Because I'm Terrible at Scrapbooks
The Fam

i have a lot on my mind today

blue today.

it pretty much sums up how i’m feeling.

i so need a big fat hug and a whole bunch of genuine girlfriends to surround me with support. i say genuine because i’ve found it very hard to find true and loyal girlfriends that aren’t backstabbing and don’t glory in your defeat. i’m sure some of you can understand. anyway… why did i feel the need to say that?… i don’t know. i guess i’m saying please just listen to me today and be my friend and don’t think i’m crazy for my scattered thoughts.

i had a funny post all written up this morning that i was going to post when i got home, but that was this morning, and a lot has happened since 8:00. it was called “date night with fred and ethel mertz.” see, we were supposed to go out with them tonight because it’s her birthday. gasp. yes, that’s right, we were going to get the men in the same room together. i didn’t even have to drug and blindfold will to go along with it! i have to admit, i was nervous about seeing them interact together after their two little tiffs, but i was still excited about the evening. we haven’t been on a couple date since we’ve gotten here.

i had to cancel today.

i feel like the worst person ever and what makes me feel the worst is that she is the nicest person ever and responded in kindness and totally wanted to make sure will and i were okay. i love “ethel” lots and i let down my only friend in kuwait down on her birthday.

i feel so sad for that.

anyway, i so wish i could tell you all that is going on in my life but i can’t.

maybe soon…

i will say it entails the possibilty of packing up and going home. i know it’s hard to tell you all something that big and not explain why, but i just can’t right now.

i just got off the phone with will. we had a 15 minute phone converstaion about this topic. i hate talking about something this huge and important over the phone. i mean, this is honestly a huge life decision and it doesn’t need to be discussed on the phone.

we are both very emotional about the subject and don’t seem to see eye to eye, which is never a good thing when you are talking about something so massive.

it’s so funny because we totally flip-flopped our opinions regarding this matter. okay, it’s not funny at all. it’s strange and bothersome because for so long one of us has relied on the other to keep us going and then all of a sudden we totally changed positions regarding the matter. one of us has such a strong conviction about this whole mess that they are talking crazy things! okay, not crazy, but just things that totally surprised the other one.

going home in our first year was never ever an option. never. no matter how miserable we were or how terrible people were, we were going to tough it out. i mean, it’s no secret i hate my job, but i am resoved to be a finisher. 4 years is our long term goal, though i am positive that regardless of what we decide it isn’t anymore.

we have to have a decision by the end of this weekend.

no pressure or anything.


i don’t want to make the wrong decision and honestly God is no where to be found when i pray about this. i know He is, but i just can’t seem to “find” Him when it comes to what we’re supposed to do. i mean “hello!!! this is a huge life altering decision and i would some input from You!” He already knows that. maybe i’m trying to rush Him. His timing is much different than mine.

i just don’t know what to do and i so wish i could talk to someone. i don’t want my parents to know this stuff yet (ha okay- i’m writing for hundreds of people to read, one of them being a good family friend and i say i don’t want them to find out that we’re thinking these crazy thoughts… hmm...), so i can’t talk to them about it. besides, we could totally decide “dang it! we’re freaking staying 4 years!” this weekend and telling them something now when we ended up decided to go ahead and say is unnecessary.

i need so badly to pour my heart out and say all the things that i’m thinking but i simply can’t right now and that is the absolute worst. in fact, i probably said too much with the thoughts of leaving stuf.

on top of that we got some bad news about will’s dad. that was the kicker. will is so down today.

his dad is his hero.

i have only seen him cry twice the entire time we’ve been together and one of the times was this past fall when he was missing his dad. he loves that guy and so do i. i won’t go into details, because honestly, we don’t know a lot, but i know that is another mountain of yuck that has been added to our stress pile. keep will and his dad in your prayers. they have a special relationship.

i’m worried about will. i know that really made him sad. the worst thing is that on top of that stress we seriously need to come to a decision about what we’re going to do with the “other situation” and instead of just being there for him, i forsee us both getting upset because we don’t agree on what needs to be done. i told him i would really rather talk about all that stuff tomorrow and tonight just be together and hold each other. he, however, want’s to talk about it.

amazing! i can’ never get the guy to talk about feelings and junk and all of a sudden he turns into a woman. go figure.

my heart feels so heavy and burdened. i’m not the strong one, will is, and all of a sudden i have to be strong for so many reasons.

i feel so tiny, hence lowercase today. i’ve felt like that for a long time but today has magnified everything. i just feel like i’m floating in the middle of the ocean uncertain of everything.

part of me just wants to log off the computer and watch crappy usa high reruns on tv until will gets home

another side of me wants to cry my eyes out so i’m better by the time he gets home

that is one thing that i admittedly hate about living here. besides my family i don’t have that “one friend“ to go to. you know what i’m talking about. a girl has to have one of those and i don’t. today i need one!

sorry for being so ambiguous. i just need to sort things out today and since i don’t have anyone to vent to (besides my family and ethel, whose birthday is today which means it would be easier and faster for me to set her gift on fire rather than ruining the day by venting) i vent to my blog.

this is my blog and i can say whatever the crap i want, therefore i assume by now you’ve all dropped out of reading so i can continue to write all i want just to keep myself together and not have to think that once again my life could be uprooted and totally change in the blink of an eye.

i don’t want to think about that yet.

wow, this is turning into a pity party. i just reread my post and thought, “i sound terribly pitiful and desperate and ‘poor me.’“ i have so many awesome things in my life and i am full of joy for so many things, and i think you guys have known me long enough to know i have an overall cheerful disposition, so don’t think i’m a weirdo for posting all this stuff. it just comes down to the fact that this was going to be home for a long time and all of a sudden it might not be and my mind is racing.

i should also say that all of this is due to our own personal feelings. no one has said, “you have to make a decision whether or not you’re staying or going.“ it’s nothing like that at all. this is all us, though we do have to have a decision that soon for another reason.

boy i didn’t forsee my day turning out like this! i thought at this time the mertz family and the wb family would be slapping our legs in laughter and telling old college stories over johnny carino’s.

such is life huh?

i guess i have good news. i got my travel check for being with the company for 6 months. that was a nice little bonus today. i guess that is one positive point of the day.

another one is that i decided to become active in selling mary kay again, hence the link. i love their skincare line- especially the moisturizer- so i’m glad i made that move. i’ve been a consultant for a long tiem but haven’t really sold in ages. i took 4 orders this week. that’s more good news. i get to order fun make-up this weekend. i can ship anywhere so if you ever want anything email me!

okay, enough with the sales crap. i’m just trying to get myself out of this “poor me“ rut and realize that God is in control and no matter where we are will and i have eachother and that is key.

okay, i think it’s time to get off for now. sorry for the melodramatic post and “oh poor brittny“ talk because frankly, i annoyed myself with it and i love myself, so i’d hate to think what all of you guys who simply just “like“ me were thinking! smile

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it TONS!
I love you bunches.
Tomorrow is a new day- thank goodness.

I look forward to writing a normal post tomorrow.

*~*When life gives you lemons, cut them up, put them in your iced tea and thank God you’re a southern girl.*~*

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brittny I'm B-Love. Lover of God, my husband Will, my doggies, OU football, weight training, plyometrics healthy eating (mostly!), peanut butter, and all things health related. Buckle up and get ready for my constant embarrassing moments, health and fitness tips,and my effort to rely on Christ while living life in the real world. Follow me on Feedly! Sign up for monthly emails at!

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