” “You’re in St.Petersburg, brilliant,. 12 your time, 8 my time” ……I never usually think there’s any other time in between. Please tell me we’ve always been 8 hours apart since I moved.

**

Just so you know- I’m lying when I tell you this- yes, we are 8 hours apart. I’m such a good sister, right?

<3

Fridays are jeans day at work.

I have no idea why wearing jeans- just regular old jeans- makes me so happy, but it seriously does.

As I go to bed on Thursday nights I’m pretty sure the last thing I think about before drifting off to sleep is, “It’s Jeans Day Tomorrow- Ahhh.”

And I’m pretty sure I even say the “ahhh” part.

Seriously.

Who would have thought a pair of 501s could make live worth living…

Guys, I fear I’m running out of things to talk about.

Mainly because I’m posting these all from the time I got up to go to the gym, to now- when I need to go to work.

Trust me- there’s probably some super great blogging material right around my cube corner.

If it’s not busy I’ll definitely try to take a few minutes to post.

Off to work! Here’s to a good Friday. 

Today is our secret pal reveal day at work! I’m very excited to see who had me!

I think I might be a little bummed now that it’s over, I’ve gotten the best stuff!

Can we be not-so-secret secret pals??

For many years now I have relied upon this old wives tale advice for how to absolutely avoid crying at the most inopportune times.

In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve shared this fun fact with you on more than one occasion.

When you think you’re going to cry during a time in which you really, really shouldn’t (ie:work, in front of in-laws, work) all you have to do is squeeze your butt together really, really hard and you’ll be totally fine and won’t cry.

I relied on this advice for many years- after all, it was Amber V.’s mom who said it- and she was a nurse.

Which apparently means she knows everything regarding one’s derriere and the correlation of not crying.

Right?

Well, my friend, I’m here to tell you that Amber V’s mom is wrong.

I’ve really tried to psych myself into believing this was good advice- after all, there had been times in which it did work- however I think it was way more of a mental thing and way less of a squeezing thing.

I’m here to tell you guys that I’m no longer convinced this is a sure fire way to avoid looking like a freaking idiot in front of others.

...

Although-

now that I think of it- “The Squeeze” pretty much makes you look like a freaking idiot too.

I feel as though I need to inform you guys that perhaps my initial analysis is incorrect and I might have made my first mistake ever (ha ha).

I would recommend the nail digging tactic (in which you dig your nails into your skin as hard as you possibly can almost to the point of blood so that instead of wanting to cry all you can think about is whether you’re hemmoraging all over yourself)- however after this week I must confirm this is not always a reliable tactic either.

So, I fear I’m back to square one. I rarely have to call upon these useful tricks, but now that they have been tested throughout the course of my lifetime (and most recently this week) I must say that I believe we’re back to square one.

I guess if all else fails you could try a combination of both?

Now THAT would be funny to watch.

I suppose now I will simply resort to the old Picture Them Naked Trick.

Um- actually… I’m thinking about that and- no.

There’s no way I could do that without throwing up.

How about the Picturing Them in a Chicken Suit Trick?

Do you think that’s more solid?

Definitely. Anytime you’re talking about someone in a chicken suit-that’s solid conversation.

Okay so I give up. I just thought I’d pass on some useful (ha ha. Useful. I’m hilarious.) information if you’re ever caught in an uncomfortable bind.

Plus I needed to lighten my mood a bit. I’ve been way.too.serious. this week.

And who likes serious?

(Aside from our parents of course. And maybe the person doing my taxes...)

No one!

Should you have a PSA of your own, feel free to leave it in the Share The Love section.

That is all.

You may now go back to your regularly scheduled Thursday night. 

I’m acting in my boss’s stead this week.

I’m having a love-hate response to serving in such a capacity.

Ask me again on Monday when my life is back to normal and after I’ve enjoyed some spirits from my Secret Work Pal.

Secret Work Pal.

