Buckle up nesties, we’re plowing full speed ahead in the shoulder while everyone is sitting in traffic- and I have no idea where I’m going.
(Basically that means I’m just jumping in and am going to get down to business, wherever that takes me.)
I got a comment on Monday regarding my life in Kuwait and my relationship with God. I read it, read it again, and have read it about 3 times since. I think I read it so many times because I wonder if others think this too as they read my blog. It wasn’t a hurtful comment and wasn’t rude in the least (in fact, I appreciate you very much!), but it really got me thinking about how what I say is taken.
Okay, wait a minute- I’m not writing this because I want to please the masses and I’m worried if someone doesn’t see me the way I wish them to. I’m writing because I really truly count you guys as friends and friends should know the answers to their questions if they have them, so- let’s get this freaking thing answered, shall we?
I’ve had about a day and a half to think over this post and I still don’t know where to begin. Did I just say I was PLOWING full speed ahead? Uh, well I might have been wrong. I’d like to have this long drawn out post explaining everything, but I’m tired. you’re tired. We’re all freaking TIRED!! Who wants to read stuff like that when they’re tired? NO ONE.
I feel foolish because I somehow built this whole thing up and now I’m letting you all down because I just am out of breath right now. I think it’s because I’m truly just exhausted and ready to get away and go home for a while. I feel like I’m in this huge race and I’m wheezing and my muscles are aching and I am just out of energy and doing everything I can to simply make it to the finish line. I can see it up ahead and that renews my hope, but sorry guys, I’ve just sort of become numb lately.
So, behold the list. Below are the list of questions that were posed to me (copied and pasted to be fair and accuate). I feel it only fair to answer you all. I’m among friends, right? I sure hope so. Let’s FINALLY get started.
1. do you wonder what you will do when you go home. will you visit all your old friends, go to your old church?
YES, I do wonder. I don’t really know if this question meant go home for good or go home for vacation. There’s a huge difference. If it’s what we’ll do when we go home in October I know exactly what we’ll be doing, and you all will be reading about it through my blogs. So, that’s an easy question. We will be visiting with old friends while we’re home and we will be attending the church Will grew up in, it’s the same church his parents go to. It’s an amazing church and the thought of actually going to a real church service thrills me.
Now, if it means wondering what I’ll do when I go home for good, well I have absolutely no clue. Will has no clue. We’re both pretty clueless! I truly have no idea what we will do when we go home. I know the career path I would like to take, but there are still so many holes because I don’t know what Will will be doing and where we’ll live and everything in between. I try not to think too far ahead right now. I take each day at a time and work towards the long term goals we have set here. I really have to focus on my life here right now because if we “stick to the plan,” we’ll still be here a while.
2.do you feel bad for being in kuwait and not being able to attend church. it would make me feel like i was out of the will of the Father not being able to worship Him. giving Him whats His.
To be honest, this question somewhat offended me, but because I have to assume maybe others wonder the same thing I will go ahead and answer it and be fully honest. I don’t exactly feel bad for not being able to attend church. I mean, this is Kuwait. Where would we go? There is one Christian church that offers an English speaking service, but there are some pretty fundamental difference between what we believe and what they believe, so as a family, Will and I have felt led not to attend.
My heart misses church. I miss the support of fellow Christians. I miss singing praises with hundreds of people singing along with me to God. Most of all, I miss having a real Christian friend. I haven’t had one of those in years and I earnestly pray God brings a best friend into my life. I miss church, but feeling “bad” is not exactly the emotion that is brought to mind because of where we live.
I know many would say they would feel they were out of the will of the father by not being able to attend church and worship him. I think that’s a fair thing most people might say, but I don’t fully agree with it. I know I say how much I miss being home, and I fully do, but guys, I have never in my life felt I was more in the will of God than I do right now. I know 100% that God has ordained Will and I to be in Kuwait on August 25, 2006. He has given both me and Will as well as our family a peace about this. We will continue to live in Kuwait and be in his will until he calls us away.
It’s so funny how we sort of came over here with our visions of grandeur to prepare for our future, etc. We prayed about coming over here and knew God paved the way for us to come, but it’s funny to look back then and see now how God has manifested himself. Here we thought we were coming over for one reason, but God had such bigger plans than the small ones we created on our own. Will interacts with hundreds of soldiers each week that are preparing to go to Iraq. What better place to show Christ than to a soldier looking for hope? There are daily countless opportunities for us to show Christ. To say we’re out of the will of the Father is wrong, because we fully know we are. To say we’re not able to give to Him what is fully His is also wrong because I daily have to surrender my life to him more now than I have ever in my whole life. I freaking live in Kuwait!! An entie country devoted to Islam! We’re on a daily mission trip. Back home I relied on God, but here I need Him. Is it hard to be a Christian here? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But, when I read that question it sort of made me feel like I had forsaken the Father by coming over here and that is so opposite from the truth. I know that may be hard to understand, but I think you guys get it.
3. do you ever wonder if you would be happy back in the states paying taxes, rent, utilities, tithes, etc.
I don’t wonder if I’ll be happy back in the states paying taxes, rent, utilities, tithes, etc. I know I will be happy. I am eager for the day when God calls us back to America. I have no idea what we’ll do and where we’ll live, but I am excited to go home. I’m a little scared, but mostly eager. We do pay tithes despite living over here. You can’t assume just because we live over here we forgot about God and don’t pay tithes. Oh, and we ride to work on camels too. ha ha, I’m just kidding, but I think there may be some misconceptions about me and my life here.
I know it seems as If I’m constantly talking about missing home, and I do, but I think sometimes I show just a slice of my life instead of the whole picture, you know? I think when I get on the nest and read about you all and your lives in America and the fact that if you wanted to meet you could just hop in the car and have a real nestie reunion, I miss having that freedom. I miss having girl friends and being able to go out on my own. There are some big things I miss in the States and I know I convey that to you guys a lot and I sometimes forget to mention, “Oh yeah, I’m content here too though.”
My blog is my outlet. I share my “I miss home” frustrations on here so much because this is my journal.
Here’s what it comes down to. I answer to God. Maybe people think I’m some heathen for not doing what they conventionally think is the “right thing” to do, but I don’t answer to those people. I answer to God. Will and I are happy. Do we miss home terribly? Oh my gosh yes. Do we get excited more and more as each day to vacation approaches? Ha, have you seen my counter!?
So, that’s my piss-poor post. I intended to talk about a lot of other things, but this is already long! I sort of feel that Glaze Stephanie B was talking about. I almost feel like a zombie right now, just sort of making it from one day to the next. I hate that because that’s not like me. I think it’s just that I need a break for a while, and October reminds me that it’s fastly approaching.
No more talk of this! Hopefully I cleared up any lingering confusion that has kept you all awake at night. ha ha.
I feel like I have so much to tell you guys. I sprained my ankle this week and haven’t even freaking posted about it! Where have I been!? Seriously!
I think I’ve said enough today. A normal Brittny post to follow… (as well as feedback. Even Zombies can read their favorite blogs, darn it!)
Have a good weekend!