Pretty sure I told you guys all about this.

If not- I certainly should have.

Anyway-

I must say- being “the boss (and I use this term very,very loosely)” isn’t exactly all you build it up to be in your head.

Or- at least my head.

I’ve done it before but it was during Christmas when it doesn’t really count because really- who works during this time of year?

Exactly.

I’m sure I could spill all sorts of useful lessons learned to you guys like-

When in doubt, simply smile really big and pretend you know exactly what in the world you’re speaking about.

Although- I don’t ever really need to exercise this bit of advice because I’m incredibly knowledgeable about my field and all the office intricacies.

(ha ha- see!? You like how I just fooled you guys by utilizing this little lesson learned?)

Impressive- I know.

I must also say I’ve quite enjoyed signing and approving things.

You know- because that’s by FAR the most important thing of being delegated (HA).

...

Or it could just be that I’ve officially lost my mind.

My mind is full of yucky work matters and quite honestly the thought of actually sitting down to my blog to write and produce something meaningful and substantial makes me want to stab a number 2 pencil thru my eye.

But don’t worry- I wouldn’t do that.

I’m a true proponent of depth perception.

Okay. No more rambles. Although I posted yesterday it feels as though I’ve been “distant” from you guys this week, and this is why.

I know it’s only a few days and no big deal really, but this week has been good practice for me- but I’m definitely ready for Friday.

No go eat some chocolate and go to bed!

Hey- I can totally order you around. I’m the boss.

<3

It’s after 9:00 on a “gym night” which means I need to be in bed. I tend to be fairly dedicated about getting up to go to the gym in what I like to call “the middle of the night,” however lately what I like to call “fatness” has gotten the best of me.

Ha ha “quotations.” They’re so funny.

And annoying.

Anyway-

Will has been going with me in the morning too, so that’s been nice.

Okay- actually he’s been with me like twice- but still- I count it as a victory.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?

If I keep making trifles and candy bar cookies and 27,000 calorie cake we might be forced to live life from a queen size bed in which we take turns rolling each other over so as to avoid bedsores.

Nice.

Something about moving home has brought out the domestic goddess in me-

Where has she been all my life!?

Okay- so I’m exaggerating.

A lot.

I don’t have any creativity inside of me.

I will say, however, that moving back has brought out the desire to cook- which is good and bad.

Good: This morning I made myself a fresh fruit smoothie

Bad: I made a trifle that weighed 6 pounds.

Do you know how long one would have to be on an elliptical to burn that crap off?

We’re not talking minutes.

Think hours.

Like- I was 25 when I got on this thing and will be 26 when I get off.

But that doesn’t seem to stop me.

My willpower is like that of a bloodhound being let loose in a meat locker.

(that means I don’t have any)

Anyway- I don’t feel as large since I know I’ll be going to the gym in the morning.

Because we’re “easing” Will into the gym, I’ve been gracious enough to forego my usual hour and a half workout for just one hour. I figure I’ll do an hour of cardio tomorrow and an hour of weights the next day. I hate not doing both- but oh well.

…

And wow- I just realized what a boring post this has becoming.

Or always was.

I would apologize, but then I think to myself, “I’m soooo entitled to a boring piece of crap post every now and again (cough- or every third day…).” It’s not easy thinking up interesting crap to share!

But you guys already know that.

Okay- if you’re still hanging with me, here’s a story I’ll share.

P hates working out.

She hates working out because it makes her face red.

And she sweats.

How dare someone sweat at the gym- right!?

Anyway- I made her workout with me on the cruise several times.

Sort of.

She loved every minute of it.

Ha.

I will say, though- she did overcome her fear of “gym-ing.”

Sort of.

So one day we go to the gym and it’s really busy- and full of cute boys.

I get there and start getting ready to work out and P has like this huge conniption fit.

Like she wants to scratch my eyes out and disown me as her sister.

She refuses to work out and (with her phone in hand) says the following all flustered:

“I left my phone in the room, Britt!

I have to go! I have to get my phone! I have to go, Britt!”

She darts and goes back to the room.

For someone that hates working out- she sure can sprint.

I’m not lying- the girl hates working out in front of a crowd.

Huh.

It was hilarious when it happened. I could see the stress in her eyes at the thought of working out with a crowd. I thought she was going to have a panic attack.

Reading it here? Isn’t as funny. Oh well. I always like telling P stories. They’re fun.

Speaking of- I think I might share a secret with you guys about me and P sometime soon.

(Private to P: do you think we should tell them about The Village? Not for them to come and screw things up- but just so that they’re aware? Perhaps you can share when you guest write for me next week)

Anyway- back to the matter at hand (if there really is a matter at hand)- the gym.

Here are a few things you should be listening to while you’re there (well- this is what I am listening to right now anyway):

-Mindcircus By Way Out West- (download the version that’s on Tiesto’s In Search of Sunrise 3 cd. It’s the Gabriel & Dresden Mix)
-Open You Eyes should follow Mindcircus. It’s the next song on the In Search of Sunrise cd. That’s one thing I love about working out to trance, it all flows together so you’re always keeping the same pace

Actually- just buy it all.

All of the In Search of Sunrise cds.

That will save me a ton of time…

-Nothing But You (Club Mix), Paul Van Dyk

-This Time (Klass Remix), DJ Antoine

Okay.

That’s enough.

I’m sure I’ve lulled you to sleep- and I need to do the same.

Those calories don’t burn themselves.

…

Or something like that…

My company encourages me to come to work sick.

It’s quite unfortunate, actually.

See, we’re granted “X” amount of general leave hours each year. There’s no special set days off for being sick, it’s all lumped into one “general leave” pool of days. So- if you take a sick day you’re actually losing a vacation day.

I call this The No Fun Zone.

You see, I’d rather come to work with mucous running uncontrollably out of my left nostril, hacking up loogies (ha ha- how do you spell “loogies??”) the size of a Christmas ham, and sneezing on every open surface available than use one of my general leave days to call in sick.

My coworkers love me.

Okay- I’ll be honest- I’m not fond of people who come to work sick either. 

My left eye begins to twitch at the thought of Mr. Accountant handing me damp papers full of remnants of his last sneeze. 

“GO HOME!! YOU’RE INFECTING THE ENTIRE OFFICE!” I want to yell.

However, I can sort of empathize with Mr. Accountant, because really- who wants to blow a vacation day when you’re sick!? You want to blow a vacation day when you’re on-

VACATION.

What an idea, right?

So- I have become the person I hate.

The come-to-work-sick-employee.

Shudder.

The truth is- most of us are the come-to-work-sick-employees. It’s like a race to see who can get rid of their ailments the fastest.

It’s the “If I’m miserable, I’m bringing everyone down with me” mentality.

Like a game.

I’m not kidding.

“Oh hi Jane! How are you (hack, hack, hack)?”

Two days later and Jane is down with a cold and Sam has made a full recovery.

I’ve found wet, snotty tissues “misplaced” on my desk the other day.

HA- I know what you’re trying to do Mr. Finance! You’re trying to bring me down!

You’re trying to hold me back.

You’re trying to stick it to the (wo)MAN!

I’m on to you- I see how you play.

Work is no longer just about getting the job done.

It’s about survival.

Survival I say!

It’s as though we’re being broadcast on Animal Planet and the terrifying mother Cheetah Cold Virus Middle Manager is hunting for her helpless gazelle Administrative Assistant.

It’s a perpetual relay race of Passing The Cold.

And sadly- I lost.

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that donut randomly lying on my desk.

That was a rookie mistake!

Anyway…

Because I took 3 weeks off for the cruise in August I’m in mega (I mean MEGA) vacation debt. I think it will be like 5 years before I’m back to “0” and finally accruing general leave hours again. However, thankfully I was able to purchase 4 days this year- you know just incase I catch a cold want to leave the state of Oklahoma at some point this year.

4 days.

FOUR DAYS.

For the entire year.

The entire year.

So-

Unfortunately I caught the aforementioned (and stricken) cold.

Because of The Random Donut

HOWEVER-

I’ll be darned (yes- that’s right DARNED) if I’m going to use one of my purchased days off to recover.

So I’ve been snotting, and hacking, and choking all over myself (and anyone in a 7 foot radius). I’ve had tears streaming down my face in attempts to hold back coughing fits. I sound like Death and/or Satan when I speak because my voice is so low and throaty and sickly and deathly.

I’m also a JOY to be around.

Really- I am.

I’ve tried my best to avoid what I call the Damp Paper Handoff as mentioned earlier. I mean- you gotta set limits, right? While I may have lost this maniacal game of Pass The Cold- I honestly have no desire to bring anyone down with me.

With my luck I’d get it right back and end up using the last of my vacation days shaking on my couch in a feverish stupor.

Nice.

So- here’s to a speedy recovery-

and a nice, long, four day vacation somewhere fun.

Or not…

Tag- you’re it!

Talking points.

When you hear that statement don’t you think about about being responsible to lead a painful long meeting?

That’s sort of what I think.

Don’t worry- these talking points don’t require you to do any thinking, and I’ll try my best not to make this post too painful.

Here we go.

1.Okay you guys cracked me the crap up on my last post. Thank you for the laughs, I needed them. When did you guys get so funny?

2. Why is Grissom leaving CSI? Doesn’t Grissom realize he IS CSI!? CSI-Grissom= Nothing. Do you want me to go on about this subject?

...

I’m guessing no.

3. Before we entirely get off the subject of TV shows I enjoy- can I simply tell you how FREAKING HILARIOUSLY THRILLED Will and I are that Jack is back? 24 is so amazing. If you’ve never seen it you can no longer talk to me until you’re watched every.single.amazing.season. I’m not kidding (okay we can still talk but I’ll secretly think in my head that you’re not an American and have never watched TV). The first season is sort of slow but even it is good. Very exciting stuff. We cleared the whole evening for this show. Unplugged the phone, locked the kids in the closet, ignored Will’s mom standing outside the door… (what- is that wrong?)

4. I miss my sister. A lot. And it sucks. A lot. You guys are getting off WAY easy. This is usually so one of those boo-hoo bleeding heart type posts.

5. The ladies in my office are doing the funnest.thing.ever (no silly, we’re not going to Vegas- how great would that be, though!?). We’re doing this secret pal thing in which we each drew a name and for the next month will be someone’s secret pal. We’ll leave notes, little gifts, etc. Just little secret encouraging things for our pal. How fun is that? It’s the little things that thrill me, apparently.

6. Speaking of work, why can’t I just freaking be a millionaire? Really? I think this to myself every single day. Does anyone else?

7. Is EVERYONE in America sick? Why are we all sick? I’m snotting all over myself, my throat is yucky. I was trying so hard not to cough in a meeting today that my eyes started to water and I literally started crying all over myself- just out of my left eye. Random.

8. I’m taking my Christmas tree down this weekend. Yes- you read that right. Will and I suck. We were going to take it down last weekend, but well- we were in mourning, as you can probably understand. How awful is that? Truly? Talking point #8 deserves its own post, but not today.

9. I love my husband. I really, really do. I don’t tell you guys enough how great he is. He is so helpful to me and knows me so well. Did you know he occasionally reads my blog? Will, are you reading? Hi honey!

10. I had brussels sprouts for dinner. I <3 brussels sprouts. Who doesn’t, right? (ha ha) The trouble is that it way smells bad in our house now. Yay.

Okay- that’s enough. After all, we’re talking about little cabbages. Hope you’re having a great week! More to come (and let’s hope no more talking points)